Making Your Progressive Speech Acceptable to the Masses

Lefties like me have a bad rep for “exaggerating” the excesses of the neo-con right. Apparently, our statements of fact less believable when shrouded in dark humor. Since we don’t want to seem gloomy, here is a primer for adding accuracy to your descriptions of the right.

Instead of saying: George Bush is an illiterate monkey…
You should more accurately say: George Bush is a compassionate, illiterate monkey.

Instead of saying: Karl Rove is a greasy ball of snot…
You should more accurately say: Karl Rove is a treasonous mucous flinger.

Instead of saying: Bill O’Reilly is a lying sack of %*&!
You should more accurately say: Bill O’Reilly is one horny SOB

Instead of saying: Ann Coulter’s horse-like face should be muzzled with a feed bag stuffed with moldy corn
You should more accurately say: Ann Coulter is unpatriotic and ignorant

Instead of saying: Donald Rumsfeld is the fourth horseman of the apocalypse…
You should more accurately say: Donald Rumsfeld is to the impending apocalypse as beer is to a riot of soccer hoodlums.

Instead of saying: Dick Cheney is a squinty-eyed monster who ignores opinion polls
You should more accurately say: Dick Cheney reads opinion polls like he shoots guns – with his eyes closed.

Instead of saying: Colin Powell is a spineless tool
You should more accurately say: Colin Powell occasionally tells the truth.