Don't F*@K With Bush

Jesus punished Iran this week with rain and severe earthquakes for not showing due respect to his chosen country, the United States of America and his favorite president, George Bush. In what His press secretary called, "a visitation of divine ass-kicking," the Savior opened the heavens and shook the firmament, killing over sixty people, in response to Iran's refusal to stop uranium enrichment, an act the Bush administration asserts to be an attempt to build nuclear weapons.

"Jesus!" Jesus said during an appearance on Larry King Live, Friday, "I didn't throw Satan out of heaven in 1914 so I could deal with this crap, now. Hasn't everyone figured out that I stand behind the U.S. and it's politicians? Has no one read the bumper sticker on the back of my Escalade? It says, 'God Bless America.' It doesn't say anything about Iran."

Larry asked Christ if killing sixty people was in line with his policy of being a merciful, loving God.

"Of course I love the world, Larry. Like the song says, I love all the little children. But Iran has been a thorn in my forehead since the Seventies. What can I say? I'm fed up. I'm fed up with their attitude, their arrogance, and the way they constantly test my patience when it comes to cow-towing to U.S. policy. If they don't straighten up soon, I'm going to reach down deep into my bag of tricks and show them a little retribution we call 'Old School' smiting. Next time it won't be a few earthquakes or breaking a levee for partying too much. If they don't start playing by my rules, I'm going to open a whole can of Old Testament whoop ass on their sorry little country."