What Kind of Conservative Are You?

The GOP is being torn apart from within by two main groups of conservatives who are philosophically opposed: social conservatives and free-market (Libertarian) conservatives. How can you tell them apart? Do you suspect you may be a conservative but don’t know which one you are? Here’s a litmus test on various topics:

Guns
Social Conservative: I use an AK-47 for the gentlemen’s sport of hunting -- Viva Ted Nugent.
Free-Market Conservative: I should be able to build my own nuclear warhead if I want – now give me back my tank.

Sex
SC: Never really liked it and neither should anyone else.
F-MC: Thursday night, bring two men, a woman dressed in an “I Dream of Jeannie” costume, poodles and peanut butter.

Death
SC: I’m for it when it comes to minorities on death row, victims of aids and starving pre-industrial types. I’m against it if is an eight-celled pre-human.
F-MC: Hey man, what consenting adults do when answering an internet ad is their business, even if one of you eats his schnitzel.

Money
SC: I have it, you don’t and I always want more. (Why? See answer under “Sex.”)
F-MC: My pedestrian and totally incorrect understanding of the theories of Darwin and Milton Friedman (all third hand, because I don’t really read that much although I consider myself quite an intellectual) has led me to the conclusion that survival of the fittest means that if a few poor mothers with children starve because they can’t find a job in our fictional free market it’s their own fault.

John Kerry
SC: A flip-flopper with fabulous hair.
F-MC: A freedom-hating communist.

George Bush
SC: The leader of God’s chosen people (because we all know, God hates gay people)
F-MC: A communistic freedom-hater.

Alec Baldwin
SC: Loved “The Hunt for Red October.” Hate his politics.
F-MC: A hedonistic hater of freedom, commie bastard.

Ronald Reagan
SC: If he were still alive, I’d lick his [CENSORED TO PROTECT FAMILY VALUES] – Oh what the hell, dig him up and bend him the [CENSORED] over, that sexy [CENSORED] zombie.
F-MC: Tax and spend liberal.