Friday, June 18, 2004

Factor Flash Translation

Translations from the latest (June 17, 2004) Factor Flash email newsletter from Bill “talented people suck” O’Reilly

Factor Flash Dribble: Some of the press used the (9/11) Commission's report to suggest Bush mislead the public about Saddam and Al Qaeda. I do not believe that is true.
Translation: I have totally lost my grip on reality.

Factor Flash Dribble: The Factor is especially outraged by the New York Times' distortion of the honest work of the 9/11 Commission, and using it to bludgeon President Bush.
Translation: I am above logic and reason. I hate it when my doctor distorts my 250 cholesterol reading to imply my diet is dangerous, or when utilities company distorts my late payments and threatens to shut off my water, and especially when television viewers distort my performance to imply I am a no talent hack.

Factor Flash Dribble: The Factor is outraged at the chaos that apparently reigns within America's intelligence agencies, the very agencies charged with protecting the lives of all Americans. James Bamford, author of "A Pretext For War," said the concern is warranted, because al Qaeda is growing, while the CIA is shrinking. The Factor finds it ridiculous that politicians like Senators Biden and Kennedy are talking about "coercive interrogation," when in fact our security forces need to be relentless, now more than ever.
Translation: The Bush Administration is a miserable failure of leadership. The war in Iraq has only caused Al Queda to grow stronger, creating newer and newer threats to national security each day. We’ve broken international law using un-American techniques of torture and humiliation while hiding prisoners from the Red Cross. The situation has become so pathetic, I am forced to blame it on the two most infamous and uncharacteristic liberals I can think of.

Factor Flash Dribble: Bill Clinton is promoting his upcoming book, in which he supposedly bares all regarding Monica Lewinski. The former President admitted to "60 Minutes" that his dalliance with the intern was "morally indefensible." Fox News political analyst, and former Democratic consultant, Mary Anne Marsh told The Factor that Clinton is displaying honesty and genuine contrition. The Factor countered that, considering how frequently Clinton displayed similar behavior in the past, this "apology" rings hollow.
Translation: I’ve never had sex, but I think it must be much worse than cheating your way into the Oval Office, lying to get us into an unnecessary war and flinging poo.


Blogger God of History said...

I wonder if Paul Marshal Johnson's family would have approved of the use of torture if it would have prevented the separation of his head from his neck?

Since Ted Kennedy knows a thing or two about murder of innocents (particularly women) he'll probably say something publically about how the Bushies didn't do enough to save Johnson while privately lamenting the loss of a potential Democrat voter.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seeing as how Johnson worked for Lockheed Martin, one of the largest defense contractors in the world, I doubt he was anything less than a Republican. That aside, I think Saudi Arabia should have taken all the Al Qaeda prisoners that the kidnappers wanted released, and should have lined them up on top of a a building in Riyadh. Then, on nationwide Saudi television, they should have asked each one to say whether or not he thought the kidnappers were doing the right thing. Each prisoner who agreed with the kidnappers' objective would get a bullet in the head. Each one who pleaded for the kidnappers to release Mr. Johnson would get to go back to his jail cell.

11:53 PM  

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