Friday, November 26, 2004

Crawford Citizen Crisis

Crawford Citizen Crisis
Juan Andrews
Waco, TX

Local residents in Crawford, Texas are shocked and embarrased by what has come to be known in current National news as the "Crawford Caged Coyote Cabal". Experts in nearby Waco, Texas, from the Animal Wizardry Department at Baylor University have been able to offer only a partial explanation of events so far.

Head science-monger Esteban Jones, considered to be the unofficial pointy-haired-official on the scene summed up events by wildly gesturing at the horizon and hopping up and down. Assistant science-monger Esmerelda Smith was quoted by local television reporter Ester Cooper as saying "Oh goodness, it appears that Esteban has received the coyote craziness and must now be shot." Unofficial reports, which have yet to be confirmed, say that Ms. Smith aimed a Supersoaker 250 model summer edition at Mr. Jones, and proceeded to douse him with a volume of mystery purple-red liquid equivelant to 2.5 pints of water. Local schoolchildren on holiday break exclaimed that the liquid was "purified cranberry sauce with a glazed almond extract and an overall palette indicative of that highly esteemed chef Cunningham in the District 14 middle school cafeteria!"

Local policial official Sheriff Rascal T. Coaltruck was heard shouting "Jesus H. Mary and Joseph, the President is eating all of the turkeys, and he's letting the wolves go to slaughter." This and other similar statements by drugged out college students visiting from nearby University of Texas in Austin seem to describe a local temporal craziness.

Located just outside of Crawford is the Presidential Palace no. 45, the Bush Ranch, and it is here in the White House of the West where President George "Hump Willie" Bush is currently celebrating Thanksgiving with his two offspring seed who have recently turned 23. There have been no official reports of slaughter by wolves, but deputy White House press secretary Claire Buchan released this unofficial statement by satellite cellular phone in the past hour, "Gobbley de gobble oh gobble gobble dee, I see a wolf there up in that tree. Is it paul wolfowitz up in that tree? Gobble oh gobble oh gobble gobble me!"

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