How to Be Funny

Memo: Attention managers

Please disregard our previous memo asking you to reprimand employees who fraternize with other employees, tell jokes, or make sarcastic remarks. Research indicates that humor in the workplace significantly decreases the likelihood of an employee-initiated incident involving our top executives. With this in mind, please templatize the following guidelines into an implementation plan that your business unit is capable of integrating into your unique teamicity (utilizing Schedules A1 and F3 of your employee handbooks) while considering the feedback loop that exists within your direct reporting mechanism, including but not limited to status reporting, project meetings, team meetings, committee findings, PTA gatherings, and local neo-fascist pep rallies. I’d like to see some results by Friday.

1) Use funny words. The following is a list of words and phrases that everyone knows are funny. Try to work these into your conversations as often as possible: Fancy, Copernicus, jiggle, yabba-dabba-doo, wrinkly, possum, possum stew, dead possum stew, raw dead possum stew, hairy, groovy, Bob, bonk, wonk, winky, schnitzel, Episcopalian, underpants, tummy, loopy, wing-wang, cooties, liver, wart, fizzle, corduroy, Pleistocene, and banjo.

Warning: straying too far beyond the accepted list could result in an official reprimand. Reprimands are not funny.

2) Quote funny lines. Remember how funny it was the first, or maybe even second time you heard “Whazzup?” Remember how hard you laughed during your favorite funny movie? Remember how cool you looked playing air guitar at the Starship concert? Imagine how entertaining you'll be when you repeat funny lines to your coworkers. I personally never get tired of hearing “Whazzup,” yelled into my phone receiver.

Here's an example of how you can share your favorite funny moments from film and television: “Hey Bob, how's the fancy jiggle tummy? Remember when Leslie Neilson said in that gun movie of his, ‘Why don't you shoot yourself in the head three times if you mean yes,’ to the bad guy, and the bad guy's girlfriend said, ‘no, don't, it's a trick?’ That was really funny.” Then stand back and watch out—the ensuing laughter is contagious!

Suggestion: Famous lines are also funny. The next time you yell “Whazzup,” and someone asks you why you're so smart and funny, just say, "Elementary my dear Watson!" Hilarious.

3) Use props. One of the funniest men alive is Carrot Top. Rent his videos and memorize his "schtick" (that's Yiddish a word meaning style of humor—Yiddish words are funnier than English words). One of my favorite pranks is to ignore what someone is saying until they are completely annoyed. Then I turn around and wave a banana in their face and say, "What's that you say, corduroy plasticene banjo? I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!" He he he!

4) Have a 'tis-zy. Everyone has an uncle or dad or step-mom who thought it was funny to use old fashioned words like "Say madam, 'tis a fine and friendly day we're having. Top o' the mornin' to you and yours, and your hairy wonk winky." What could be more endearing?

5) Be a David. David's are funny. Think of David Letterman and David Spade. David's are sarcastic and too hip to take things seriously. You can be funny by mimicking Davids' tone, even if it's completely inappropriate. It's cool to look like you don't care about anything. Say things like, "Oh, that's great, 'cause you know, kids, it just ain't happenin', the lights are on, but Robert Redford is old and saggy, you know what I mean? Underpants!"

6) Show me the funny--show me the money. Because humor in the workplace increases productivity by decreasing days lost to homicidal mania, carry around a bunch of one-dollar bills to hand out to employees you catch in the act of being funny. Don't wait until they finish, though, or you will fail to invoke the all-important behavior modifying response pattern. Before he or she gets to the punch line, jump in with, "I hate to interrupt you loopy liver wart, but are you trying to be funny? Here, have a dollar." I think everyone can learn from this example.

Please implement this new policy ASAP and report back with your findings by Friday. Thank you, and enjoy the raw dead possum stew. It's Episcopalian.