Tuesday, July 06, 2004

An Open Letter to Ingvar Kamprad

Dear Ingvar Kamprad:

First, I'd like to thank you for founding Ikea. I used to be able to buy crappy furniture before, but now I can buy crappy furniture that looks really cool.

I understand that selling crappy furniture is very profitable and that your net worth hovers in the neighborhood of $18.5 billion. That's a big pile of money, which has inspired me to build my own furniture. I've made many wonderful designs, such as the Poodle Hair dish-drainer, a giant bean bag that looks like a testicle (you pretty much have to buy two, which I think is pure marketing genius), and my favorite, the nightstand/pudding dispenser. Unfortunately, building furniture is like, really, really hard. I got as far as shaving a poodle and buying some pudding and then I kind of got stuck.

Then an even better idea hit me. You've got $18.5b, you're already making furniture, can you just give me some money? At six percent, you probably make at least $1b every year in interest, so I was wondering if I could have $12.72 million this year, and then $4.38 million each year after that? The designs for the poodle hair dish drainer and the testicle bean bag are yours to keep, but I'd like to hang onto the nightstand/pudding dispenser, since I've already bought the pudding.

I've considered changing my name to Purvis Kamprad III (that is, if there are already two older Purvis Kamprad's in the family). I also plan to move in with you and your wife and kids in Lausanne, Switzerland -- I hope you're not allergic to lemur droppings.

Let me know when my room is ready.


Purvis Kamprad III


Blogger Mitch said...

Dear Purvis,

Would you be so kind as to burn this letter after your reviewal. I must impress upon you the most secrecy in this contact, as is commonplace with a person of my standing. In fact, just before writing you this message, I had to light my poop on fire, then throw the ashes into an industrail shredder.

Are you seated, do you have a glass of water, for what I am about to relate to you will certainly shock you and perhaps cause mild to severe palpitations in your blood circulation. Ready?

I am in fact an alien from the planet ikea. The ikeans have for many generations been spreading our ideas about furniture design throughout the earth. Having read your ideas about the poodle hair dish-drainer, testicle beanbag pair, and nightstand/pudding dispenser, I knew I could trust your confidence in receiving this rare bit of knowledge.

However, I must warn you, not all ikeans are as understanding as I. As I speak, a secret faction is moving to covertly patent YOUR designs. Ludicrous are the vowels and consonants you must be echoing to yourself in your human brain.

Move with haste Purvis. The future of furniture design is at stake!

Very Despondantly,

Ingvar Kamprad

p.s. What up with greece winning the world cup? Seriously. That is whack.

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like crappy furniture!

8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's no fun sitting on your testicles. Maybe you could make a bean bag that looked like Dick Cheney's head.

10:25 PM  

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