If Wishes Were Bushes

I will donate $1000 to the RNC if W says anything close to the following in the next 18 days:

I didn't have time to prepare for the debates because I was up late last night reading the works of Jean Paul Sartre in their original French.

I'd like to take a moment to thank the thousands of my supporters who have sent money to the Nader campaign.

As a born again Christian, I feel compelled to read to you from the Sermon on the Mount: ''You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist evil. But whoever shall strike you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

Is that monitor live? Look at me -- I'm a giant tool.

I know that at least half of you want a Commander in Chief who is a tall, articulate statesman with actual war experience. Big deal. You think I like the fact that Jeb is my mom's favorite and Neil got to trade all those state secrets for Chinese prostitutes while all I got was the crappy Texas Rangers? I've learned to live with disappointment and so should you.

After serving four years under Dick Cheney, I am ready to be your President.

So what if Chris Reeves called Senator Kerry to cheer him on from his death bed, saying it's up to Kerry to preserve innovation and modern science in America. Rodney Dangerfield called me and said it was up to me to carry on as the least respected man in the world after his passing. So there.