Monday, April 30, 2007

Turning Back Time on the Virgin Clock

(PARIS) -- Sitting in a cafe near the Champs Elysees, the 26-year-old French-born woman of Algerian descent looks like any other Parisian. But last week, she did something none of her friends have done.

She had her hymen re-sewn, technically making her a virgin again.

"I'm glad I had it done," said Fedwa Halaak, who spoke to TP's European correspondent, Mitch through a third party chaperone, her Aunt Amelia. "I wanted to reconstruct part of my life, to reconstruct myself so that I could feel better about myself."

Hymenoplasty: 1.5k Euro, Female Circumcision: 10 Euro and a Chicken.Doctor Akbar Amagonnapokher, who built a thriving female circumcision practice in Algeria and has since moved to Paris, says the 30-minute outpatient procedure, called "hymenoplasty" is increasingly popular among young women of North African descent in France. It costs between 1,500 and 3,000 euros ($2,000-$4,000) or three Turkish rugs and a goat.

Dr. Akbar says that even Hollywood celebrities have been approaching him to perform the procedure, including the Olsen twins, Brittany Spears, Andy Dick, and Paris Hilton. On Ms. Hilton, Dr. Akbar said confidentially, "there's not enough suture thread in the world to repair that hymen."

Before leaving the cafe, Fedwa opined, "Now, if only there was a way to make Allah forget all my years of whorish adultery and pursuit of Western carnal pleasure that lead to my hymen being broken in the first place."

Actual Story.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Missing Rove Emails

It is time that I reveal some of Karl Rove’s missing emails. Karl has been stalking me for years, sending me emails, calling my cell phone, digging through my trash, peering through my windows, stealing my underpants and Photo-shopping his face over Phelp’s face on any of our publicity photos. I was saving the emails for a lucrative book deal, but my patriotic duty demands that I reveal these missing emails.

From: Rove, Karl []
Sent: Thu 4/26/2000 1:30 PM
To: Turner
Subject: John McCain Doesn’t Love You Like I Love You

Why won’t you return my calls? You’ve been spending a lot of time reading McCain’s blog and it hurts me. You know, there are a lot of people who think McCain gave up important secrets during his time as a POW, that his wife is a drug addict and that his temper is too volatile to hold the highest office. Of course, I never said that, and those people who did say it could never be traced back to me and if they were, I have plausible deniability in planting those rumors. Are rumors still rumors if they're true? But really, why won’t you return my calls?

From: Rove, Karl []
Sent: Thu 6/14/2000 5:32 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Don’t let my Enron stock come between us

Are you still mad about all those old ladies losing their pension money in the Enron scandal? I don’t even know how I ended up in the money with all of that Enron stock. It was a mistake made by my broker I’m sure. You can’t blame me for something my broker did, can you? I’m emailing you with my Blackberry while I’m standing in your bushes watching you. Come out here and see.

From: Rove, Karl []
Sent: Thu 6/14/2000 5:32 PM
To: Turner
Subject: 72-hour task force

Could you pass out some pamphlets for me this weekend at church? It’s all quite innocent. Some bible passages, motivational sayings, stuff like that. And who to vote for. What are you going to wear to church? I hope it’s a blue suit. Your eyes look great in that blue suit. You look like a congressional page in that suit.

From: Rove, Karl []
Sent: Thu 12/14/2003 3:27 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Plame is a CIA Operative

Valerie Plame is a total CIA operative. I just found that out from Bob Novak. Can you believe it? I sure didn’t know that before. I mean, I told Bob I did because I didn’t want to look stupid. He’s such a tool and I hate the way he has to be Mr. Know-it-all. And those shoes! Anyway, I was just joking, I didn’t know it was true. Weird huh? Stupid Matt Cooper, telling everyone that I was the one who told him. What does he know? Fitzgerald will drop me anyway. I hope I don’t go to jail or anything. Would you visit me in jail? In your blue suit?

From: Rove, Karl []
Sent: Thu 2/11/2005 8:16 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Swift Boat Terminology

It makes me so totally mad that I made a war hero like John Kerry look like a cowardly, ego-maniacal traitor by rousting up a bunch of senile vets who had never even met him. I mean, that part doesn’t make me mad. What makes me mad is that now the liberal media is saying stuff like “They Swift Boated so and so,” whenever someone slimes a hero. After all that hard work they should be saying, “They Roved that guy.” I can’t get any respect. And I have your puppy. If you ever want to see him again you’ll stop calling the police every time I’m waiting for you in your garage. Otherwise, Mr. Wumpy Fuzzykins gets the GitMo treatment, and you know what I mean.

From: Rove, Karl []
Sent: Thu 6/22/2005 3:07 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Dinner at 8PM

I found this really romantic spot I want to take you to, Bistro Franaais. You’ll meet me there, won’t you? Don’t think a simple restraining order will stop the marching orders of my heart. I will make you love me. If you don’t love me, it means you’re a terrorist who hates America. Why do you hate America? America just wants to watch you, maybe touch you sometimes. But no, you called America a greasy fat, bald grease ball who oozes grease. That really hurts America’s feelings. You terrorist.

I’m just kidding.

No I’m not. Love me.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Farewell, Boris Yeltsin's Double

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Boris Yeltsin's body double, who clambered on to a tank to bury the Soviet Union, then led Russia falteringly through its first years of independence, died on Monday aged 76.

"Today at 15:45 (1145 GMT) Igor Twothumbovich, hired to play the long expired Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin these past fiffteen years, died in the Central Clinical Hospital as a result of a deteriorating cardio-vascular problem," said a Kremlin spokeswoman. He had suffered heart problems for years.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Shot Heard 'Round the World Still Ringing in World's Ears

Did the American Revolution start today, two hundred and thirtytwo years ago? So says Wikipedia.

Wow. It's been like a wild ride at Six Flags with all the freedom of speech, Louisiana purchases, Monroe Doctrines, industrialization, wars with Mexico, gold rushes, first in flight, women's suffrage, eradication of polio, civil rights, and Microsoft. Whew. Let's go around again on the roller coaster. Wheeeeeee!

Win me another stuffed animal, this day will never end.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Kick 'Em In The Balls, Lee

I've always liked Lee Iacocca. Once, in the summer of '86 when he was a lot heavier and had more hair, I encountered Mr. Iacocca walking through O'Hare International Airport. He's that kind of down-to-earth fellow, dragging his own luggage through the crowded airport.

When I saw him his assistant had just stepped into the duty free shop, so I ran up to him, kicked him square between the legs as hard as I could, and screamed, "Take THAT Jerry Falwell, you Nazi!"

He dropped like a sack of potatoes, moaning, "Why? Why?" as he coughed up blood on his lime colored Polo shirt and rolled back and forth on the tile.

Needless to say, after I was tackled by airport security and hauled off in handcuffs, I felt terrible for kicking Lee in balls. After all, I have the highest respect for him and his accomplishments, and I told him so at the trial. Fourteen months later I was on parole, back in O'Hare, and found myself staring across the Admiral Club's lobby at Jerry Falwell's holier-than-thou smirk. I didn't do anything, though, just in case it was really Lee Iacocca.

Memorable anecdotes aside, read this excerpt from Iacocca's new book, "Where Have All The Leaders Gone?" Talk about kicking them in the balls. Bush is going to need to put a cup in his jockstrap for this one.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Gonzales Shows True Colors - Jurisprudence Yellow

"[I have been] less than precise with my words when discussing the resignations."

You've got to be ephing kidding me.

Admitting that you were less than precise means what? That you were lying? That you were intentionally misleading the person asking the questions?

I am disgusted.

(OK Reps, go ahead, remind us of Clinton's legalspeak during the Lewinski dabacle.)

Friday, April 13, 2007

Statement by Paul Wolfowitz (First Draft)

Controversy follows the minions of Bush the way the rumors in high school that Glenn Beck got his junk stuck in a sheep's ass followed him through college and onto CNN.

Yesterday, Paul Wolfowitz made a statement regarding the latest news encircling him, his girlfriend, Shaha Riza, and the World Bank. Last night, we sent Mitch on a covert dumpster-diving mission outside the Wolfowoitz compound and he surfaced this morning with what appears to be an initial draft of the statement. It was scribbled on several napkins, a sheef of toilet paper, and the back of a discarded receipt from Madame Hooka's Palace of Earthly Pleasures for one around-the-world and three golden showers ($3,468.23).

Paul Wolfowitz: Let me just say a few words about the issue on everyone’s mind. Yes, Shaha and I have been doing it; doing it like rabid lemurs on X. Two years ago, when I came to the Bank, I raised the issue of a potential conflict of interest and asked to be recused from the matter. I took the issue to the Ethics Committee and after they reviewed the videos of our salacious behavior, the Committee’s advice was to promote and relocate Ms. Shaha Riza for impressive limberness and sheer constitutional fortitude. They also advised me to begin wearing a wrestling mask during my sexual episodes and to call myself El Rey del Diablo de los duendes.

I made a good faith effort to implement that advice, to avoid harming the institution, in case old enemies of mine at the state department ever got their hands on the videos. In hindsight, I wish I had trusted my original instincts and just killed anyone who knew about the relationship. I made a mistake, for which I am sorry.

Let me also ask for some understanding. Shaha Riza's hidden talents are so extensive that just seeing her walk down the hall in a loose-fitting neutral-colored pantsuit drives El Rey del Diablo crazy with the desire to don his mask and leap upon her like a Guatemalan leopard on a wounded boar. This was a painful personal dilemma, but I also had to deal with it when I was new to this institution and I was trying to navigate in uncharted waters in a wrestling mask. The situation was unprecedented and exceptional.

In the larger scheme of things, we have much more important work to focus on. Namely pirates. For those people who disagree with the things that they associate me with in my previous job, I’m not in my previous job, making up reasons to kill tens of thousands of innocent people. I’m not working for the U.S. government, I’m working for this institution and its 185 shareholders who want to pretend to help poor countries while they line their pockets with corporate blood money. I believe deeply in the mission of the institution and have a passion for it, the way El Rey del Diablo has a passion for doing it doggie style in the cafeteria's walk-in pantry. I think the challenge of reducing the chance of getting caught is of enormous importance. I also believe—even more strongly now than when I came to this job—that the world needs an effective multilateral institution like this one that can responsibly and credibly manage boatloads of money for common purposes, whether it is fighting imaginary pirates off the Ivory Coast or dealing with the logistics of making time to slip away for a quickie between committee meetings. I ask that I be judged for what I’m doing now and what we can do together in the cafeteria walk-in pantry moving forward.

The statement he actually made.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

All this Talk about Beavers

Boy, those fast and furious comments about the beaver creating the world sure did get a lot of attention. A lot for the T/P crowd, that is (8 and counting). Our readers are typically more reserved with their opinions. They tend to be spectators more than participators. They're more the Jimmy Swaggerts to our Pee Wee Hermans. But mix creationism and beavers in a blog and watch those comments fly. Albeit, Phelps made one of the comments, but that's just how polarizing a subject the beaver is, even we had to chime in.

Who doesn't like beaver?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Stolz Takes on Imus

Eric Stolz, veteran redhead and lauded actor, has tentatively signed to play the lead role in the Don Imus biopic "God, I Hate Myself." The screenplay has been written by lesser known younger Wayans brothers, Tito and Jermaine Wayans, and the film will be directed by Spike Lee.

Stolz agreed to play Imus after reading the script. "This character has so many layers," he confided to T/P entertainment correspondent, Mitch, "it's an actor's dream. Plus, I'm really good at playing a horribly disfigured, self-loathing racist."

The film is slated for a February 2008 release date to coincide with Black History month.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Jaded Sailor 20


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

A Big Mean Redneck Waiting in the Wings

Get ready, Dems, Fred Thompson is on his way.

He's a shrewd, strong, silent type. He's John Wayne with a law degree. America can't wait for him to throw his hat into the ring. And he's the only real threat the Democrats face in the coming presidential races. He's waiting in the wings, letting the lesser Republicans get beaten into submission by the pundits before he strides in to save the day.

That said, let's be honest. American's prefer a strong, authoritative father figure over a nagging mom with big calves. Even if you hate your drill sargent dad, when the ruthless gang of bikers have your little sister and mom tied up in the master bedroom while they make you bark like a dog in the living room, you pray your dad will get home in time to go Stacey Keach in 9th Configuration on their asses.

But don't forget, Fred is also a big mean redneck and a lawyer. If you want a laugh and an insight into all things Fred Thompson, check out John Saleeby's take on him as an interesting motherfucker. I couldn't have written it better.

Exit stage left.

Piven the Night Away

There’s a great new way to have fun at your favorite restaurant. It’s called “Pivening,” or “Doing the Piven.” It’s easy to do and will really help impress your date on important romantic outings like Valentines Day.

First, don’t make any reservations for your date. Only real nobodies require reservations. People who date nobodies might be impressed by your thoughtfulness when you make a reservation. But people who date the Glitterati, like say, Jeremy Piven, expect more than just a quiet evening out on the town. Reservations are for sissies.

Next, go to the most crowded and popular place in town. Doing the Piven is all about making a big public scene that proves your supernova-like importance in the universe. It’s incredibly sexy to barge your way into a crowded restaurant and make the nobodies with reservations wait an extra turn.

When the hostess says, “I’m sorry, we’re booked tonight. If you had a reservation, I could have…” be sure to interrupt her with a loud, “Do you know who I am?” Nothing demonstrates the astonishing magnitude of your fame and worth like asking someone if they know who you are. Your date will love it, too. Happy Valentines Day, honey, I got you big box of chocolate-covered embarrassment wrapped in humiliating self-conscious snobbery.

When I try the very dignified “Don’t you know who I am?” line, I get a variety of responses. Sometimes it’s Dave Matthews. If I’ve been on the road and my eyes are dark and saggy, I might get a Vince Vaughn. Sometimes they think I’m Sanjaya. But when I really behave like a total pompous ass and I wear a bad toupee, I get the best of all: “You’re that arrogant midget Jeremy Piven, aren’t’ you?” I tell them that I’m the tallest of all the midgets, which is really the best way to define Jeremy Piven’s entire career. I tell them I had my midget body lengthened to house my enormous ego.

If they do seat you, insult the servers and never tip. On your way out, it couldn’t hurt to throw in a “thanks for nothing, bozos.” Instead of tipping, do what Jeremy Piven does and leave them with a DVD of the first season of your current show. I know I always carry around DVDs of my first seasons just in case I need to stiff a waiter who didn’t recognize me. Or in case I need to prove to someone that I actually have a TV show. Of course, I don’t actually have a TV show, so instead I carry around one of Schuermann’s DVDs. Sometimes they’ll see the DVD cover and say, “oh yeah, you played that fey Beelzebub in that Jimmy movie.” I of course correct them and tell them I’m Schuermann. Sorry Pete. That’s why no one in town will take your reservation anymore. My suggestion is to make the reservation under Phelps and then Piven the night away. In your case, you could actually leave your own DVD, which is cool. Or maybe a framed photo of your Emmy award. Or you could do what you usually do and continue to be an all-around gentleman, although Piven wouldn’t approve and would probably refuse to work with you on any future projects involving arrogant midgets with deeply rooted self-concept issues. I still prefer the DVD route. So, take that, waiter who serves me into the wee hours yet fails to appreciate the flaunting spectacle of pretentious goo that is me. Or Jeremy Piven.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

50 Reason Republicans Cannot Win in 2008

1. Dick Cheney probably committed treason by outing Valerie Plame.

2. Giuliani’s wacko ideas on the economy scare even somewhat conservative Republicans.

3. George Bush has split the party into pieces with the Libertarians ashamed of the Fundamentalist Christians and vice versa.

4. Newt Gingrich was cheating on his wife while he was trying to impeach Bill Clinton.

5. Mitt Romney is a Morman and conservative Christians are afraid of Mormans.

6. Barack Obama rocks.

7. The Edwards family is the best display of family values we’ve seen from either party in two decades.

8. Iraq.

9. Iran.

10. North Korea.

11. Thanks to the above three, the Democrats are now seen as the foreign policy thought leaders.

12. America prefers science, education and government separated from sectarian religious views.

13. The middle class is tired of paying all the taxes while the wealthy pay none.

14. After stealing billions from us, Haliburton is moving to Dubai (what a slap in the face to our troops).

15. Most people really don’t care about their second amendment rights, even though they probably should.

16. People like the right to live their lives.

17. A recent Pew Research Center poll found that 50% of the country identifies themselves as Democrat while only 35% identify themselves as Republican.

18. Republicans were too weak to challenge an inarticulate monkey on his plans for the Iraq war.

19. Congress will pass an exit resolution for Iraq and Bush will veto it.

20. Global warming is real and won’t be solved by a Biblical apocalypse.

21. McCain’s temper makes him way to scary as Commander in Chief.

22. Republican views used to be described as conservative; now they can only be described as irrational.

23. The US Attorney scandal.

24. Torture is completely un-American by any standard or political viewpoint.

25. Americans are tired of being ignored by arrogant politicians.

26. It takes two jobs to support an average family these days thanks to no economic or domestic oversight by Republicans in six years.

27. Republicans have proven over and over again since Watergate (or since Iran Contra, or the ridiculous waste of tax-payer’s money in the White Water investigation that turned up nothing, or with anything related to Iraq, Haliburton or Karl Rove) that they have no problem lying to the American people for their own political and economic gain.

28. The Republican party has become a symbol of authoritarian excess and unethical thinking.

29. Americans deserve real ideas, not just fear and uncertainty.

30. America is a more dangerous place to live thanks to Republican policies.

31. The Bush Doctrine of preemptive war is unethical, dangerous and illegal in international law.

32. That “liberal, big government Democrat” Clinton balanced the budget by spending 50% less than we do today.

33. People are smart enough to know that the judicial activists are the extreme right-wing fundamentalists Bush has packed the courts with.

34. People want their government to stay out of their hospital rooms when their family members are dying. There are more important issues than Terry Schiavo.

35. There are more important issues than two people of the same sex who want to stay monogamous for the next 40 years.

36. Bill Frist is a shameless liar.

37. Tom Delay is a shameless liar.

38. Bush has the lowest approval rating in history.

39. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” four years ago – what does that say about their judgment?

40. 43% of Americans cannot afford health care or insurance.

41. Americans don’t want any more young Americans to die. More Americans have died in Iraq than in 9/11.

42. New Orleans is still a disaster.

43. Gas prices are sky-high and nothing is being invested in alternatives.

44. Electronic voting machines were rigged to get Bush elected – twice.

45. Even most pro-lifers (or as I like to say, pro-back-alley-abortion-ers) think that stem cell research is important to sustaining and improving life.

46. Privatizing Social Security shows either a fundamental disregard or ignorance of American history.

47. The Bush administration manipulated and censored science for political gain as documented in an open letter from 60 scientists, 20 of whom are Nobel Laureates.

48. You are being spied on for political reasons, not for protection against terror.

49. The Republicans have demonstrated the nastiest version of partisan politics in the last 50 years, and thus have shown disrespect to the views of most Americans.

50. America wants to return to their core values that will bring pride, prosperity, respect from other countries and principled leadership.

Jaded Sailor 19


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