Monday, May 07, 2007

God Smites Kansas Town for Sinful Thoughts

Fundamentalist Christians across the U.S. are shaking their collective finger at what remains of the city of Greensburg, just days after God Almighty smote the county seat. Shouts of "Praise the Lord!", "God is merciful!", and "Fear his wrath!" echoed from Southern Baptist prayer centers across the Bible Belt during Sunday services.

Evelyn Taint, speaking for Dr. Frank Page, president of the Southern Baptist Convention, told Turner/Phelps that this catastrophic event had been building for some months. She said it started last year when the idol worshipping Catholics in Greensburg announced that starting in September their Knights of Columbus Hall would be open for bingo on Sundays. After that, The Book Nook, Greensburg's only bookstore, advertised that in July it would be selling copies of the forthcoming witchcraft manual, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And the trouble culminated with the local rotary club's decision to give their annual New Year's fund-raising dinner a Carnivale theme. "You know how Jesus hates Mardis Gras," Taint said.

Despite the fact that none of these "sinful" acts have yet to be committed, the Baptists assert that much like George Bush, God unilaterally reserves the right to pre-emptively smite future sinners. "Your book has been written," Taint explained, "And God Almighty knows that which has passed and that which is yet to be. So, when He decides to send the Holy Ghost down as a class five funnel cloud doesn't really matter, does it? In His eyes, you've already sinned."


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