America, Look What You’ve Done to Me

We’re a dying breed my brothers and sisters. Apparently, peace, love and common sense are the dangerous marks of an elitist minority. I’m drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Knob Creek and here are some of my tear-stained thoughts on the matter.

President Bush wins the popular vote with the most votes in the history of recorded democratic elections. Tom Daschle is sent home as South Dakotans surrender the only real power they’ve ever had in the Senate. In a little-reported ballot initiative, Ohio votes to sell the remains of Mother Teresa to Michael Jackson. (You see, the people of Ohio are evil, evil I say).

Ten states ban gay marriage. Voters in Oregon also ban Seeing Eye dogs. According to Gary Bauer, “Blindness should be defined as a union between the CIA and Al Qaeda, not as a flip-flopping man who lies with a dog. That’s against God and everything holy.”

Vote or Die. We foolishly counted on the youth vote. It turns out that 18-to-21-year-olds voted only slightly more than eight-year-olds.

22 percent of voters claim “morality” as their primary voting issue. “Morality” apparently means killing innocent Iraqis for no reason, jacking up the price of oil, ending aid for single mothers, tax breaks for billionaires, automatic weapons for children and a full-frontal attack on your privacy. The second most popular reason for voting for Bush: curiosity about what mushroom clouds might look like.

The real winner: comic irony. George the First lost after winning the war with Iraq. George II wins by losing.

Kerry’s gracious concession speech secures three critical issues: unifying the articulate minority with the uneducated majority (college educated women were four times as likely to vote for Kerry as women who didn’t finish high school, thank you No Child Left Behind), avoiding a civil war, and making ketchup safe again for conservatives.

New scientific discovery: Invisibility (Nader 2004)

New scientific world view: ancient Hebrews understood much more about science than say, Steven Hawking or Carl Sagan.

Al Gore offers this advice: concede early, grow a Karl Marx beard, gain fifty pounds and spout off oblique insanities whenever possible.

America, I’m very disappointed in you. Wait ‘til your father gets home.