No Cranberry for Mitch's Nonna

Editors' note: Thom was under the influence of cold medicine when writing this blog.
Three weeks ago, when Mitch was checking flights from the recently-proclaimed new country of Ski Colorado to the small town of Waco, Texas, he had no idea that Tom Ridge, Yahoo!, and his grandmother's Thanksgiving turkey would all be out to get him.

It started harmlessly enough with the Internet (doesn't it always?). Mitch sat at his computer, humming the refrain from "Over the River and Through the Woods" while he waited for Bill Shatner's disembodied head on priceline.com to tell him that his bid on a plane ticket was the winner. Bill was taking longer than usual, so Mitch opened another browser window and started playing with Yahoo! Map's driving directions. I had teased him previously that his trip to visit his Nonna during Thanksgiving was really just a ruse to give him an alibi while he slipped over to Crawford to see if he could sneak on The Ranch and catch a glimpse of the Bush twins skinny dipping in the stock pond. He had heard that the tabloids pay big money for photos of the Younger Bush bushes. Curiosity won out, and Mitch entered a starting point and a destination.

The starting point: Nonna's sleepy village of Lorena.
Destination: Crawford.

It was a short drive and he chuckled to himself that it would be fun to head over there on Friday just to take a photo of the front gate. Behind the scenes, though, past the silicone and diodes, the "Crawford" red flag had been raised by Yahoo! Maps which signalled the Homeland Security databases to compare the IP address of Mitch's computer with his political affiliations. It glided smoothly past the harmless "college ski club," "Italian American," "internet hacker," and "NAMBLA," but hit a snag by a recent addition to his homeland security file: "Turner/Phelps contributing editor."

When Mitch arrived at his Nonna's house on Thanksgiving morning, Tom Ridge and his SS team (Secret Service) were waiting for him. No sooner had he said "Ciao," to his aged grandmother, than they leapt out of her red tip photinia bushes and dragged him off to their secret interrogation safe house just outside of McGregor. After several hours of questioning, finger-printing, and full body cavity searches, the unmarked SS black van pulled up to Nonna's house and pushed a bewildered and sore Mitch out onto the front lawn.

While Mitch was in custody, his grandmother continued to cook the Thanksgiving feast, but had been so distraught that she forgot to turn the oven temperature from a balmy pie-baking 325 degrees, to the turkey-roasting 385. The resulting salmonella poisoning from undercooked poultry landed Mitch in Waco's Holy Sister's Hospital for the remainder of the weekend where he received heavy doses of antibiotics and a full reconstructive rectalectomy for the SS damage done to his rectum.

His ultra-liberal Summit County lawyers entered the fray Monday morning, and Tuesday morning, Tom Ridge announced his resignation.

The least we can do is thank Mitch for taking one for the team and give Tom a hearty, "Good-bye."

On a side note:

Check out the amount of time Yahoo! Maps says it will take to drive 29.3 miles. Don't they realize that this is Texas? Driving time in Texas is always one mile = one minute, if not less. Sheesh.

Thom's Map of North America

Ever since our invasion of Iraq, I've been formulating a map in my head of what a "new America" should look like, since the USA has obviously become too big for the greater good of the world.

It wouldn't be based on the results of the Presidential election, but instead on geography, economy, population centers, and my own impression of the various peoples of North America.

The entire area including the USA, Canada, and Mexico would be a collection of countries called the North American Union (NAU). And I think it would be better if we followed more of an EU model, where we use a single currency, but have controlled borders, different languages, cultures, and ideologies.



Canada remains Canada, except they get Alaska and Maine.
Picture Texas (excluding the Panhandle), Louisiana, and New Mexico as its own country, called Texas.
Everything east of Ohio and West Virginia and north of South Carolina, is Yorkonia.
Arkansas and everything east of the Mississippi River but south of North Carolina, is Florgia.
The mid-west states including Kentucky to the South, Ohio and West Virginia to the East, and Minnesota and Nebraska to the West, will be called Michasota.
North and South Dakota will be returned to the indigenous peoples of central North America, to be called whatever they want and exist as an "Indian nation." Until the Native Americans democratically select a new name for the region, they'll be called The Dakotas.
Nevada and Northern California would be a new country called Sonoma.
Southern California and Arizona would join to become Calizona.
Hawaii reverts to its original island kingdom, and Japanese will become the predominant language.
Washitana would include the rest of Wyoming, Montana, Washington, Idaho, and Oregon.
All of Colorado, east from Grand Junction will be its own country, called Ski Colorado (we would keep all of the best ski resorts, except Jackson Hole, Washitana).
This would leave two separate areas as relative no-man lands, namely Utah, which would become Mormonia, and Oklahoma, Kansas, and the Texas Panhandle, which would be combined into The Dust Bowl and used as an all-purpose landfill and nuclear waste dump for the rest of the NAU.
Grand Junction, Colorado and the rest of the "ugly" Western Slope will become the Gateway to Mormonia.

Crawford Citizen Crisis

Crawford Citizen Crisis
Juan Andrews
Waco, TX

Local residents in Crawford, Texas are shocked and embarrased by what has come to be known in current National news as the "Crawford Caged Coyote Cabal". Experts in nearby Waco, Texas, from the Animal Wizardry Department at Baylor University have been able to offer only a partial explanation of events so far.

Head science-monger Esteban Jones, considered to be the unofficial pointy-haired-official on the scene summed up events by wildly gesturing at the horizon and hopping up and down. Assistant science-monger Esmerelda Smith was quoted by local television reporter Ester Cooper as saying "Oh goodness, it appears that Esteban has received the coyote craziness and must now be shot." Unofficial reports, which have yet to be confirmed, say that Ms. Smith aimed a Supersoaker 250 model summer edition at Mr. Jones, and proceeded to douse him with a volume of mystery purple-red liquid equivelant to 2.5 pints of water. Local schoolchildren on holiday break exclaimed that the liquid was "purified cranberry sauce with a glazed almond extract and an overall palette indicative of that highly esteemed chef Cunningham in the District 14 middle school cafeteria!"

Local policial official Sheriff Rascal T. Coaltruck was heard shouting "Jesus H. Mary and Joseph, the President is eating all of the turkeys, and he's letting the wolves go to slaughter." This and other similar statements by drugged out college students visiting from nearby University of Texas in Austin seem to describe a local temporal craziness.

Located just outside of Crawford is the Presidential Palace no. 45, the Bush Ranch, and it is here in the White House of the West where President George "Hump Willie" Bush is currently celebrating Thanksgiving with his two offspring seed who have recently turned 23. There have been no official reports of slaughter by wolves, but deputy White House press secretary Claire Buchan released this unofficial statement by satellite cellular phone in the past hour, "Gobbley de gobble oh gobble gobble dee, I see a wolf there up in that tree. Is it paul wolfowitz up in that tree? Gobble oh gobble oh gobble gobble me!"

Bush Holds Wake for Turkey, no photos of casket allowed

Tomorrow, our brave and honorable President will hold a funeral service and wake for an American who gave his life for national security.

His country needed him, so Pfc Thom Turquee laid down his life so that the men and women who run this country (and think they run the rest of the world) would have sustainence and energy to continue the war on terror.

"He was a brave fellow," the President will remark, "I'll remember him fondly."

The wake will be held in the largest of the White House dining rooms, the Wm. H. Taft ballroom, with plenty of gravy and cornbread dressing to go around. After a short prayer and speaking in tongues by the President, the attendees of the dinner, to include the First Lady, Veep Dick Cheney and his wife, soon-to-be Secretary of State Condie Rice and guest, Ron Artest (who promises not to punch any bystanders), will watch Don Rumsfeld very slowly and deliberately carve Pfc Turquee until, as the Sec of Defence puts it, "he tells me everything I already know."

During the dessert, soon-to-be ex-Attorney General John Ashcroft will sing the praises of our fallen comrade Turquee, accompanied by the Neo-con Dancers: Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, Douglas Feith, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and the incomparable Bill Kristol.

*Pfc ~ Poultry, first class

Brawls without Balls

Another mob brawl at a nationally televised sporting event...
At least the kids weren't exposed to any nipples, or heaven forbid, a naked white woman seducing a black football player.

It's OK, according to the chairman of the FCC, for our children to see their sports idols bash each other's faces in on TV, as long as there is no sexual content in the melee. In fact, the sex on TV would be fine, too, according to Powell, as long as nobody complained.
(I think he's lying. He'd slap a fine on Herbal Essence for their ads of women having way too much fun shampooing their hair if Herbal Essence's parent company wasn't covertly funding his 2012 bid for the Presidency.)

For all of you parents out there worried about what your kids are being exposed to, I say, "Grow up and stop thinking your kids are such brainless push-overs."

When we were kids, we sneaked a peak at our older brother's copy of Hustler (or our father's copy of Playboy), we watched a few porno movies under the guise of having a sleep-over at a friend's house, our parents had subscriptions to National Geographic chocked full of naked aborigines, and we watched All in the Family, with plenty of sexual energy between Gloria and the Meat-head, and we didn't turn into sex-crazed rapists.

Well, some of us didn't.

Get in the Control Room

A quick note for those of you who like documentaries. Rent "Control Room," the film about Al Jazeera's coverage of the U.S. invasion of Iraq.

It's a moving depiction of how the U.S. is perceived by the Middle East. And not the fundamentalist, Islamist wackos, but insight from educated, moderate, objective journalists who happen to be working for the Qatar news network. An interesting look at the inside of this small news agency in a tiny country surrounded by the chaos of political and cultural struggle.

It reminded me of what a complete dick Donald Rumsfeld is, especially regarding foreign policy, and how he revels in manipulating the American psyche to his own devices.

No sympathy for the devil

Yesterday, after pulling into the parking lot for Wolf Creek Ski Resort, I and 8 other skier and snowboarders had to turn tail and head back early to Colorado Springs. This was because a 3 to 4-day storm was coming through the area, according to two Forest Service service representatives we consulted if, and that if we hadn't left by then, we'd be surely locked in to staying in Pagosa Springs for at least another day of two.

Since this difficult decision came to pass, the snow report at Wolf Creek shows they have accumulated 29" of fresh snow in the last 2 days since we left. According to reports from skiers leaving Saturday from Wolf Creek heading back to Colorado Springs, the roads were fine and the storm only lasted until late Saturday afternoon.

To the Forest Service personnel I spoke with during my brief encounter on Saturday morning, I have but only these few choice and gracious words to spare: F#$%#$ YOU!

You'll note that there are specifically 5 punctuation marks and 1 letter to replace the obscenity that would have otherwise been present. To aid you in guessing which obscenity was edited out, I offer some rap-induced suggestions: fizzle, fuzzle, fucuku, and fuzuck.

The U.S. Ski team will be practicing at Wolf Creek again this year from Nov. 28 to Dec. 8, and lift tickets are only $43 if you decide to enjoy some pre-season powder. But do yourself a favor, and look only to yourself for advice on whether or not to stay out a storm. Those evil green-uniformed morons from USFS probably look to an 8-ball prediction device for what to say to some innocent looking fool stupid enough to bother them with questions.

Here's to another ski season in Colorado!

Here's to Breckenridge, the most crowded ski resort in Summit County and the White River National Forest (according to the skier per acre per day statistic compiled by Forest Service, though since they're probably drunk with giddyness after deceiving yet another dumb out-of-towner, take this with a grain or even block of salt. Hell, for all I care, go to Utah, and run your tongue about 100 yards on the salt flats for all I care. You talked to Forest Service again didn't you! Well serves you right.)

Here's to Keystone, the most icey and rock-ridden piece of real estate next to Paris Hilton. Or Hillary Duff. Or Lindsey Lohan. Or Birdcage Spears. I wouldn't mount Paris Hilton with my 5-year old cheapo snowboard. Maybe Birdcage, but only if I get to build a rail across her fake rack. Oh man, I'll bet that the tabloids would love that picture.

Tabloid photographers interested in coordinating the birdcage rail o rackage can email me at ha_finks@whitehoser.com. For everyone else giving me a hard time about turning tail on a snowstorm leaving all that powder, I only have this to offer: F#$%#$ YOU

Bush Names Spellings for Education

GW Bush has named Margaret Spellings to replace Rod Paige as Secretary of Education. Bush said of his choice, "I mean, huh huh, her name is Spellings, so how perfect is that? I'm sure she's good at stuff like spellings and readings and mathematifications." When asked what her primary role will be in the Cabinet, other than refusing uber-repellant Karl Rove’s lecherous advances and leaving our children behind, Bush replied, "she will hunt down stupid peoples and bring them to justice."

Moment of (Overwhelming) Clinton Nostalgia

Finally the William Jefferson Clinton Library. Now the real Americans can pause a sec to reflect on how good we had it before we were overrun by insensitive, selfish, war-mongering chauvinists. Raise a Big Mac and fries in Bill's honor as you ponder:

* Why couldn't he have opened this sucker a month ago to help push Kerry over the top?

* Is the library big enough to contain more than one copy of Bill's mammoth 900,000 page autobio, "My Life," and are the plans for reforestation upon publication of the paperback?

* Will there be interactive exhibits? Testicular electrocution paddles so Republicans can finally "feel our pain," at least for a few moments? Giant Star Wars episode IV trash compactors to simulate the crushing shrinkage of consumer confidence in the post-Clinton era?

* Will it feature a cigar bar named, "The Blue Dress?"

* Will the truth about Whitewater finally come out -- if Clinton had acted as Ken Starr had suggested and started closing down S&Ls there would've been a run on banks that would've destroyed the Arkansas economy. And we all know that destroying economies is reserved for Republicans.

* Who will be the first on the exciting thrill ride, “Presidential IQ Rollercoaster?” After a quick dip between Kennedy and Johnson, the coaster climbs to dramatic heights with each successive administration only to run out of track on January 20, 2001.

Grilled Cheese Virgin

An exclusive T/P follow-up to Turner's note about the grilled cheese sandwich getting pulled off eBay after getting bids as high as $22,000.
Talk about a virgin with talent...

Setting Our Sites On Iran

What can a lame duck President do to keep the nation's mind off of domestic problems and the quagmire of death that is Iraq?

Start Another War!

That's right. The wheels are turning as Washington shifts its gaze from one mess to a potential other. Anonymous diplomats have surfaced to say that Iran is on the fast track to making uranium hexaflouride gas (a component for nuclear weapons) in the last few days before its treaty with France, Britain, Germany, and the EU to halt its nuclear program takes affect next week.

Can we in clear conscience let this diabolical member of the Bush-described Axis of Evil do such a heinous thing as produce hexaflouride gas? And who are these anonymous diplomats? Well, two years ago we would have called them reliable intelligence sources, but the Bush administration has given the word "intelligence" a black eye (in more ways than one).

It won't be long before GW and Rummy are telling us that Iran is an imminent threat to our security and that we have to preemptively attack them to protect our way of life.

Like a Virgin

Miracle Appearance by the Virgin Mary on a Ten-Year-Old Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

I only wish I had made that up. Someone is selling a grilled cheese sandwich on eBay (bids topped $28k before being pulled) that looks like the Blessed Virgin. But I'm here to tell you it's a hoax. It only looks "like a virgin." It's actually a picture of Madonna in her role as Eva Peron. And it's no miracle. It looks like it was poorly etched in with a Ronco Engrav-o-Matic.

An apocalyptic Rorschach test. What do you see in the moldy, buttery crust?

Bush, The Great Unificator

To show how excited they are about George W and his hawkish cronies getting another 4 years in the White House, Russia announced this week that they have developed a nuclear missile that can penetrate our missile defense shield.
An anonymous spokesperson for the President read the following statement while standing on a rickety milk crate near the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and Patriot Lane:

George W Bush is very excited about Russia's plan to resume the proliferation of nuclear weapons. If they build more missiles, we'll build more missiles. And that means more jobs for Americans. Hoseah in the highest!

I guess George is a uniter. He's putting the "mutual" back into "mutually assured destruction."

Powell Resigns, World Fails to Notice

Colin Powell has given his resignation as Secretary of State. Powell will be best remembered for reducing the role of Secretary of State to invisible whining.

“Oh, he was the Secretary of State?” asked a senior Bush aide on the condition of anonymity. “We all wondered what he did here. He just sort of wandered the halls mumbling to himself, ‘I should’ve been President.’ I thought he quit a year ago.”

Veep-Troll Dick Cheney had this to say about Powell: “I’ve never met the man. In four years of presiding over the Senate, I’ve never met him once.” When a reporter reminded Cheney that he and Powell had attended over 200 Cabinet meetings together, Cheney quickly retorted, “why are you jeopardizing the safety of this country by disclosing my weekly location?”

In Powell’s defense, no one actually explained the role of Secretary of State to him. According to the Constitution (that quaint, antiquated document that John Ashcroft wisely replaced with the Ten Commandments), the Secretary of State is the trustworthy guardian of our freedom, even to the point of accepting the resignation of the President should that become obviously necessary to more than 49% of the country. Instead, Powell thought his role was to kowtow to the Neo-con party line and discard his considerable integrity to support a war that violates international law and then grumble about it behind the scenes. Can you say “Flip-Flopper?”

Snowboarding Hustler

Good morning America and Greetings from Mitch your new contributing editor. Slave-drivers Turner and Phelps left the computer in the basement logged on the other day, so I haxxored my way into their interweb. Let me mention one thing first, if you are in Colorado Springs, could you please call 911 to 405 S Cascade Ave. They might have to use chainsaws to free me from the Turner|Phelps personal replica of Abu Ghraib. If you eventually see the pictures of me with the dog collar, you should know I wanted it that way. It's the only way to keep the fleas out of my hair. Some of the prison interns from Colorado College think I'm a fellow student on account of my smelly dreads and body odors, but I have to fling my feces at them so that they stop trying to give me herbal cigarettes. I ain't no hippy damn it.

Haha, just kidding, don't call the cops on 405 S Cascade. I think that's a strip club or a republican headquarters or something. Here's a taste of future topics I'll be covering:

* Reports from the Coalition of the Swilling, one revolutionary group driven to spike famous celebrities drinks with various psychosomatics and stimulants. You may have already seen Britney Spear's wigging out and marrying that turd Kevin Federpoop. That was them dude!
* Thoughts from a conservative college professor University of Colorado in Boulder, or, why don't any of these fly trick hoes want be turned out?
* Messages from Simon, a gang-banger with the mainframe shop down at the Hizzy to the Pizzy, the HP Infrastructure Lan Shop
* Mr. Etiquette's guide to dealing with post-election stress, including such ideas as, putting vodka in the coffee pot at AA meetings, hooking up with the chicks at the girl's home for eating disorders, and my personal favorite, dropping off letters to Miss Abby into the drop box at your local church.
* One French native man's quest to educate his peers on the traveste du le nomme de rigeur du pommes du frites. Cette Freedome Fries, Sacre Bleu!

Watashi wa biatches!

Diagnosis: VP's Shortness of Breath from too much Brimstone

WASHINGTON (AP) - Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a history of heart trouble, went to a hospital Saturday after experiencing shortness of breath. A pacemaker implanted in Cheney's chest three years ago indicated no irregularities during the past 90 days, said a spokeswoman for the vice president. The device gives doctors a three-month readout.

"His Unholiness needs to spend a little less time infusing himself with the sulfur and brimstone of his calamitous domain," one doctor dressed as a 14th century monk stated, "and he needs to lay off the honey roasted baby heads smothered in gravy. They're murder on the old cardiovascular system."

To prove that he was in tip-top shape and there was no need to worry about his visit to the hospital, VP Cheney did some tricks for the press and the crowd of cheering well-wishers. First he turned a fire hydrant into a toad-like imp and commanded it to dance around his cadre of secret service agents, then he levitated several inches off the ground and made smoke billow from his ears. As his car pulled away, he flashed his trademark firey pentagram on the palm of his hand and turned Al Franken into a blithering idiot.

Things I Learned from Scott Peterson

If I kill my wife...

1. I'll actually pretend like I'm worried about where she is.
2. I won't go on a buying spree for a new truck and new mattress.
3. I won't dye my hair and head to the border with a suitcase full of cash.
4. I'll make sure I have an alibi during the time of her disappearance.
5. I'll make sure there's no body to wash up on shore (can you say wood chipper and chum bucket?)
6. Correction, she won't disappear at all, she'll have a plausible accident.

Sheesh, the guy should get the death penalty just for being such a dumb ass.

RNC Credits Reagan with Arafat’s Death

The Republican National Committee released the following statement regarding Yasser Arafat’s death today:

As you know, and we refuse to stop telling you, it was Ronald Reagan’s ultraconservative war-mongering that brought down the Berlin Wall. Liberal sissies will tell you that Soviet-era totalitarianism was so amazingly inefficient that it was bound to collapse upon itself anyway. Nevertheless, we know that it was bombs, lots and lots of bombs, that brought down the Wall. Would that money have been better spent on food for young mothers or keeping an army of insane homeless people in mental institutions or even paving roads and developing technology? You betcha’. But we all felt better about ourselves by building lots and lots of bombs and threatening the world into imaginary submission. Isn’t that what being American is all about?

Unfortunately, few of you realize that Reagan’s hawkish megalomania also sent Yasser Arafat into a coma and ultimately to the grave. Who can forget Reagan’s immortal words from 2002, “Coma, Dogma, Palestine, Yasser.” It’s true that advanced Alzheimer’s reduced Reagan to inaudible, mumbled cryptic sayings, but the meaning is clear. Unless he was saying, “comb a dog with pudding, yes sir,” which is possible. But either way, who can deny that the power of those words sent Yasser Arafat into a coma only two years later?

Rhymes with Witch...

Get ready for a new voice on Turner/Phelps.

The voice of the younger generation. The voice of the hacker underground. The voice of the guys that girls consider "just friends" because they aren't a sexual threat and can program their cable box to get premium channels free, without asking to stay and watch.
When he's not flying down the slopes on his snowboard or developing new economic strategies for Pacific Rim corporations, he's adding his opinions to the Turner/Phelps blog.

Coming soon: Mitch.

Indie-Music.com Review Heppenstall's Parts That Hate Me

Edward get's a killer review from Indie Music. Here are some Highlights:

Indie-Music.com - Edward Heppenstall ~ Parts That Hate Me:

"There's a beat poet in Edward Heppenstall just scatting to get out. There's also a funkmeister in there somewhere, as well as a classical composer and a dramatic actor. Somehow, Heppenstall manages to incorporate the tastes of all of these extra souls on his debut CD without sounding cluttered. Getting them all
to agree on pizza toppings, on the other hand, must be a nightmare.

Scatting on a pizza, now that's something you can't miss!

"Parts That Hate Me is a very smooth, sometimes playful, sometimes intense rock
experiment, and I declare it a success...

Heppenstall bursts out of the speakers with 'For Love or Now,' starting with jangly guitar over creeping bass, and then bursting into jazzy, surreal pop/rock. The song sounds wild and frenzied. It's a thunderstorm of a rock song. That drama rises again and again throughout the CD, but Heppenstall keeps it from blowing right into pretentiousness territory...

The groove kicks in on 'Don't Take Me Down,' which I played twice because I wasn't done with my chair dance when it ended the first time. My favorite is the title track. I spent most of it trying to remember what band it reminded me of. Heppenstall may cringe to read this, but it's Spandau Ballet with a harder rock approach. I can hear Tony Hadley singing this song. The harmonies are gorgeous. This is radio gold. "

Tony Hadley eat your heart out. If you're lacking Haunakrismakwaa present ideas... go here and buy the CD.

New Abu Ghraib Torture: Forced Sex with Liza Minelli

"Keep it together, Minelli."

Silly stories this week in the fantastical world of American celebrity include:

LizaMinelli's ex-bodyguard is suing her for beating him and forcing him to have sex with her. (Albert Gonzales asks her lawyer for the naughty details to get more ideas for ways to torture enemy combatants.)

Bill Maher's ex-girlfriend is suing him for not following through on his promises and getting heavy handed at a party.
(Just like a Democrat.)

Burt Reynolds' ex-girlfriend is suing him for not buying her a house, and for stepping on her toes during an argument.
You can sue someone for stepping on your toes? The Bushes should use that precedent against Michael Moore.

I Came, I.Q., I Conquered

There's a really funny joke in here somewhere, but I can't find it. I'm sure it's here. Maybe it's scribbled on the back of this sheet of paper with the joke about three inbred hillbillies and their daddy's shotgun. Or maybe I filed it under "Special Olympics Soldiers vote for Bush." Or it could be on that index card with the heading, "Red is the dumber color."

I don't know where it is, but you can use your imagination and chuckle to yourself over a chart being passed around on the email circuit that shows that states with the highest average IQs voted for Kerry, while states with lower average IQs voted for Bush.

The average of the averages, you ask?
Kerry = 104 / Bush = 93

Source: http://chrisevans3d.com/files/iq.htm

Rumsfeld Predicts Low U.S. Losses in Fallujah

Here we are, three days into the seige on Fallujah, and our losses have reached at least 10 soldiers. We're not sure how many have actually been lost, since the pentagon won't release true figures because of the risk that the numbers of dead soldiers will somehow give strategic intelligence to the insurgents. Good job, general, that'll keep 'em in the dark.

10 dead in 3 days seems low to me, especially when we've grown accustomed to hearing about that many people being blown up in a single car bomb attack at a market on a normal, non-seige-waging day. Ask yourself, "Am I becoming desensitized to death tolls?"

Prior to the beginning of the seige, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld predicted that the losses would be low, though he didn't qualify that with what he considers "low" to be. (10? 100? 1,000?) And now, as the battle for Fallujah rages on and more of our soldiers fall, we should ask him directly, "At what point do low losses become moderate losses, Mr. Secretary? And what's the milestone for high losses? We've already sacrificed over 1,000 American soldiers in this crack-pot quest to bring freedom (as defined by George Bush) to the Middle East. Where do we draw the line? Or, is there no end to the number of soldiers you'll throw under this out-of-control locomotive to stop it?"

To help you make sense of the vagueness in Rumsfeld's brand of numerology, the editors at Turner/Phelps have devised the following scale for you. Keep in mind that in his last press conference, Rummy was probably "padding" the numbers, as most plumbers and project managers tend to do when they're forced to give an estimate. In predicitng low casualties, he's implying that unforeseen events may cause the numbers to slip into the moderate levels, which to him will still be acceptable.

New RNC Emblem

(An email from a screenwriter pal in Boulder.)

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

A Message from the Canadian Immigration Board to Disillusioned American Democrats

Greetings, Eh? That Bush feller really pulled a fast one on ya. You thought that running up a deficit, attacking science and sending thousands of Americans to die for vague political causes would make people vote for that yawner with the big hair. Well, the jokes on you. Now that you’ve exhausted your legal options, you’re probably axing yourselves aboot Canada, our fair land o'plenty. OK fine, here are the random bits of trivia you and your liberal friends will want to know aboot:

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

• We can't spell worth a damn. Just look at the words "grey," and "colour"
• You can’t refer to your former home as “America,” anymore since we consider the entire hemisphere to be “the Americas,” ya egotistical sots. You’ll have to refer to it as “the Southern province,” or “upper Mexico,” like we do.
• We have a parliamentary system. Don't axe--we don't know what the hell that's all aboot either.
• Saturday is trap all the ferret you can eat day, OK now?
• Don't be wearing that stupid grin when you drink our beer, you hear me, Phelps?
• Canada's unemployment rate is actually higher than 100% due to a tear in the fabric of time and space.
• Flannel is actually a magical fabric made by faeries living in Maple trees. (sorry 'boot the way we got to spell "faerie" up here)
• If a Canadian Betty turns you out on a date, don't say, "ouch, eh, you’re a chilly Northern winch." We frown on talk like that, mister.
• Drink lots of our beer. We've been saving all the old crappy stuff for you yanks and we need the room for our Wayne Gretsky statues.

Now, go and have yourself a good time. In Canada, eh.

Now That You’ve Been Fraudulently Disenfranchised, Let the Healing Begin

Do you wonder why there was such a huge disparity between the exit polls and the actual results? Isn’t it strange that the largest differences between exit polls that predicted a Kerry landslide in precincts actually “won” by Bush were the precincts that used voting machines? Republican pollsters are claiming that it is just a strange statistical anomaly. Besides, people are generally ashamed to have voted Republican and so must have lied about it to the pollsters. As much as I would sympathize with anyone who is ashamed of voting for Bush, I have a simpler explanation: Voter fraud.

To quote a poster on the DemocraticUnderground.com forums reported by truthout.org:

"To believe that Bush won the election, you must also believe: That the exit polls were wrong; that Zogby's 5pm election day calls for Kerry winning Ohio and
Florida were wrong (he was exactly right in his 2000 final poll); that Harris'last-minute polling for Kerry was wrong (he was exactly right in his 2000 final poll); that incumbent rule #1 – undecideds (sic) break for the challenger - was wrong; That the 50% rule - an incumbent doesn't do better than his final polling - was wrong; That the approval rating rule - an incumbent with less than 50% approval will most likely lose the election - was wrong; that it was just a coincidence that the exit polls were correct where there was a paper trail and incorrect (+5% for Bush) where there was no paper trail; that the surge in new young voters had no positive effect for Kerry; that Kerry did worse than Gore against an opponent who lost the support of scores of Republican newspapers who were for Bush in 2000; that voting machines made by Republicans with no paper trail and with no software publication, which have been proven by thousands of computer scientists to be vulnerable in scores of ways, were not tampered with in this election."

Consider this:

• Over 1,100 reports of voting machine malfunctions nationwide (the ones we know about)
• In Broward County, Florida, that bastion of democratic organization, machines started counting backward when votes went over 32,000
• A single precinct in Franklin County, Ohio gave Bush 3,893 extra votes – how many precincts are there in Ohio?
• Computers in conservative Craven County, North Carolina counted precinct totals twice giving Bush 11,283 extra votes.
• There is significant evidence that Democratic-leaning counties, especially counties with high minority populations, failed to have their votes properly counted. For example,
• LaPorte County, Indiana limited it’s precincts to 300 voters. That means only 22,200 votes could be counted when there are in fact almost 80,000 voters in the county

Bush Wins... Dollar's Value Drops Like Shit from a Crawford Steer

Reuters reports that the dollar dropped to record lows against the euro on Friday, succumbing to negative sentiment and erasing all of the U.S. currency's earlier gains.

Meanwhile, President Bush reiterates, "I've earned capital in this election, capital, and I'm going to spend it for what I told the people I'd spend it on..."
We've got news for you, George. That capital is worth the least it's been worth in nine years. You better spend it quick before it's value drops even more.

Ashcroft's Out to Pasture. Or is He?

WASHINGTON (AP) - Attorney General John Ashcroft is likely to leave his post before the start of President Bush's second term, senior aides said Thursday.

But, with millions of Americans still walking around brazenly exercising their civil liberties and expressing their freedom, whatever will John do?

Bush Wins... Coalition members drop like flies

The New York Times is reporting that Hungary announced Wednesday that it would withdraw its 300 troops from Iraq, becoming the latest country in United States-led coalition to bow to public pressure and prepare to bring its soldiers home.



Note: Saphira's 2006 prediction is flawed. Thailand has recently stated that it also wants to bring home its troops. But, coming to the President's defense, the king of the mighty island nation of Fiji, has promised to send troops, as well as "all the creatures of the sea at my command."

America, Look What You’ve Done to Me

We’re a dying breed my brothers and sisters. Apparently, peace, love and common sense are the dangerous marks of an elitist minority. I’m drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Knob Creek and here are some of my tear-stained thoughts on the matter.

President Bush wins the popular vote with the most votes in the history of recorded democratic elections. Tom Daschle is sent home as South Dakotans surrender the only real power they’ve ever had in the Senate. In a little-reported ballot initiative, Ohio votes to sell the remains of Mother Teresa to Michael Jackson. (You see, the people of Ohio are evil, evil I say).

Ten states ban gay marriage. Voters in Oregon also ban Seeing Eye dogs. According to Gary Bauer, “Blindness should be defined as a union between the CIA and Al Qaeda, not as a flip-flopping man who lies with a dog. That’s against God and everything holy.”

Vote or Die. We foolishly counted on the youth vote. It turns out that 18-to-21-year-olds voted only slightly more than eight-year-olds.

22 percent of voters claim “morality” as their primary voting issue. “Morality” apparently means killing innocent Iraqis for no reason, jacking up the price of oil, ending aid for single mothers, tax breaks for billionaires, automatic weapons for children and a full-frontal attack on your privacy. The second most popular reason for voting for Bush: curiosity about what mushroom clouds might look like.

The real winner: comic irony. George the First lost after winning the war with Iraq. George II wins by losing.

Kerry’s gracious concession speech secures three critical issues: unifying the articulate minority with the uneducated majority (college educated women were four times as likely to vote for Kerry as women who didn’t finish high school, thank you No Child Left Behind), avoiding a civil war, and making ketchup safe again for conservatives.

New scientific discovery: Invisibility (Nader 2004)

New scientific world view: ancient Hebrews understood much more about science than say, Steven Hawking or Carl Sagan.

Al Gore offers this advice: concede early, grow a Karl Marx beard, gain fifty pounds and spout off oblique insanities whenever possible.

America, I’m very disappointed in you. Wait ‘til your father gets home.

And the Loser is...

oh, yeah. And Mitch.

Mitch is also the big loser in this election since he was more concerned about voting for someone who would fire John Ashcroft, than he was about the issues. Guess what, Mitch? Ashcroft gets to stay another 4 years to personally whittle-away at your civil rights.

In a recent update, Mitch has informed me that he will be moving into a new place soon, where he will play the guitar and sing folk songs to the disenfranchised transients who are willing to do almost anything to share the warmth of his rotting filth.

Listen Up, America!

One last chance, Mr. President, to speak your mind before they close the polls...