Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Turner|Phelps Exclusive: Sneak Preview of W’s Convention Address

My fellow Americans, neo-con sock puppets and inarticulate monkeys:

Recently, my opponent and the left-wing media have tried to distort what this campaign is about. They’ve tried to make this campaign about the 1.3 million jobs lost in the last three years, a failed war in Iraq, an environment on the verge of collapse, the national health care crisis and other items in their commie socialist agenda. But we know better.

This campaign is about feeling vaguely uncomfortable with John Kerry but not really knowing why you have that feeling. Sort of like flying around with your dad, Dick Cheney and a couple bin Ladens on Air Force One while discussing baseball. There’s nothing really wrong with it, it just feels funny in the pit of your stomach. John Kerry’s like that. John Kerry goes on and on about his war record, his courage, his three purple hearts. Don’t it make you wonder? Who signs up to go to Vietnam? Who steers their boat into enemy fire to pick rescue a stranger? Obviously, from early on, Kerry has worked a sinister plan to get into the Oval Office. This twisted, deviant sense of patriotic duty motivated his heroic behavior. Shame on you, Kerry. One thing is certain about George W. Bush – I’m not so self-centered and power hungry to risk my life for another American. That’s not what I’m about.

I’ll tell you what I am about. I’ve made a big deal over gay marriage and you’ve told me I’m wrong to oppose gay marriage. So I’m listening with my giant monkey ears. Gays and lesbians are out to destroy the very fabric of our society. Gays and lesbians want the right to pledge their love to each other, forsaking all others in a bond of matrimony. Since we know they’re out to destroy America with their devotion and love, we can only come to one conclusion: marriage must be evil. I am proposing a constitutional ban on marriages of any kind. Let me remind you that the Clintons are married. I mean, what kind of people stick together after such devastating scandal? Besides me and Cheney. Or me and Ken Lay. Or me and the Saudi Royal Family. Who are these married Clintons who seem so willing to endure adultery and humiliation to make their sacred vows work? Sure, some may call that love and respect or even maturity, but I call it an attack on American values. Marriage has to be stopped.

But your decision in November hinges on one doubt: what kind of man is John Kerry? What kind of man wants to lead this country? This country isn’t what it used to be in the fifties. I’ve kind of stinked it up. I mean, look, I didn’t ask for the job. I even lost last time and they still made me president. God has stuck me with the job. Probably as a punishment for all the coke I did. But what is wrong with Kerry that he’d actually try to get elected? It’s a job for idiots. You think I like hearing Dick Cheney tell me every day about how he should’ve been president and how he’s really leading the country and how I should just shut my cake hole? What kind of man is Kerry to ask for that abuse? And I’ll tell you something else about John Kerry: he’s married. Does that mean he’s gay?

So don’t listen to the environmentalists who say I’m prostituting our national wilderness. Don’t listen to so-called “national security experts” at the “Pentagon,” who say I’m ignoring North Korea at the risk of global peril. Don’t listen to Colin Powell who says I have a peculiar obsession with Saddam Hussein. Don’t listen to women who want to have a say in what they do with their lives and their bodies. Don’t listen to black people who complain that I’m the only sitting president to refuse to address the NAACP. Don’t listen to tech workers who haven’t pulled in a paycheck for three years. In fact, don’t even listen to the GOP when they tell you to vote for me. Hell, you didn’t vote for me last time and I’m still here.

Good night.


Blogger Phelps said...

Democratic Response to the speech (Sen. Joe Leiberman):
"He is obviously misusing some facts, skirting issues important to the American public, and is losing a battle with a raging brain tumor that is devouring his perception of reality."

Republican Response to the speech (Sen. Bill Frist):
"He's our only hope, the only voice of reason in a sea of chaos, and our last chance to pull America back from the brink of utter destruction. Excuse me while a shed a single tear for the cameras."

11:04 AM  
Blogger Mitch said...

I want to be a neo-con sock puppet. Even with their inarticulate use of fabric as their sole means of expression, they can still convey a deeper and richer pageant of emotions than Sen. Pelosi on crack.

Dude. This presidential race sucks. The only guy I WANTED to vote for had to drop out because of a yell. Now it's a contest to vote against the person I hate the most. And golly, I love contests like that.

It's kind of like asking who would win in a knifefight between John Bolton and Kenny G.

Duh. Everybody wins.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Phelps said...

John Bolton, Mitch? Is that Michael Bolton's less-musically-inclined evil twin brother?
Guess what? Stay tuned, because YOU JUST WON the "Which of our readers is going to be transformed into a neo con sock puppet?" contest.
Unfortunately, it will require that we splice your genetic material with a sheep to get the perfect neo con wool.
Oh, wait, you're from Kentucky... your genes have already had their fair share of sheep intermingling. Cool, less work for us!

8:17 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

See, I'm not just being a good Dem here, I really believe in John Kerry, I think he's a great man and will become one of our best Presidents. No, really.

11:38 AM  
Blogger God of History said...

It's "Pie Hole" you idiots! "Pie Hole."

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's why it's funny. Cheney says "cake hole." Rich guys trying to sound down-home. Like nucular instead of nuclear.

Or Matt is retarded. One or the other.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Phelps said...

Anonymous is right on both counts. (It's funny AND Matt is retarded.)
And in present vernacular, TGoT, it is acceptable to instruct another to either "shut their pie hole" OR "shut their cake hole." Both mean the same thing, is equally demeaning, and in some instances more effective than the other.
Someday, Bill O'Reilly might expand his vocabulary enough to use one of these phrases instead of his standard two-syllable command, "Shut up."

10:58 AM  

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