Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Colbert T-Shirts Not Guv'ment Approved

Stephen Colbert of the Daily Show (with Jon Stewart) has a show of his own starting October 17:

The Colbert Report
(Giving it to you hard, straight, and nightly)

And to hype the show, as well as make a little scratch on the side for his gambling addiction and three illegitimate children, Colbert is selling t-shirts and coffee mugs through Comedy Central's online store.

The trouble is, you can't buy any of the merchandise! They're all suspiciously blocked with an "Out of Stock" message when you click through.

Is this another conspiracy spearheaded by the right-wing partisans in the government, or just another screw-up by Comedy Central (like promoting Dave Chapelle's non-existent season 3)?

I think the latter.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Kathy Griffin Files for Divorce, Husband Begs Judge for Death

Kathy Griffin, the 'comedian' who rose to the top of the D-list being as annoying as inhumanly possible, has filed for divorce from her husband of 4 and half years, Matt Moline.

Bystanders at the courthouse report Moline pleading with the judge to give him the death penalty. When the judge explained that a divorce is a civil suit without victim or punishment, Moline reportedly broke down, crying.

"Please," he begged, "have the baillif shoot me in the head. All day long I hear her voice, louder and louder, and smarmier and smarmier. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard, day and night. She's constantly complaining and judging and judging and complaining! I can't even take a piss without her telling that I'm shaking it off wrong!"

Friends made court appearances explaining to the judge that Griffin was a very demanding celebrity spouse and that she would often force her husband to listen to her rehearse her grating stand-up comedy routine, as often as three and four times a day.

"She would sometimes do one routine over and over, and only change the inflection or emphasis of one word," a friend of Kathy's testified, "Clay AIken. CLAY Aiken. Clay AiKEN. I'm surprised he didn't pull his own ears off or shove an ice pick into his brain two years ago."

Court documents cite irreconcilable differences as the reason for the filing.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Bush Opens Ranch to Hurricane Refugees

In a grand display of pure brotherly love, George and Laura Bush invited hundreds of thousands of their fellow Texans displaced by hurricane Rita to spend the weekend at their ranch in Crawford, Texas. They opened the gates to the 1,600 acre ranch, where people fleeing from the coast could park their cars and RVs, refuel, rest, grieve their losses, camp in tents and shower in field showers provided by nearby Fort Hood. People were allowed to escape from the Central Texas heat by enjoying a swim in the river or a dip in the lake. The President and first lady were even on hand one evening to help dish out beans and coleslaw from the chuck wagon-style dinner they paid for every night. Huge plasma screen monitors were erected on towers so the crowds could watch the storm reports on Fox News, and popular bands from Austin's 6th Street venues were bussed to the ranch to entertain the refugees. Willie Nelson and Sheryl Crow serenaded the displaced Houstonites and Galvestonians, while Jim Hightower woke them every morning over the P.A. system with whimsical Texan euphemisms.

Oh, wait. Nope. This never happened. In fact, the President cancelled his planned visit to Texas this week "so he wouldn't distract from the emergency relief efforts being conducted."


Bush off Wagon: Who Cares?

The National Enquirer, America's true bastion of fair and balanced reporting, disclosed that President Bush is drinking again.

T/P asks, "Who cares?"

Alerted early this morning to the breaking news by insomniac-editorial staff member, Mitch, Phelps poured himself a cup of coffee, scratched his unshaven chin and murmured, "huh? What time is it?"

Then, looking for a printable quote, Mitch shared the news with Turner at 4:00 AM.
The result:

Bush Off Wagon: Turner/Phelps Editorial Staff Member in Coma for Breaking Cardinal Rule #1

Wouldn't it be better if Bush were drinking? Kudos to Dubya! He deserves a drink. After all, it only makes him look even more like the common man. And I for one respect him for it. Hopefully his newfound strength to face adversity with a little liquid courage will be reflected in his opinion polls, whether he cares about them or not.

Hell, if I had sent over one thousand loyal American soldiers to their graves, been responsible for the unnecessary deaths of thousands of civilians in Iraq, totally trashed hundreds of billions of dollars worth of budget surplus at the behest of a few maniacal neo-con buddies, and practically sold America to the Chinese, I'd be hitting the hooch, too.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Rats! I Can't Find My Mice

ABC News report - Sept. 15, 2005 - Authorities are investigating the disappearance from a New Jersey bioterror research lab of at least three mice carrying a deadly strain of plague.

This one goes under the conspiracy heading of "The Government Wants Us Scared, But Not Too Scared."

Feds say they think the mice died and someone in the lab just forgot to write it down.

Forgot to write it down.

If you're a research lab scientist and you're studying the effects of a strain of plague on 9 mice, wouldn't you write down that three of them had died? What's the point in doing the tests if you aren't going to keep track of each mouse? One third of your test subjects die and it goes unnoticed?

Come on, FBI, we aren't THAT stupid. Be honest with us. The mice slipped out of the control facility in someone's lab coat pocket and are loose somewhere in Atlantic City. They probably gravitated to Trump's casino, with the other NJ vermin.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Heckuva Resignation, Brownie, Heckuva Resignation

Ari Fleischer (spin doctor) and George Tenet (Beltway incompetent) did it in the summer of 2004.
John Ashcroft (religious fanatic) and Colin Powell (international fibber) did it in the winter of 2004/2005.
Donald Rumsfeld (neo-con slaughtermeister) tried to do it in 2004 after the overly persistent Abu Grahib scandal, but President George didn't let him.
You're in good company, Michael Brown (less qualified than a shoe to do most any job). Say good-bye to FEMA. Say hello to the conservative right-wing's "take care of our own" speaker circuit and tell-all without telling anything book deal.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Secret Bush Panel Reviews Heaven's WMDs

After visiting the devastation of the Gulf Coast states, the White House convened a secret panel of weapons experts and theologians to discuss and review Heaven's arsenal of WMDs.

Posing with Mississippi and Alabama governors in Mobile, the President said, "It's as if the entire Gulf Coast were obliterated by the worst kind of weapon you can imagine."

"The worst kind of weapon, we all know, is a weapon of mass destruction," a member of the secret panel said. He didn't give his name, but he was wearing a red robe trimmed in gold and ermine and was sporting with a tall, pointy white hat.

Other panel members listed some of their concerns, and outlined their initial analysis for determining the potential terrorist threat from a deity:

  1. What is His public perception? Is he "The God of Mercy," or would it be more accurate to call him "A Vengeful God," as He has self-described Himself in the past?
  2. How large is His arsenal of weapons? At present, experts say that his arsenal is "as wide as East is from West" and "as tall as the sky."
  3. Does He have a history of using his weapons? Yes. As recently as last year He used his tsunami WMD to kill thousands in the Indian Ocean, SE Asia and the South Pacific, despite signing a rainbow pact with humanity almost 3 thousand years ago never to use a "flood" as a WMD ever again.
  4. What are his monetary resources? Again, experts say His pockets are "as deep as the oceans."
  5. Is it time for America to consider forcing regime change in Heaven? The White House will be seriously contemplating this topic over the next few months and may ask Congress for funding in this regard, possibly in conjunction with a proposal for regime change in Iran. "We all know that if they're going to definitively act on forcing regime change in heaven," General Wesley Clark, military analyst for the majority of Sunday morning news shows said, "they have to strike before Christmas, when God's forces are strongest."

Most experts agree that heaven is stockpiling or developing the following:

Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes, "earth killing" asteroids, and bioweapons like level 4 viruses, bird-flu, anthrax, smallpox, ebola, and the next American Idol.

Site Meter