Friday, September 02, 2005

Secret Bush Panel Reviews Heaven's WMDs

After visiting the devastation of the Gulf Coast states, the White House convened a secret panel of weapons experts and theologians to discuss and review Heaven's arsenal of WMDs.

Posing with Mississippi and Alabama governors in Mobile, the President said, "It's as if the entire Gulf Coast were obliterated by the worst kind of weapon you can imagine."

"The worst kind of weapon, we all know, is a weapon of mass destruction," a member of the secret panel said. He didn't give his name, but he was wearing a red robe trimmed in gold and ermine and was sporting with a tall, pointy white hat.

Other panel members listed some of their concerns, and outlined their initial analysis for determining the potential terrorist threat from a deity:

  1. What is His public perception? Is he "The God of Mercy," or would it be more accurate to call him "A Vengeful God," as He has self-described Himself in the past?
  2. How large is His arsenal of weapons? At present, experts say that his arsenal is "as wide as East is from West" and "as tall as the sky."
  3. Does He have a history of using his weapons? Yes. As recently as last year He used his tsunami WMD to kill thousands in the Indian Ocean, SE Asia and the South Pacific, despite signing a rainbow pact with humanity almost 3 thousand years ago never to use a "flood" as a WMD ever again.
  4. What are his monetary resources? Again, experts say His pockets are "as deep as the oceans."
  5. Is it time for America to consider forcing regime change in Heaven? The White House will be seriously contemplating this topic over the next few months and may ask Congress for funding in this regard, possibly in conjunction with a proposal for regime change in Iran. "We all know that if they're going to definitively act on forcing regime change in heaven," General Wesley Clark, military analyst for the majority of Sunday morning news shows said, "they have to strike before Christmas, when God's forces are strongest."

Most experts agree that heaven is stockpiling or developing the following:

Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes, "earth killing" asteroids, and bioweapons like level 4 viruses, bird-flu, anthrax, smallpox, ebola, and the next American Idol.


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