Friday, March 30, 2007

Republican Candidate Chooser

It’s hard to be a Republican these days. You’ve elected an inarticulate monkey to the world’s top office. Your trusted advisors leading all the way up to the Vice President have likely committed treason for political gain. Whether Edwards or Obama (Hope. Action. Change.), the Dems are going to run the smartest, most charismatic candidate since Bill Clinton. Now you have no idea who you should vote for in 2008?

T P is here to help with our handy Republican Candidate Chooser:

What are your views on the economy?
A) I want the rich to get richer.
B) I want the rich to get richer and also famous.
C) I want the rich to nuke Iran.

What are your views on the constitution?
A) I don’t want our President to worry about silly things like basic human rights; I want the homeless jailed, welfare derailed and my speech curtailed.
B) I think the constitution should be interpreted with enough flexibility to give the next Republican President the right to disband congress and declare martial law.
C) I would like a constitutional amendment that would require us to nuke Iran.

What are your views on marital infidelity?
A) It takes three marriages to really find yourself and your core values.
B) It takes multiple marriages, an affair while your current wife is in the hospital with cancer, and an affair while you are impeaching a sitting US President for covering up an affair to really find yourself and your core values.
C) Who cares about marriage when we should be worrying about how to nuke Iran?

What are your views on “don’t ask, don’t tell?”
A) Sailors should be allowed to dress in drag like the good ol’ days.
B) What someone does in the privacy of their own barracks is their business, unless he is a sitting US President who is also a Democrat.
C) More gays in the military would help us nuke Iran, right?

What are your views on nuking Iran?
A) I think someone who has never held a political job greater than mayor and who lost his senatorial bid to an out-of-towner should have access to the big red button.
B) I think that the big red button is a great way to get chicks, especially if your wife is dying in the hospital.
C) Can we nuke them twice?

If you chose mostly A’s, you should vote for the pro-gay, pro-choice, draconian swinger Rudy “Ru-Giu” Giuliani.

If you chose mostly B’s, you should vote for that sexy beast Newt Gingrich.

If you chose mostly C’s, John McCain is the temperamental hot-head you want with his finger on the big red button.

If you couldn’t make a choice because you have no idea what you stand for and change your mind about core values every two weeks, consider Mitt Romney.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Bulgarians Brawl Over Tasty Greek Food

The rumor is spreading all through Bulgaria: No food is better than Greek. And it's well worth fighting for, too. We're not talking about the gyros and shish kabobs you'll find on the streets of Athens. We're talking about the Greeks you'll find on the streets of Athens. Swarthy Greeks with their sumptuously tan ears waving in the Aegean wind.

Mmmm... that's good Greek ear.Mmmm... that's good ear.

Nothing arouses a Bulgarian's appetite like a juicy Greek ear. Add a little feta cheese and some kalamata olives and you've got a feast for your whole Bulgarian village!

T/P wants to know!
Post a comment with YOUR favorite recipe for Greek ear.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Straighten Your Facts when Turning a Phrase about The War

Media folks, politicians, pundits, and the guy under the bridge who tries to sell me his underwear when I'm waiting at the Bellevue and I-25 traffic light all need to get their facts straight when discussing the current conditions of military action in Iraq. It's not a war.

1. The War in Iraq is Over

It was over by April 2003, when the bulk of the Iraqi military, leaderless for the most part, surrended en masse to coalition forces. It was over when Baghdad fell and the Iraqi government officials disappeared, were killed, or surrrendered. It was over when the U.N. Security council voted unanimously to lift economic sanctions against Iraq.

After April 2003, any casualties, military action, bombings, or miscellaneous fighting that occurred was (and is) strictly postwar unrest. Emphasis on the post. It is related to outside influence or internal political posturing and civilian reaction to the presence of an occupying force and is separate from the actual war. As the various factions of this unrest coalesce into definite groups with names, strategic goals, leaders, headquarters, and the investiture of identity, then in my opinion the unrest becomes civil war. Regardless, to say that we are still fighting the war in Iraq is inaccurate.

2. We Cannot Win the War on Terror

It is about as possible to win a war against terror as it is to win a war against drugs. And ships carrying tons of cocaine, headed for the U.S. in this day and age are proof enough that we can't win a war on drugs. Terror is an amorphous concept and drugs are inanimate objects. They don't do anything on their own until someone decides to use them. Terror is a tool used by groups to control the actions and thoughts of others. You cannot wage a war on the tool, only on the groups that weild it. If our "war on terror" is a response to the attacks of 9/11, then we should call it a War on Al-Qaeda, and focus on Al-Qaeda.

Terrrorist organizations are criminal organizations. They should be monitored, investigated, infiltrated, crippled and dismantled by criminal justice forces, not military forces. If the terrorist organization is sponsored by or otherwise supported by a government, then the war on terror should be a war on the terrorist-supporting goverment.

We can dismantle terrorist organizations and the governments that support them, but we cannot win a war on terror. Throwing your formidable military force against every perceived threat is a waste of precious resources and lives. We have a great military and their purpose is to defend our nation from other nations' militaries. We don't use the military to hunt down serial killers or bank robbers. Hasn't four decades of James Bond films taught us anything? The same should go for terrorists, terrorist cells plotting within our country and terrorist orgnaizations abroad. We should use the vast police networks we have honed to near perfection to do what they do better than any tanks, infantry, special forces, artillery and air cover can ever do.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Creationists Getting Creative

Oh, those whacky Christian and Muslim literal creationists. They're inventing more and more creative methods for spreading their myths. Now the scientists of France are banding together to do battle with them.

When will the scientists and the Abrahamic creationists realize that they're both wrong? The truth is that the world was created about nine hundred years ago by a monochromatic beaver.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Memo for Team Ru-Giu

Note: My new name for Rudy Giuliani is Ru-Giu. I'm using that name because Ru-Giu has been photographed in drag more times than Ru-Paul.

Memo to Team Giuliani

RE: Talking points when faced with questions regarding Ru-Giu’s pro-gay, swinging lifestyle

Question: Isn’t it hypocritical for the same Republicans who vilified Bill Clinton for extramarital relations to vote for a swinger like Ru-Giu who is on his third wife? Isn’t Clinton still married to his, um, first wife? Isn’t Ru-Giu everything we hated about Clinton and worse? Isn’t he a self-serving, power hungry lawyer to boot?

Answer: Family values aren’t about staying married to one woman for your entire life. They aren’t about having children who still actually talk to you. They’re about lowering taxes for the rich. Multiple marriages never hurt the Gabor sisters.

Question: I’m uncomfortable with Ru-Giu’s pro-gay, pro-choice agenda. He sounds further left than Hillary Clinton.

Answer: Look, if Hillary Clinton were a male Republican and she didn’t change her views on a single issue, she would’ve already been President. Think of Ru-Giu as the male Republican Hillary Clinton, who looks even better in Max Factor.

Question: Ru-Giu is a pro-gay, swinging womanizer. His own kids won’t talk to him. And that’s the stuff we already know. What other skeletons are in his closet?

Answer: He was a draft-dodger, has mafia ties and his law firm represented Citgo, the Venezuela-controlled gas company.

Nosferatu Alan Colmes Wants to Eat Your Spleen!

Last night, channel surfing in my hotel room, I came across Fox News' Hannity & Colmes and was shocked to see evidence that Alan Colmes is undead. Or at least his makeup artist, Gerta Schmeeringbase (local 446) wants us to believe he's undead. Why else would she have done such a God-awful job with his foundation?

I'm serious, he looked like a week-old, gray cupcake with a thick layer of orange icing. It was hideous. What's worse, he was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO Sean Hannity, and Sean's makeup was perfect!

Maybe Mr. Colmes is actually nosferatu; a soulless flesh-walker who hides in the Fox News basement during the day (eating rats and the odd, lost mailroom employee he catches down there, my precious) and crawls up to the fourth floor at night to endure the bright lights and gothic teleprompters as payment for his sanctuary. What other reason would a self-respecting liberal have to actually collect a paycheck from Rupert Murdoch?

(Photo: Though a file image I touched up in Photoshop, the photo at right is a close approximation to how bad Alan's makeup was applied.)

Jaded Sailor 18


Monday, March 19, 2007

Keep 'Em Coming, President Talibani

Saddam Hussein's former vice president, Taha Yassin Ramadan, will be hanged on Tuesday for crimes against humanity, a full five months after the holiday for which he was named ended.

Man, they're really going to town in Iraq with the capital punishment. They're executing members of Saddam's inner circle faster than Texas would give a retarded black teenager the lethal injection.

(Now, that's fast.)

The Vaderness of Dick Cheney

Bush admin detractors often liken Dick Cheney to that iconic Sith lord, Darth Vader, by calling him Darth Cheney. I take offense to that characterization.

True, like Vader, Cheney is a heavy breather and has artificial parts keeping his leathery heart beating. His mail always gets forwarded to his permanent address on The Dark Side. Rumors abound of him taking great pleasure in slaughtering every defenseless child in the Jedi temple.

But in the end, despite all his evildoings and planet smashing, Darth Vader turned on his dark master and cast him into a power reactor, sacrificing himself to save his son, Luke. He redeemed himself and got to come back as a smiling, luminescent phantom alongside Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda.

Cheney on the other hand will never redeem himself. His rottenness goes all the way through. Let's stop calling him Darth Cheney and find a nickname that better suits him.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Jaded Sailor 17


Friday, March 16, 2007

Throw Him on a Cheeseburger; Gonzales in a Pickle

Alberto Gonzales has been heard singing an old favorite from the Clash as he wanders the Halls of Justice. "Should I stay or should I go? If I leave there will be trouble... but if I stay it will be double. So come on and let me knoooow. Should I stay or should I go?"

I've been praying with him on this subject. I want him to go, but at the same time I fear the consequences of him leaving. Who will replace him? Will he become a partner at some international law firm and do more damage in the private sector than he could ever do in the government?

Everybody in Bush's remaining inner circle (Cheney, Rice, Rove, and Gonzales) has an ace in the hole, the golden parachute for all presidential cronies, the Presidential Pardon. Like Nixon said to Ford, "Jerry, we have to protect those who've protected us. And I protected your sorry Michigan ass while you cooked the books on the Warren Report. So roll out that pardon for ol' Dickey." (You can expect one December 2007 for Scooter Libby, among others. Mark my words.) Maybe he'll stick around with that promise of clemency from George the Benevolent, or he'll leave and hope George doesn't feel abandoned.

Here's the dilemma. What do you think, should he stay or should he go?

Gonzales Don't Go. If you stay in office as the attorney general, take your lumps from congress, and keep doing the job we all know you're suited for, then we know where you are and can keep and eye on you. You won't slip into the slime-covered alleys of international private enterprise or agencies (can you say Paul Wolfowitz?) to increase intolerance toward the impoverished in third world countries or spread discord to stimulate growth of the military-industrial complex.

Go, Alberto, Go. Be a man. Hang your head in shame and march back to San Antonio. When the subpeonas start arriving from Congress to testify about your involvement in all the nasty, dirty, underhanded cases involving your patron, Saint George, plead the fifth, practice the mantra, "I don't recall," and pray for that presidential pardon. In the end, this is where you'll be regardless, but this way you'll have left office on your own terms.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Buck Stops Here. No... Here. No... Here. The Buck Definitely Stops Here.

Flies gather as the lackey, Snow, crawls from the refuse of the Mexican landfill. He brushes away the filthy, starving, barefoot orphans tugging on the coattails of his permanent-press suit and unfurls the proclamation. He holds it high for all to see, pausing for dramatic effect with the sun at his back, and then announces in a booming once-newsman voice, "Let the Scaping of the Goats begin!"

The (alleged) politically-motivated firing of federal prosecutors was Harriet Miers' idea. Yes, Harriet of the "she would make a great supreme court chief justice" Harriets, now relegated to the ranks of "those who would make good scapegoats." Quoteth Snow:

"That was her idea."

I'm sure our favorite history undergrad hates to be reminded of Mr. Truman's lasting legacy: that the President is ultimately responsible for his decisions and those decisions he empowers his staff to make. I guess he's not from Missouri.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Who Will Police the Police?

And who will watch the watchmen?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Firefighters Lambast Giuliani

The International Association of Firefighters is calling Rudy Giuliani guilty of "egregious acts." And no, it's not just because he's a pro-gay swinger.

"Mayor Giuliani's actions meant that firefighters and citizens who perished
would either remain buried at Ground Zero forever, with no closure for families,
or be removed like so much garbage and deposited at the Fresh Kills landfill,"
the letter said, adding: "Hundreds remained entombed in Ground Zero when
Giuliani gave up on them." "What Giuliani showed is a disgraceful lack of
respect for the fallen and those brothers still searching for them," it added.

Wow. I thought the one thing that weasel had going for him was his post-9/11 response.

Mission Accomplished

Don't forget to celebrate the only thing of lasting value the Bush Administration has ever done and turn your clocks forward a month early. That might actually save some energy, but it cannot save your souls from eternal torment, Bushies.

Jaded Sailor 16


Friday, March 09, 2007

Attorney General Incensed FBI was Caught

The Washington Post reported that the FBI improperly obtained credit reports and other information on individuals through errors in using its power to investigate terrorism or espionage suspects, citing a U.S. Justice Department audit.
National Security Letter definitionThe findings prompted an "incensed" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to order the FBI to place new safeguards over its use of so-called national-security letters to secretly demand telephone, e-mail and financial records, "to make sure they don't get caught again." One unnamed Justice Department staff member said, that the Attorney General threatened "to send the next agent who got caught misusing this power to the Gulag." We assume that by gulag he means one of the CIA's hidden, black-ops, detainment and torture facilities in Eastern Europe.

"These past mistakes will not be tolerated," Gonzales spokeswoman Tasia Scolinos was quoted as telling the Post. Most news agencies hesitated calling the Justice Department for a more detailed comment, fearing they might receive their own national-security letter in response.

What sparked all the hooplah?

The congressionally mandated audit found that in 2005 alone, the FBI issued more than 19,000 national security letters amounting to 47,000 separate requests for information, the Post said. In their sampling of 293 letters, investigators found that 22 errors were possible violations of department rules and some were potential violations of law the Post reported, citing officials with access to the audit.

Six and half years after the 9/11 tragedy, we're still struggling with the question, "how free is too free?" Let's not keep playing into the hands of the terrorists. They want us to whittle away our civil liberties. When we're too frightened to stand up and speak out against our own government, we'll be too frightened to resist the Islamist theocracy they envision for the world.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Farewell D.C., Hello Halliburton!

A blood clot in his leg could be Dick's ticket out of the giant pit of public disgrace he and his minions have dug for themselves. The doctors have him on blood thinners. They've got him, traveling less. They've got him "taking it easy." Next stop: a heartfelt excuse for getting out of politics, which leaves the responsibility for cleaning up the mess he helped build to the woefully ill-equipped Bush, stammering Dr. Rice, and ultimately the poor Democratic schmuck who inherits the failings of this administration.

Will Cheney retire to his ranch in Wyoming to while away his days flyfishing, giving the occasional $100,000 keynote speech at Republican fund-raisers, and dismembering and eating unwary campers he catches on his property? Or will he return to his dark sanctuary and secret lover, Halliburton, to resume command of the lucrative no-bid government contracts his tenure as vice president guaranteed?

We'll see how this plays out over the next few weeks or months.

Next question: who will replace Cheney for the last year and a half of Bush's reign? Certainly someone the wiley RNC wants to groom for a future run at the White House.

Dick Cheney's blood clot

Monday, March 05, 2007

Paul Harvey Comes Clean

After much prodding, probing, cajoling, and withholding of metamucil, our on-the-street, undercover, eyewitness reporter, Mitch, has persuaded venerable radio personality Paul Harvey to come clean. He's been living a lie.

"Fine," Harvey said, "it's not the rest of the story. It's just the story. Can I have my heart medicine back, now?"

At the risk of devastating thousands of homebound AARP members, T/P News is exclusively shedding the light of truth on this obvious piece of minutiae. Despite the claim made in his trademarked catch phrase, "And that's the rest of the story™," all these years Paul Harvey has just been reading the news wires and hasn't been expanding any more on the stories you've been getting from other sources like newspapers, the evening news, or your gossip neighbor Edna Kravitz.

Page two.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Jaded Sailor 15


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