Army Recruiter Cheat Sheet

According to NPR's All Things Considered, the United States Army has taken the unusual step of planning a "values stand-down" for its recruiters on May 20. Recruiters will retrain on acceptable recruiting practices. According to the story, a recruiter was caught on tape telling someone posing as a high-school dropout (the Army doesn’t take dropouts) how to fake his drug test to conceal his confessed marijuana addiction.

Here’s a cheat sheet for the upcoming values stand-down training.

RECRUITING DOS AND DON'TS

DO talk about the remarkable diversity within the 700,000 member Army. DON’T say, “you’re the first white guy I’ve talked to all week… would you like to be a Captain?”

DO discuss the training opportunities available for young recruits. DON’T tell them that most young soldiers become high-paid executives of Fortune 500 companies by learning how to solder radio circuit boards.

DO tell them that with 20 years of hard work and months away from their family, they could be awarded with promotions. DON’T tell them the only jobs available this month are for two-star generals, so they’ll have to do that for the next four years.

DO tell them about the many exotic locales they could lose their limbs visiting. DON’T tell them that driving fast cars in Italy, skiing Germany and getting wasted on the beaches of Guam is how most soldiers spend their days.

DO tell them that them that there will be money available for college upon retirement. DON’T tell them that they’ll ever actually have a shot at retirement in the current military or in any way imply that the money for college will pay for more than three units, a book and a grilled cheese sandwich.

DO tell them about the opportunities for personal growth in the Army – that is of course if they don’t die fighting for oil in a country 300 times smaller than the U.S., or if the current President, either accidentally or on purpose, brings about the apocalypse.