Wednesday, July 14, 2004

What Kind of Conservative Are You?

The GOP is being torn apart from within by two main groups of conservatives who are philosophically opposed: social conservatives and free-market (Libertarian) conservatives. How can you tell them apart? Do you suspect you may be a conservative but don’t know which one you are? Here’s a litmus test on various topics:

Guns
Social Conservative: I use an AK-47 for the gentlemen’s sport of hunting -- Viva Ted Nugent.
Free-Market Conservative: I should be able to build my own nuclear warhead if I want – now give me back my tank.

Sex

SC: Never really liked it and neither should anyone else.
F-MC: Thursday night, bring two men, a woman dressed in an “I Dream of Jeannie” costume, poodles and peanut butter.

Death

SC: I’m for it when it comes to minorities on death row, victims of aids and starving pre-industrial types. I’m against it if is an eight-celled pre-human.
F-MC: Hey man, what consenting adults do when answering an internet ad is their business, even if one of you eats his schnitzel.

Money
SC: I have it, you don’t and I always want more. (Why? See answer under “Sex.”)
F-MC: My pedestrian and totally incorrect understanding of the theories of Darwin and Milton Friedman (all third hand, because I don’t really read that much although I consider myself quite an intellectual) has led me to the conclusion that survival of the fittest means that if a few poor mothers with children starve because they can’t find a job in our fictional free market it’s their own fault.

John Kerry
SC: A flip-flopper with fabulous hair.
F-MC: A freedom-hating communist.

George Bush
SC: The leader of God’s chosen people (because we all know, God hates gay people)
F-MC: A communistic freedom-hater.

Alec Baldwin
SC: Loved “The Hunt for Red October.” Hate his politics.
F-MC: A hedonistic hater of freedom, commie bastard.

Ronald Reagan
SC: If he were still alive, I’d lick his [CENSORED TO PROTECT FAMILY VALUES] – Oh what the hell, dig him up and bend him the [CENSORED] over, that sexy [CENSORED] zombie.
F-MC: Tax and spend liberal.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Views on Rush Limbaugh:
Social C: should be sainted, poor persecuted devil.
Free MarketC: If I want to get fat and blow my brain cells on oxycotin it's my own business.

1:00 PM  
Blogger God of History said...

With the exception of Money and George Bush, I'm mostly fall into the FM-C catagory.

And Matt, you can't possibly be a Republican. You don't even know what the word means. Probably because you don't actually read books, you just skim the pages looking for the photos. You probably won't find anything interesting in Clinton's "My Life" so you should renew your subscription to "Hustler."

11:57 AM  

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