Cancer Cured!

In an effort to help those searching for a cure for breast cancer, President Bush surprised the medical community in January by dedicating an "emergency" grant of 4.5 billion dollars to the National Cancer Research Organization, a network of thousands of practical and academic researchers in hundreds of countries. In just two months, the NCRO developed a treatment that in effect cures all types of cancer, including breast, cervical, child onset leukemia, prostate, basil cell carcinoma, and others. The sweeping breakthrough, considered by some to be accidental but due largely to the immense resources suddenly provided to the NCRO by the Bush administration, has made the specter of cancer a thing of the past.

No Teacher Left Behind

Public school administrators across the country are praising President Bush for a special dispensation he signed February 1, giving every public school teacher in America's elementary and secondary schools a $1500 pay bonus. Since the $4.5 billion bonus is earmarked as tax-free, it is the equivalent of all 3 million teachers receiving a $2000 bonus from their respective school districts, roughly 10% of the average teacher's salary. Attached to the bill was a note of thanks from the President. Furthermore, he promised to repeat the bonus later this year, hinting at the Fall by saying with a wink that it would help them buy more Christmas presents.

Developing Story

After five years of listening to experts on illegal immigration, President Bush approached the Mexican government this March to intiate a plan to boost the industrial and agricultural economy of our neighbor to the south. Titled LIDR (pronounced liter) La Iniciativa de Renacimiento, or The Renaissance Initiative, will be the largest investment ever by the United States in the economic well-being of Mexico. The flat-cash donation of $4.5 billion will be used exclusively for creating seven industrial complexes in three of Mexico's northern states, dedicated to higher education, international manufacturing and high-tech support. The initiative will allow Mexico to compete with India, Taiwan, and South Korea in all of these business and higher learning areas and will significantly stem the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico, perhaps even driving some Americans to migrate southward with the promise of high paying, cutting edge jobs. President Bush has appointed former political rivals Al Gore and John McCain to head a blue-ribbon bi-partisan oversight committee to make sure none of the investment is lost to graft or corruption, and to guarantee the Mexican government that 99% of all contracts are awarded to Mexican companies and 98% of all the jobs created by LIDR are filled by Mexican citizens. Analysts predict that over the next 5 years, Mexico's economy could inch its way into the top ten in the world, and that the positive effects would spread down into Central and South America in less than two decades.

Honorary Preparations

In Stockholm, Sweden, three 2006 Nobel Peace Prizes for medicine, chemistry, and international economics have already been reserved for President Bush and will be co-awarded to him and the scientists who participated in the landmark cancer cure discovery, as well as his singular work to advance the well-being of Mexico's economy. "Two hundred years from now, one man and one man only will be credited with advancing our civilization as we know it to the next level," said esteemed cancer researcher Dr. Elliott Vanderflank of the Institut Curie, Paris, "and that man will be George Walker Bush."
Though the nominees and recipients for Nobel prizes are not typically announced or awarded until just weeks before the ceremony, the administrators of the foundation said that in these categories, there is no question who the recipients will be. "The President is a shoe-in," one judge professed, on condition of anonymity.

TURNER / PHELPS CORRECTION:
Amendments to several facts in the above article are as follows:

• The $4.5 billion spent on cancer research in January, was actually spent on the war in Iraq. No cure found.
• All 3 million public school teachers in the U.S. did not receive a $1500 tax-free bonus in February for a job well done. The money was spent on the war in Iraq.
• The LIDR initiative's $4.5 billion investment was not implemented in March to establish a thriving job market in Mexico which would all but stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the U.S. Instead, the money was spent on the war in Iraq.
• As for the Nobel Foundation's plans to give President Bush a peace prize, take a guess.