Wednesday, November 03, 2004

America, Look What You’ve Done to Me

We’re a dying breed my brothers and sisters. Apparently, peace, love and common sense are the dangerous marks of an elitist minority. I’m drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Knob Creek and here are some of my tear-stained thoughts on the matter.

President Bush wins the popular vote with the most votes in the history of recorded democratic elections. Tom Daschle is sent home as South Dakotans surrender the only real power they’ve ever had in the Senate. In a little-reported ballot initiative, Ohio votes to sell the remains of Mother Teresa to Michael Jackson. (You see, the people of Ohio are evil, evil I say).

Ten states ban gay marriage. Voters in Oregon also ban Seeing Eye dogs. According to Gary Bauer, “Blindness should be defined as a union between the CIA and Al Qaeda, not as a flip-flopping man who lies with a dog. That’s against God and everything holy.”

Vote or Die. We foolishly counted on the youth vote. It turns out that 18-to-21-year-olds voted only slightly more than eight-year-olds.

22 percent of voters claim “morality” as their primary voting issue. “Morality” apparently means killing innocent Iraqis for no reason, jacking up the price of oil, ending aid for single mothers, tax breaks for billionaires, automatic weapons for children and a full-frontal attack on your privacy. The second most popular reason for voting for Bush: curiosity about what mushroom clouds might look like.

The real winner: comic irony. George the First lost after winning the war with Iraq. George II wins by losing.

Kerry’s gracious concession speech secures three critical issues: unifying the articulate minority with the uneducated majority (college educated women were four times as likely to vote for Kerry as women who didn’t finish high school, thank you No Child Left Behind), avoiding a civil war, and making ketchup safe again for conservatives.

New scientific discovery: Invisibility (Nader 2004)

New scientific world view: ancient Hebrews understood much more about science than say, Steven Hawking or Carl Sagan.

Al Gore offers this advice: concede early, grow a Karl Marx beard, gain fifty pounds and spout off oblique insanities whenever possible.

America, I’m very disappointed in you. Wait ‘til your father gets home.


Blogger God of History said...

Daddy's Home! Time for a good spanking'

You wanna-be Liberal types wouldn't know a Liberal if one burned her bra in front of you! Or if she burned a library book in the middle of a street.

You think that those rich capitalist conservatives are buying the beautiful places in Colorado, Montana, Wyoming, and Idaho. WRONG! It really is the Liberal types who are fencing you out of the places you want preserved for your tent carrying, Birkenstock wearing buddies. Rich capitalists are too busy making money to wast time on blocking the average citizen from entering public lands.

Worse yet, you must really be a closet conservative. Real left-leaning-liberals would never think to desecrate a saint by putting his name along side of that wacked out nun titled "Mother" when she never bore any children.

Come come thing you know you'll be telling us those noises and odors comming from under the stairs are english speaking experimental rats imported for stem cell research by Dr. Janet Reno when in reality they are those flat head - flat foot - big eared - 3 ft tall - green card carrying - toothless pygmies illegially imported from Venezuela.

And the key to knowing that you are all makeup wearing, hair coloring, wanna-be Liberals? Only a true conservative capitalist would even know who Steven and Carl are!

8:28 AM  
Blogger Mitch said...

Republicans will control the following branches:
Executive hands down
Legislative, minus a democratic filibuster, Republicans control it
Judicial, 3 nominees to make in the next 4 years

So everyone in the country will be forced to live by Republican standards and abide by Republican moral values.

How is it a balance of power when only one party is in control?

9:47 AM  

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