Headlines 07/22/04

9/11 Panel Suggests Intelligence Overhaul

White house dumbfounded by finding. Wonders where they will find additional intelligence.

AT&T Retreats from Residential Market

Residentials lower their pitchforks and torches in hesitant celebration.

Coors and Molson to Merge in $6B Deal

The two North American beer manufacturers promise to make the weakest, crappiest beer ever!

Lance Armstrong Wins 17th Stage of Tour de France

Credits success on gazelle testicles he had implanted after last round of chemo.

Stephen Hawking Releases New Theory on Black Holes

Claims what they do is a victimless crime, but blames them for causing traffic jams in London's west end, and costing "way  too  much.  Oh,  wait,  you were  asking  about  black  holes... I  thought  you  said  ho's."

U.S. Military Death Toll Hits 900 in Iraq

White house dumbfounded by numbers. Wonders where they will find additional trumpeteers to play Taps overtime at national cemetaries.