Falwell Near Death; Hell Makes Room

Though his respirator has been removed and he's been upgraded to "critical" condition, the Reverend Jerry Falwell remains in the hospital with congestive heart failure and fluid in his lungs. Meanwhile, far below, the minions of hell are making ready his state room.

"He's a glutton for punishment," diabolical cruise director and type two demon, Julie McCoy, said, "quite literally. A man of his size and indiscretions takes a lot of coordination if you want to treat him right. We've got big plans for Mr. Falwell, from a celebrity-filled gala welcome dinner including being roasted by Ronald Reagan and Joe McCarthy, to a 'This is Your Life' retrospective with highlights on his gross misunderstanding of the New Testament and all the people he's directly or indirectly hurt over the past seventy years."