Friday, April 13, 2007

Statement by Paul Wolfowitz (First Draft)

Controversy follows the minions of Bush the way the rumors in high school that Glenn Beck got his junk stuck in a sheep's ass followed him through college and onto CNN.

Yesterday, Paul Wolfowitz made a statement regarding the latest news encircling him, his girlfriend, Shaha Riza, and the World Bank. Last night, we sent Mitch on a covert dumpster-diving mission outside the Wolfowoitz compound and he surfaced this morning with what appears to be an initial draft of the statement. It was scribbled on several napkins, a sheef of toilet paper, and the back of a discarded receipt from Madame Hooka's Palace of Earthly Pleasures for one around-the-world and three golden showers ($3,468.23).

Paul Wolfowitz: Let me just say a few words about the issue on everyone’s mind. Yes, Shaha and I have been doing it; doing it like rabid lemurs on X. Two years ago, when I came to the Bank, I raised the issue of a potential conflict of interest and asked to be recused from the matter. I took the issue to the Ethics Committee and after they reviewed the videos of our salacious behavior, the Committee’s advice was to promote and relocate Ms. Shaha Riza for impressive limberness and sheer constitutional fortitude. They also advised me to begin wearing a wrestling mask during my sexual episodes and to call myself El Rey del Diablo de los duendes.

I made a good faith effort to implement that advice, to avoid harming the institution, in case old enemies of mine at the state department ever got their hands on the videos. In hindsight, I wish I had trusted my original instincts and just killed anyone who knew about the relationship. I made a mistake, for which I am sorry.

Let me also ask for some understanding. Shaha Riza's hidden talents are so extensive that just seeing her walk down the hall in a loose-fitting neutral-colored pantsuit drives El Rey del Diablo crazy with the desire to don his mask and leap upon her like a Guatemalan leopard on a wounded boar. This was a painful personal dilemma, but I also had to deal with it when I was new to this institution and I was trying to navigate in uncharted waters in a wrestling mask. The situation was unprecedented and exceptional.

In the larger scheme of things, we have much more important work to focus on. Namely pirates. For those people who disagree with the things that they associate me with in my previous job, I’m not in my previous job, making up reasons to kill tens of thousands of innocent people. I’m not working for the U.S. government, I’m working for this institution and its 185 shareholders who want to pretend to help poor countries while they line their pockets with corporate blood money. I believe deeply in the mission of the institution and have a passion for it, the way El Rey del Diablo has a passion for doing it doggie style in the cafeteria's walk-in pantry. I think the challenge of reducing the chance of getting caught is of enormous importance. I also believe—even more strongly now than when I came to this job—that the world needs an effective multilateral institution like this one that can responsibly and credibly manage boatloads of money for common purposes, whether it is fighting imaginary pirates off the Ivory Coast or dealing with the logistics of making time to slip away for a quickie between committee meetings. I ask that I be judged for what I’m doing now and what we can do together in the cafeteria walk-in pantry moving forward.

The statement he actually made.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Foreign officals are coming out of the woodworks calling for Paul's resignation! Don't they have any respect for one of the key co-architects of the Iraq war?

10:16 AM  

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