Thursday, June 17, 2004

I'm Your Superman

Dear Neal Moritz and Gilbert Adler:

It has come to my attention that you are planning to revive the Superman legend on the "big screen," and are seeking someone to play the title role. I understand that Josh Hartnett and Jude Law have turned you down, but whatever their reasons are (and I'm just guessing here) I want you to understand that I have no problems with producers who lack good grooming, hygiene and ettiquette. Besides, that Jude Law guy has an English accent and would make a much better Green Arrow. I also know many ways to prepare meats that don't involve boiling, which is another reason that you should go with a real American (pick me!) and not a Brit.

It's true I am relatively unknown, and frankly inexperienced in your Hollywood ways (although I do frequent Alec Baldwin's web site from time to time). I have in fact acted in a few films, most recently in the role of "The Devil," in Jimmy Hits the Big Time. While my screen time only amounted to about five seconds, many people who watched it immediately said, "hey, look, that guy is supposed to be the devil," and I think I can bring that sort of "star power" to your movie as Superman.

Here are some reasons I should be your Superman:

* When I get the paper in the morning, and I'm wearing my Superman Underoos, the neighbor kids often stop, honk their horns and yell, "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a total jackass, it's Superman."

* I'm up on my Nietzche.

* I was probed by Republican Space Aliens, so prancing around in tights and a cape is no big deal.

* My hair is blue.

* I'm from the planet Krypton (no, really, I swear, I'll show you a funny birthmark that will prove it).

* I love soup.

Questions remain:

1) How much will I be paid? I think $35 million per movie is what someone of my obvious talents should command, but I'm open to higher amounts as well.

2) Is Superman the title role? I was once approached to play the role of "Guy in Line #3," and the producers failed to explain it wasn't the title role and I was very embarrassed when I invited my entire family to the premiere and you couldn't even see my face in the one shot I was in. I think if I'm going to the trouble of putting on red and blue tights and generally making an ass of myself, the movie should be about me and not about a gang of bikini-clad bank robbers, just FYI.

3) This Superman thing doesn't involve an appearance at a supermarket parking lot or a pizza joint, does it? I got beat up by a bunch of teenagers last year when I dressed up as Spiderman for the grand opening of a local bookstore. The owners had to call an ambulance. I'm fine (except I inexplicably smell onions every so often), but imagine how all those little kids at the bookstore felt when they saw me, their hero, Spiderman, get kicked repeatedly in the testicles until he was carted off on a stretcher.



PS: I can't wait to help out with the casting of Lois Lane, unless Bea Arthur is one of the candidates (problems with my restraining order).


Blogger Jackie O said...

hey, at least you know christopher reeves is out of the picture!

hey, and if you think i'm being mean,

6:36 PM  

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