Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hell Prepares New Level for JonBenet's Killer

"Ve vill have zee sex vit him, zen ve vill keel him," the Consular Spokesman for Hades stated today, doing a poor imitation of Seargent Schulz during his universal announcement that Hell has decided to construct a new level just for JonBenet Ramsey's confessed rapist/killer, John Mark Karr.

"When I say we will have sex with him, I mean all of us, the hoary hosts, the entire population of the underworld," the spkoesman clarified. "Each of us will get to use our imagination in the manner in which we have sex with him as well as the instrument and method of his demise. After which, we will bring him back to life and let the next one in line have a go at him. For example, Golbar Pusboil the Vicious has already called dibs on transforming into a twelve-hundred pound water buffalo and having sex with Mr. Karr in an asphalt parking lot. If the sex doesn't kill him, Golbar gets to trample him to death on a pile of broken glass. You should see some of the ideas our folks are coming up with for this guy. It almost rivals what we've got in store for Carrot Top."

Level Three and five-eighths, the new level of Hell devoted to Karr's torture, is actually a sub-level that will house other remorseless child killers. "He doesn't deserve his own plane of eternal suffering, like Hitler or Aaron Spelling," the spokesman noted, "but he prompted us to re-evaluate our current structure and to add this ranch-style layer for his ilk."

When asked when the new construction will be ready, the spokesman said, "Oh, it will be ready. Our sources tell us Mr. Karr is currently battling with HIV he contracted in Thailand. That news prompted him to turn himself in so he could get free treatment in the Colorado prison system, which means he'll live a long time."

"Barring any unforeseen event, like a fellow inmate bludgeoning him to death at eleven PM on May 12, 2007, just after lights-out, we think we have enough time to prepare this new level. It's not like we're building Disneyland, you know," the diabolical spokesman joked, "but it is going to be more fun."


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