Thursday, June 17, 2004

I've Been Probed!

The God of History has a scoop for you: I've been probed! No, not by the Senate Appropriations committee or Matt Drudge or Bill "the Glitterati make me green with envy" O'Reilly, but by Republian Space Aliens. They beamed me to Bob Jones U and made me their be-yotch.

Here's a quote from his exlusive report:

I think Matt Turner is a Great Guy. He has a wonderful (if dry) sense of humor.

Unfortunately he was captured by Republican Space Aliens and taken to their ship where he underwent the usual battery of tests.

They checked his brain capacity. Monkeys who fling "poo" have a larger cranial capacity.

They measured his compassion. Hanoi Jane had more compassion for our POWs when she met them in Hanoi.

They found his common sense quotient to be lacking, then proceeded to probe him with the famous Silver Stallion.

Thats right folks, he was "PROBED." The Republican Space Aliens then returned him to his place of origin.

But they forgot to erase his memory!

Kind of explains his extremist anti-conservative, anti-republican, perspective on things.

Or don't you think so?

An amazingly accurate portrayal, it immediately threw me into the fetal position under my desk as I reeled from having to relive the experience. It's true, I was abducted and violated -- as was every American citizen-- by Republican Space Aliens, otherwise known as the Supreme Court, when they crowned George W. Bush. I couldn't sit down for a week and I still walk like John Wayne.

I can't complain -- if you think being probed was bad, you should see what they've done to the Constitution.


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