Friday, August 04, 2006

An Open Letter to the Makers of the George Foreman Grill

Dear Lifetime Brands Executives:

Your recent acquisition of Salton, Inc. prompted me to write to you. I approached Salton regarding their George Foreman grill while they faced delisting from the NYSE. Their market cap plummeted to $75 million for one reason and one reason only: everyone in America already owns a George Foreman Grill.

I, being an aforementioned American, also own a GFG. Aside from the fact that the grill really doesn’t resemble George Foreman in the slightest -- my grill is small and white and lacks a sense of humor -- I have few complaints. I pitched an idea to Salton to save them from their revenue troubles, but they ignored me. Maybe you will heed my valuable advice rather than face certain peril. Or you could focus on selling a lot of cool Cuisinarts, but either way I have an idea for your GFG line.

Instead of releasing new grills every two weeks – the George Foreman griddle, the George Foreman Hungry Man Grill, the George Foreman Grill with tortilla-warmer and egg-fryer come to mind – you should concentrate on brand extending add-on products. You sell a razor only once, but if you can keep selling razor blades… I forget how the rest of how that saying goes, but it has something to do with an angry bearded minority. You don’t want an angry bearded minority charging your castle with torches, do you? (Full editorial disclosure: Phelps often wears a beard with a very angry look in his eyes).

So here’s my bold idea: George Foreman Meat Cookies.

George Foreman Meat Cookies would be cute circles of ground beef, frozen and ready to pop on the grill. I would suggest putting them between two buns with lots of ketchup (preferably Fancy), mustard, onions, pickles and more. Perhaps you could even sell a George Foreman Pickle Fork, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

My wife has told me several times, “you jackass, you’re talking about a hamburger -- aren't you late for your AA meeting?” But I don’t think a hamburger has the same pizzazz that a meat cookie does, particularly not a George Foreman Meat Cookie. Why not just call it George Foreman Meat? I think it would be confusing to the cannibals in your target niche (not to mention the angry bearded minority).

I’m not asking for royalties, but I would be interested in a lifetime supply of meat cookies. And a $3 million dollar honorarium. Otherwise, this idea is yours for the taking – my little contribution to making the world a better place.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a lunatic

4:52 PM  

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