Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bush Assures Job Security for Killbots

Addressing a room full of soulless killing machines in Anapolis, MD, today, President Bush spelled out his roadmap for making sure they had a steady income from work in Iraq in the coming months and years.

Calling the roadmap his "National Strategy Handbook for Victory in Iraq" the President read excerpts from the work of fiction to the crowd, establishing a level of confidence in his tone as he made vague assurances and defined unmeasurable milestones.

At one point during the speech when the automatons were programmed to cheer enthusiastically, a robot short circuited and began rampaging through the press corps droning, "Kill all liberal media reporters! Kill all liberal media reporters!" until a technician from the Bush administration deactivated it.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A Case of the Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Lawrence "The Pot" Wilkerson this week on the BBC and in an AP story called Dick "The Kettle" Cheney black. Or did he say black-hearted?

In obvious preparation for a forthcoming tell-all book about his years working for Powell inside the Bush administration, Wilkerson, Powell's chief of staff, laid some heavy accusations at Cheney's cloven hooves - er - feet. What other reason would he have to be making such claims this late in the game?

What's interesting to me is that they are two sides of the same coin, albeit one side is notably older and more publicly evil than the other side.

  • White male
  • Hard-core Republican
  • Failed attempt to hide baldness with lame comb-over
  • Trained his dogs to goose-step across his lawn
  • Received deferments from serving in Vietnam War
  • Has a weak, girly mouth, best suited for lipstick and talking out of the side of his face
  • Made sure President Bush was "out of touch" and too distant to be an effective decision maker regarding Iraq
  • White male
  • Hard-core Republican
  • Failed attempt to hide baldness with lame comb-over
  • Applauds Cheney's dogs goose-stepping across lawn
  • Served in the Vietnam War, Korea and Japan
  • Has a weak, girly mouth, best suited for lipstick and talking out of the side of his face
  • Suspected President Bush was "out of touch" and too distant to be an effective decision maker regarding Iraq.

Monday, November 21, 2005

"Shanghai George" Photo Diary

A New Contender in the Religious War

He doesn't have to eat. He doesn't have to sleep. He's immune to snake bites. And he's raking in thousands of rupees a day as pilgrims from all over India and Nepal flock to see him. His name is Ram Bomjon, and some claim he is the next Buddha.

I say it's about time.

We need another Buddha so that he can do battle with the nefarious Allah and his League of Terrormongers, who are obviously getting the upper hand on our local superhero, Jesus.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

EU Informal Probe is a Pain in Bush's Ass

The EU has begun an informal probe into whether or not the CIA has secret prisons hidden around Eastern Europe. They say that this in preparation for a formal probe which will dive much deeper and probably use much less lubricant.

Bushy no likey. Especially while the world's leadership and his own citizens are thinking much less of him.

So he has slipped off to the Pacific Rim to demonstrate to the people of the USA that he can weather any public opinion storm by putting on a brave face while he eats sushi in Japan, shakes hands with the president of Mongolia, and takes a tour of the proposed site for the upcoming Olympics in China.

His usual cadre of personal trainers, speechmonkeys, illuminati, and strongarms are not traveling with him, having more important damage-control to spin:

Dr. Condie "Shaky Voice" Rice is in the Middle East helping the Isrealis and Palestinians negotiate the installation of a security gate at the intersection of West Gazawood Drive and Olive Tree Blvd. (The Isrealis want it to be decorative wrought iron painted blue, with a hinge on the left, while the Palestinians want something more retro like a portcullis with long spikes that isn't really supposed to be closed, but looks cool.)

Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld has barricaded himself in his Pentagon office, after having completed the same trip last month that the President is currently attempting. He stocked up on beef jerky, Captain Morgan's spiced rum, and his 3 favorite movies: The Sands of Iwo Jima, The Flying Leathernecks, and Caberet! He only opens his door for his assistant, to exchange mason jars full of his urine for empty ones. Before sequestering himself, he told the press to expect this to be "a long slow slog."

Dick "Imadick" Cheney has spirited himself away to his Basalt Fortress of Pain and Sorrow miles deep beneath the West Virginia wine country, to rejuvenate himself by bathing in the blood of Mormons. When his full powers return, he will make an appearance on Meet The Press and cast a veil of unwavering admiration upon all those who watch.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Kansas Education Board Travels Backward in Time, Takes Whole State with It

Monday, November 07, 2005

French Scum Continue Rioting for Lack of Deodorant

After being labelled "scum" by Nicolas Sarkozy, the law-and-order Interior Minister, enraged youths and other residents of the tightly packed suburban Paris low-income housing, took to the streets to burn cars, beat people, break windows and otherwise make the rest of the country look like the projects they live in.

As the 11th day of violence spread to other French townships, President Jacques Chirac promised stern punishment for those behind the arson and violence, saying all who were arrested would be given rigorous baths with fragrant soaps and have their hair washed with shampoo that wasn't composed of beer and urine.

Australia, Austria, Britain, Germany and Hungary advised their citizens to exercise care in France, joining the United States and Russia in warning tourists to stay away from violence-hit areas, while promising to send the French authorities their surplus bath and bodyworks inventory.

Minister Sarkozy was quoted as saying, "when this is over and they have been sumarily punished, they will still be scum. But they will clean scum."

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Free Republic Calls Michael Moore a Hypocrite

Duh, what's new? A nod to the ultra-right. Mildly interesting if true.

Our 360th post! Deserves a full 360 degree about-face to point out the failings of the liberal "leadership." Or should that be 180 degree about-face? Wouldn't 360 degrees having us facing the same direction? Never was good at geometry.

Bush Push for Pandemic Systemic

President Bush announced his plan for the upcoming Bird Flu Pandemic this week. It includes enough vaccine stockpiled to protect 20 million Americans "on the front line."

As for the other 275 million Americans? Bush says, "Screw 'em."

Seeing as how there are only 12 million Americans in the medical field who would be directly treating people with the Bird Flu (EMT personnel, emergency medical doctors and nurses, family practice staff, and health clinic staff), we had to ask, who gets the rest of vaccine?

The answer is simple, as illustrated in the following chart:

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