Turner|Phelps Exclusive: Sneak Preview of W’s Convention Address

My fellow Americans, neo-con sock puppets and inarticulate monkeys:

Recently, my opponent and the left-wing media have tried to distort what this campaign is about. They’ve tried to make this campaign about the 1.3 million jobs lost in the last three years, a failed war in Iraq, an environment on the verge of collapse, the national health care crisis and other items in their commie socialist agenda. But we know better.

This campaign is about feeling vaguely uncomfortable with John Kerry but not really knowing why you have that feeling. Sort of like flying around with your dad, Dick Cheney and a couple bin Ladens on Air Force One while discussing baseball. There’s nothing really wrong with it, it just feels funny in the pit of your stomach. John Kerry’s like that. John Kerry goes on and on about his war record, his courage, his three purple hearts. Don’t it make you wonder? Who signs up to go to Vietnam? Who steers their boat into enemy fire to pick rescue a stranger? Obviously, from early on, Kerry has worked a sinister plan to get into the Oval Office. This twisted, deviant sense of patriotic duty motivated his heroic behavior. Shame on you, Kerry. One thing is certain about George W. Bush – I’m not so self-centered and power hungry to risk my life for another American. That’s not what I’m about.

I’ll tell you what I am about. I’ve made a big deal over gay marriage and you’ve told me I’m wrong to oppose gay marriage. So I’m listening with my giant monkey ears. Gays and lesbians are out to destroy the very fabric of our society. Gays and lesbians want the right to pledge their love to each other, forsaking all others in a bond of matrimony. Since we know they’re out to destroy America with their devotion and love, we can only come to one conclusion: marriage must be evil. I am proposing a constitutional ban on marriages of any kind. Let me remind you that the Clintons are married. I mean, what kind of people stick together after such devastating scandal? Besides me and Cheney. Or me and Ken Lay. Or me and the Saudi Royal Family. Who are these married Clintons who seem so willing to endure adultery and humiliation to make their sacred vows work? Sure, some may call that love and respect or even maturity, but I call it an attack on American values. Marriage has to be stopped.

But your decision in November hinges on one doubt: what kind of man is John Kerry? What kind of man wants to lead this country? This country isn’t what it used to be in the fifties. I’ve kind of stinked it up. I mean, look, I didn’t ask for the job. I even lost last time and they still made me president. God has stuck me with the job. Probably as a punishment for all the coke I did. But what is wrong with Kerry that he’d actually try to get elected? It’s a job for idiots. You think I like hearing Dick Cheney tell me every day about how he should’ve been president and how he’s really leading the country and how I should just shut my cake hole? What kind of man is Kerry to ask for that abuse? And I’ll tell you something else about John Kerry: he’s married. Does that mean he’s gay?

So don’t listen to the environmentalists who say I’m prostituting our national wilderness. Don’t listen to so-called “national security experts” at the “Pentagon,” who say I’m ignoring North Korea at the risk of global peril. Don’t listen to Colin Powell who says I have a peculiar obsession with Saddam Hussein. Don’t listen to women who want to have a say in what they do with their lives and their bodies. Don’t listen to black people who complain that I’m the only sitting president to refuse to address the NAACP. Don’t listen to tech workers who haven’t pulled in a paycheck for three years. In fact, don’t even listen to the GOP when they tell you to vote for me. Hell, you didn’t vote for me last time and I’m still here.

Good night.