Are You a True American, or Some Sort of Pinko Commie Liberal?

Not sure if you’re a true American or not? Take our quiz:

T or F: Supporting our military means putting our young sons and daughters in harm’s way, cutting veterans’ benefits, avoiding the draft by joining the National Guard and hanging up yellow ribbons. If you answered “True,” you’re a good American. If you answered “False,” you’re an unpatriotic liberal.

T or F: Loving another human being so much that you commit your life to them is your definition of moral corruption if that other person happens to be of the same sex. If you answered “True,” you’re a God-fearing patriot. If you answered “False,” you’re a pinko commie liberal who hates America.

T or F: Addiction to chemical substances is a crime greater than any other, unless you’re Rush Limbaugh and then it’s understandable because you are under constant attack from liberal wackos and just need to release some steam every once in a while with a little hillbilly heroin. If you answered “True,” you know what’s best for the country, and are thus, a good Republican. If you answered “False,” you’re probably an evil homosexual terrorist seeking to conduct germ warfare.

T or F: The Bill of Rights is a radical left-wing conspiracy, with the exception of the second amendment, because everyone knows that my little handgun is all that’s saving our democracy from totalitarianism. If you answered “True,” you are a concerned sportsman and you also fancy yourself a bit of an intellectual. If you answered “False,” you’re a wimpy vegetarian scoundrel trying to bring about the Apocalypse.

Follow up question. T or F: Since the ACLU’s sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, they must be a dangerous organization. If you answered “True,” you should be a Supreme Court Justice, or at least a federal circuit judge. If you answered “False,” you’re a pinko communist liberal wacko feminist homosexual terrorist atheist destroyer of all that is pure and good. And you probably listen to Wilco or the Beastie Boys, you freakin’ weirdo.

T or F: Big government is depraved if it supports unemployed mothers and their children, but necessary if it lines the pockets of energy companies like Haliburton. If you answered “True,” congratulations on the recent sale of your stock options. If you answered “False,” get a job, you lazy bloodsucker.

T or F: The central message of Jesus Christ was to enforce the power of the majority against the minority. If you answered “True,” you know you’re Bible inside out, and God will reward you with eternal happiness. If you answered “False,” you must be some sort of leftie Satanist dressed in a pink vinyl jumpsuit looking for babies to eat.

T or F: Teenagers never have sex until they learn what a condom is. If you answered “True,” you support traditional family values and have a deep understanding of human biology. If you answered “False,” you’ve confused family values with wanting to keep your children in school without having to support unwanted children. And people have found you sexually attractive at some point in your life, so the entire Republican party is insanely jealous of you and your loose morals.

T or F: Lying about weapons of mass destruction is perfectly acceptable; lying about oral sex is impeachable. If you answered “True,” you have America’s best interest at heart, screw the rest of the planet. If you answered “False,” you must be some sort of crack-smoking hedonist.

T or F: Women can’t really be trusted, especially with choices that regard their own bodies. In fact, it would be better if they weren’t allowed to vote. If you answered “True,” you understand the true intentions of our founding fathers. If you answered “False,” you’re either some sort of rabid feminist lesbian, or you’ve had your testicles amputated, you pinko commie terrorist.

T or F: The Bible doesn’t mention global warming, therefore, it is a big fat lie promoted by liberal scientists. If you answered “True,” you can’t be fooled by leftie conspiracy theories. If you answered “False,” you’re a loud-mouthed boor, who has no manners because you won’t shut up about how “irresponsible,” we’re being with our “children’s future,” And you’re an unpatriotic Godless wimp. And you probably own a poodle, or a cat, or some other sissy pet.

T or F: If you really love America and Americans, you will support sending all of our tech jobs overseas. If you answered “True,” you have a deep, intellectual understanding of the economy. If you answered “False,” you think that there are more important issues than economic efficiency (like a high standard of living or maintaining human dignity for your fellow Americans) and thus you are an ignorant socialist who should be used for research into new torture interrogation techniques.