Monday, August 23, 2004

Dole's Noggin Goes Limp

Bob Dole, America's poster boy for flaccidity, has joined the cause of the Swift Boat Veterans Who Hate America:
"I mean, one day he's saying that we were shooting civilians, cutting off their
ears, cutting off their heads, throwing away his medals or his ribbons,'' Mr.
Dole said. "The next day he's standing there, 'I want to be president because
I'm a Vietnam veteran.' ''
I guess when you're a senile old goat, 35 years can seem like a single day. We know Dole's arm is limp from his heroic service in WWII, his penis is limp sans Viagra thanks to years of kissing Reagan's ass and his Presidential campaign was limp from day one. Has his brain gone numb, too?

I mean a guy like Dole, he must know what he's talking about. He'd surely get his facts straight before he'd make any brazen comments, right?
"John Kerry's a hero," Mr. Dole told Wolf Blitzer. "But what I will always
quarrel about are the Purple Hearts. I mean, the first one, whether he ought to
have a Purple Heart - he got two in one day, I think. And he was out of there in
less than four months, because three Purple Hearts and you're

Mr. Kerry did not receive two Purple Hearts for events of the
same day. He received them for the events of Dec. 2, 1968, Feb. 20, 1969, and
March 13, 1969. Mr. Kerry often acknowledges that his wounds were not severe,
but he still has shrapnel in his left thigh from the firefight that led to his
second Purple Heart.
So Kerry's a war hero with three purple hearts and the compassion to question our involvement in Vietnam in the hopes of bringing more Americans home alive. You're right, he's unfit to be President.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think attacking a man's flaccidty is mean. Dole did his best to serve our country and it's not his fault he sucks at everything he does. Viva the flaccid.

10:49 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

Hey, I'm not trying to be mean, just reporting the truth man. I don't call you people mean when you call me flaccid. Or Peter Brady. Or poorly groomed. Or stinky. Or there goes Dave Matthews flushing his toilet in our river again.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am I being mean when I tell you your not really that funny?

9:32 AM  

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