Friday, December 17, 2004

Restroom Games

Let me answer two obvious questions before I begin this post:

1) Despite the title, this post is not about Rick Santorum coming to terms with his blantently latent homosexuality, and
2) Yes, when we're not skewering the Bushies we pretty much fall back on poo poo jokes.

Here are some suggestions for making your next trip to the restroom a little extra special.

Things to say to the person in the next stall:

* Could you give me hand in here, I think I've exceeded the capacity of my recepticle?

* Do you have a camera handy? This one looks just like Henry Kissinger.

* If you even think about crapping while I'm still here, I will crawl under this stall and rub your nose in it

* I love your socks. No, I mean it. I really love your socks. They make me feel all funny inside.

* Hey, sorry about the toilet seat in there. I ran out of Lysol. If you get a rash rub a little butter on it. I learned that trick in prison. Wanna' hear about other prison tricks?

* What's that horrible smell...
... Are you from Austin, Texas?
... Are you a cannibal?
... Is Karl Rove in there with you?

* I can't finish this sandwich, do you want some?

* I hope you'll join me next time. I haven't had this much fun since I was first toilet trained. Ah, eighth grade -- good times.

* Damn you Liza Minelli. Damn you to Hell.

Men Only: things to say at the urinal:

* Hello Seabiscuit, Daddy's missed you.

* Does my pee pee smell funny to you?

* I haven't passed a stone that big since since I hiked Monument Valley.

Women Only:

* Wanna' trade pantyhose?

* In your huskiest voice, say, "I think I'm in the wrong bathroom."

* I know it smells like Austin, Texas in here, but it's just my new perfume, Channel Number Two.


Blogger Mitch said...


"I haven't passed a stone that big since since I hiked Monument Valley."

10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

turnerphelps you made me pee myself

whats you beef with Autsin Texas though except that it smells bad and the people there are rude and retarded

11:38 AM  
Blogger God of History said...

Just Remember -

City water is "treated" for a reason...

...somebody always lives upstream of the city's water supply.

And if that city is on the coast...lots of people live upstream!

Flush twice - it's a long way to Houston, New York, Miami, San Diego, Los Angeles, Oakland & San Fran, and don't forget Seattle - home of the best coffee in the business.

8:40 AM  
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8:05 PM  

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