Bush Signs Youth Suicide Prevention Law, Dozens of Elderly Kill Themselves in Protest

(AP) President Bush on Thursday signed into law a bill authorizing $82 million in grants aimed at preventing suicide among young people.

But the AARP and other lobbyists for the elderly, like UDW (United Denture Wearers) and IncOFAM (Incontinent Old Fogies of America) claim that the law discriminates against Americans who are not young. In Washington D.C. Friday, elderly from across the nation shuffled in slippers, hobbled-along with walkers, rode Rascals, and dangerously catapulted oversized Bonnevilles through crowded markets and the wrong way down one-way streets to attend a protest rally sponsored by IncOFAM.

"We're old, damnit," railed one old Vermont geezer, "and we deserve some of that grant money!"

An octegenarian from Wyoming exclaimed, "Those young suicidal whipper-snappers don't know what to do with 82 million dollars. They'll just spend it on dungarees and rock-a-billy music."

Representatives from IncOFAM have proposed legislation to provide an equitable $82 million in grants to delay suicide among the elderly. Their proposal states that the money will be used to "buy RVs so we can see America one last time before the Grim Reaper comes for us" and "for plane tickets to tapings of the Price Is Right."