Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Elvira, oh Elvira: Bush in Oak Ridge

In a speech yesterday in Oak Ridge, Tennessee First Monkey Bush tried to explain why he still clings desperately to the delusional belief that he's made America safer by invading a country 300 times smaller than the United States. I wasn't there, because of my restraining order involving the Oak Ridge Boys and a certain Tennessee stalker law, but here is how the speech should have read:

People of America (long pause for a doltish blank stare), polls indicate that most of you think I was lying about WMDs in Iraq and have dragged the country into an unnecessary war involving the death of over 1,000 innocents. I can tell you that this is contrary to our intelligence leading up to the war. In fact many people, including the Vice President and Condi Rice said that my so-called “war against terrorism” was supposed to be an easy sell on the campaign trail, and is an important plank of my re-election effort, when in fact it has led to my lowest approval ratings in my three years in office. This was clearly a failure of intelligence.

While hell-bent on Iraq from the first day of my presidency, I accidentally allowed North Korea to become more of a threat. I thought Kim Jong-Il was one of those urban graffiti artists, again a failure of the CIA to properly inform this administration. Oopsie. I thought that all there was to national security was giving moving speeches about patriotism and foreign interests. It worked for Reagan, but unfortunately I’m just not that charismatic. I’m also very, very stupid and poorly groomed. Sorry ‘bout that.

So instead, I’d like to change the rationale for going to war with Iraq. I know the war is almost over, and everything, but I’d like a re-do with baby bouncies, please. I know I told you that the reason for going to war with Iraq was that they had WMDs and clear ties to Al Qaeda. Nope. What I meant to say was that they had the potential to create WMDs at some point in the future and some very big, ugly neck ties from Al Sharpton’s goodwill pile. I mean, if there actually were WMDs – which we know is a big fat lie – where are they now? That sure doesn’t make me feel safe. Let’s instead pretend that Iraq had the theoretical ability to create WMDs before the year 2100.

I’d like to remind you that this coming election has nothing to do with Iraq or WMDs. That is water under the bridge. This election is about gay marriage. Gays who marry have the potential to rob liquor stores under cover of nightfall and we must take preventative action against such terror. I’d also like to ask John Kerry what he’s trying to hide under that fabulous hair of his. That hair has the potential to catch on fire and burn down the White House, and no patriotic American wants to see that.


Blogger Mitch said...

My 80-year old neighbor has a son who is divorcing Elvira's sister.

BOOYAAA, can you beat that. WOOOO!

oh no, i just shat myself. drats. drats to the 9th power, drats.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Phelps said...

I love the fact that our audience base (dare I say "Fan Base?") is comprised of the kind of guy who spends his day reading blogs and soiling his pants. Makes me warm all over... OK, not ALL over, just warm between my chair cushion and my cheeks.

7:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm soiling myself right now.

4:40 PM  
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7:36 AM  

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