The One Queen Cheney Won't Beat the Crap Out of Behind the Bar

Being veep of the U.S. isn't all fun and wargames. Occasionally you have to do some real work like culling the overburdened lawyer herds in Texas or meeting the Queen of England, which is exactly what Cheney did this week in Jamestown, VA. The Queen thing, that is, not the lawyer thing. (He did his part to cull the overpopulated herd of loose neck Texas lawyers last year.)

Ah, but THE Queen. With a capital the. And we're not talking about Nathan Lane, either. We mean the Head of the Commonwealth, Lord High Admiral of the royal navy, and Supreme Governor of the Church of England. She's the only admiral in a tiara whose hand Cheney will shake. (Believe me, I tried to shake his hand at a fundraiser one time wearing a tiara and sailor suit. He was on me like a rabid bulldog on a one-legged cat. So ferocious, they had to taze him. Those boys from Wyoming don't act kindly toward fellas who look like they just strolled down from Broke Back Mountain.)

So Cheney took precious time away from oiling Bush's talking strings this week so that he could perform his diplomatic duties as the highest official designated to meet The Queen. When Blair's in town, it's Georgie-boy who's rubbing Tony's shoulders and making terrorist jokes. But when Her Majesty comes calling, they dust off Cheney's coffin, feed him two pints of fresh congressional page blood and make sure The Queen isn't carrying any raw garlic in her clutch purse.