Saturday, October 23, 2004

Spread a Little Love

Prank phone calls seem De rigueur (Republicans who don’t read: that’s French for “required”) among humorists these days, but they're often sort of mean spirited. Wouldn’t it be better to make random compliments over the phone to strangers?

I just called to let you know that you’re a snappy dresser. Were you in the Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal,” video perchance?

Unlike President Bush, you have a wonderful command of the English language.

Sometimes your head seems perfectly symmetrical.

If you were a soup, I think you’d be corn chowder. I really like corn chowder.

You are loved by animals and children. Especially lemurs.

I bet your grandma left you a lot of moola in her will.

If I were a poor farmer living on a small island in the West Indies, I would vote for you as president for life.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried macramé, but if you did, I bet you rock at it. You’re probably really good with knots and stuff.

You voice is mellifluous. Thanks for answering the phone today.

Please pass my thanks on to your biological parents for mating.

When you go to the bathroom, you almost never sully the floor, at least not by accident. Nice job.

You really know how to contribute to our gross national product.

I don’t want this to sound creepy, but you’re the kind of person that would really be missed if you were to ever disappear mysteriously.

I wanted to confer an honorary title upon you for your outstanding achievements but none of them seemed adequate. So today I will call you The Honorable Reverend Doctor Spiderman Rockstar Salsa Queen. Congratulations, Professor Omnipotent Ruler of Super Voodoo.

5 Comments:

Blogger Rumoku said...

Mister...at least I think that you're a mister, you have a wicked, wicked sense of humour. WICKED, do you understand? I salute you. I'm probably on my way to becoming part of your legion of loyal fans...probably.... Keep up the great blog!

9:49 AM  
Blogger Mitch said...

"Sometimes your head seems perfectly symmetrical."

"I was just admiring the shape of your skull."

This planet is so much better now that you are performing whatever service you do through work.

If you were an HR admin, I'd bet you'd give everyone raises, except yourself, because you're so selfless.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Phelps said...

Hi. I'm not gay. But if I were gay, I would totally want to do you. And when I say "do you" I mean do you gently with kindness and respect, not do you like we share a cell in prison and I've got to totally dominate you to break your spirit and make you completely loathe yourself.

4:53 PM  
Blogger Phelps said...

Did you know the Eskimos have a hundred words for the word "snow?" If they ever met you, I bet they could come up with a hundred words to describe how radiant you look in that purple moomoo.

4:56 PM  
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3:16 PM  

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