Tuesday, November 15, 2005

EU Informal Probe is a Pain in Bush's Ass

The EU has begun an informal probe into whether or not the CIA has secret prisons hidden around Eastern Europe. They say that this in preparation for a formal probe which will dive much deeper and probably use much less lubricant.

Bushy no likey. Especially while the world's leadership and his own citizens are thinking much less of him.

So he has slipped off to the Pacific Rim to demonstrate to the people of the USA that he can weather any public opinion storm by putting on a brave face while he eats sushi in Japan, shakes hands with the president of Mongolia, and takes a tour of the proposed site for the upcoming Olympics in China.

His usual cadre of personal trainers, speechmonkeys, illuminati, and strongarms are not traveling with him, having more important damage-control to spin:

Dr. Condie "Shaky Voice" Rice is in the Middle East helping the Isrealis and Palestinians negotiate the installation of a security gate at the intersection of West Gazawood Drive and Olive Tree Blvd. (The Isrealis want it to be decorative wrought iron painted blue, with a hinge on the left, while the Palestinians want something more retro like a portcullis with long spikes that isn't really supposed to be closed, but looks cool.)

Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld has barricaded himself in his Pentagon office, after having completed the same trip last month that the President is currently attempting. He stocked up on beef jerky, Captain Morgan's spiced rum, and his 3 favorite movies: The Sands of Iwo Jima, The Flying Leathernecks, and Caberet! He only opens his door for his assistant, to exchange mason jars full of his urine for empty ones. Before sequestering himself, he told the press to expect this to be "a long slow slog."

Dick "Imadick" Cheney has spirited himself away to his Basalt Fortress of Pain and Sorrow miles deep beneath the West Virginia wine country, to rejuvenate himself by bathing in the blood of Mormons. When his full powers return, he will make an appearance on Meet The Press and cast a veil of unwavering admiration upon all those who watch.


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