Dick Cheney’s Humor Manual

Turns out the Veep is a very funny guy, somewhere between Fred Travelina and Carrot Top. Here are his top comedy tips.

Memo
From: Dick Cheney
To: Anyone on my staff who isn’t funny (ha ha ha)

Use the Right Words
The right choice of words is key. Suppose you wanted to say, “pardon me, I think you’re making incorrect statements about me.” That’s not funny. Instead, try “go fuck yourself.” See what I did there? Just the right choice of words can be funny.

Work with a Monkey
This is self explanatory. Plus, the monkey always makes you look smart and handsome.

Plumbers Are Always Funny
Sometimes you’re stuck for something funny to say. Try a plumber joke like: A fucking plumber came over to my house with his fucking ass crack hanging out and I told him to go fuck himself before I send the fucking IRS over to investigate his tax filings for the last seven fucking years. I cry with laughter just thinking about it.

Repetition
I learned this from watching Mike Myers. He’ll repeat a joke until it’s not funny anymore and then suddenly, on the eighteenth repetition, it becomes funny again. For instance, I keep saying that Saddam had WMDs and ties to Al Qaeda even after the recent Senate report shows I’m full of crap. I think that’s hilarious. Joke’s on you, now go fuck yourselves.

Be Careful with Inside Jokes
Notice I never say things in public like, “hey, how many Hummers will it take to spend all my Haliburton cash? 4,285!” Or, “George pooped himself again, can I get a wet wipe?” I don’t say those in public because people outside of this administration won’t understand the references to real-life events.

Comic Irony
Comic irony occurs when what you say is the exact opposite of the intended or expected content of your message. For example, Republicans keep pushing an act design to limit freedom in a very un-American way and yet we've called it the Patriot Act. See what we did there? That's funny stuff.

Never Work Blue
Foul language is never appropriate and it only gets you cheap laughs. Remember we’re representing the President and the United States of America. Don’t say words like “penis,” or “lesbo,” or “shit heel,” when a simple “go fuck yourself,” would suffice.