Thursday, June 10, 2004

Backstage Accident or Prison Scandal Cover-up?

We've all heard the story that Matthew Perry lost the tip of his right middle finger years ago when he slammed a stage door on it. But is that the truth, or just the spin the administration put on it? I think that missing fingertip potentially hides a darker, more nefarious series of events.

What I Think Happened to Matthew Perry's Missing Digit:

[A] Bitten off by dog in Abu Grahib, when Matthew was mistaken for a radical Shiite imam by intelligence officers and "detained" for a month during a USO tour of Iraq. Cellmate, third-world debt relief proponent and famous sunglasses wearer, Bono, describes the mutilation: "It was, like, the dog, man, was the metaphor for the starving masses in Central and South America, and Matty was representing the rich overbearing U.S. and U.K. presence, denying the dog debt relief and forcing his Hollywood and blue jeans way of life on the oppressed. So, rightly so, the oppressed dog rose up and bit off his self-righteous finger. Then the guards took pictures of us sodomizing each other. I don't remember much after that, but I think The Edge posted my bail. I woke up a few days later in Belgrade. It was a wild ride, man."

[B] Bitten off by a ravenous Courtney Cox-Arquette-Cox, during a lunch break while shooting a season six episode of "Friends." Witnesses say Cox-Arquette-Cox was delirious from days of binging and purging. David Schwimmer recounts, "She was delirious from days of binging and purging, and mistook Matt's finger for one of Wolfgang Puck's spicy sausage links. It was totally understandable. I would have done the same thing, just for a taste of Wolfgang's spicy sausage."

[C] Needed as part of the GOP's 2004 presidential running mate flesh golem. A leaked White House internal memo states: With the possibility of Dick Cheney dying and ascending to the dark throne of Hades, we must complete the automaton before All Hallows Eve, so that GW has a living, breathing running mate. Parts still needed include: 1) the spleen of a Protestant, 2) knees of the Gipper that won't buckle at press conferences -- requires a closed casket funeral, 3) the fingertip of a mediocre-but-popular actor, 4) the thick lustrous hair of a Latino -- but not too Latino...


Blogger Mitch said...

[D] In a failed and untelevised episode of Friends, matthew perry and matt leblanc get into some dangerous mischeif when "Joey" becomes a member of the Yakuza. Chandler gets caught up in this 'fiasco' when he needs Joey to get him some illegal painkillers. After becoming nervous and panicking that the local Yakuza boss, Jerry the fish-head, might be on to him, Joey gets Chandler to help him become an authentic Yakuza by chopping off his finger. Chandler, who is drunk and tweaked on illegal Vicodin, grabs the knife from Joey and yells "MY DOG IS FINE SIR!", and proceeds to cut off his middle finger.

While certainly one of the more interesting moments from the Friends analogy, what made this episode truly unique was the fact that this was to be Matt Leblanc's directorial debut, and that parts of the episode were unscripted and unrehearsed. Shortly afterwards, Friends returned with Chandler mysteriously getting sent to Tibet for several episodes where his fictitious character was undergoing spiritual healing to recover from his gay lover's separation.

1:51 PM  

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