What's Going On In There? (Part 2)

If Rummy, Dick, and George had a Pink Floyd song rattling around in their heads, which song would each of them have? Hover your mouse over a politician to see and hear what's going on in there...

Marathon Freak Ain't Greek

ATHENS, Greece (AP) - Three miles from the finish, the marathon leader was grabbed by a defrocked Irish priest wearing a red kilt, green beret and matching
knee-high socks.

The insane Irishman was wearing a sign:

Our question: What was Ralph Nader doing in Greece wearing a kilt?

Bush Declares War on Poverty; Pentagon Forecasts Thousands of Deaths

The Bush Administration today announced a new war on poverty. “Our first plan was to invade Poverty, remove its dictator from power, abuse some of the poor in a make-shift prison, expose Poverty’s ties to terror and then leave Poverty devoid of electricity and civil government,” the President said. “But then Condi explained that Poverty is not a place, which is confusing, I mean how can you declare war on a concept like Poverty? It’s just a case of me being totally unfamiliar with Poverty, which I think is understandable.”

The President went on to explain that the war on poverty would naturally involve many casualties, mostly from the ranks of the poor. “45 million Americans are uninsured, and we think they’ll be among the first to die. This will naturally decrease the levels of poverty in this country. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just call them terrorists and gas them.”

[ed. note: If you haven’t heard, the latest census data indicates that the Bush Administration polices have resulted in 1.3 million more people in poverty, up to 35.9 million below the poverty line. I feel really good about that $300 tax refund now.]

Off To See the F**-ing Wizard

Caution (MPAA RATING: R): Strong language in this blog.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Blood-and-guts director Quentin Tarantino may be going soft. The "Kill Bill" and "Pulp Fiction" director will make a cameo appearance in a new ABC-TV movie featuring the Muppets and based on the classic tale "The Wizard of Oz," ABC announced Thursday.

Kermit the Frog is going to play the Scarecrow, and Fozzie Bear will be the cowardly lion...

Script Excerpt from Tarantino's Scene:

EXT. KIWI FOREST -- NIGHT
Dorothy and Scarecrow slow their skipping to a cautious walk under the ominous canopy of the dark, gnarled kiwi trees that loom on either side of the yellow brick road.

DOROTHY
I'm hungry, Scarecrow.

SCARECROW
Me too. Maybe we should eat some
of that fuzzy fruit?

Dorothy steps up to a tree and plucks a kiwi from a branch.

TARANTREENO
OUCH! Jesus Christ!

The tree comes to life and towers over the hapless travelers.

TARANTREENO
What the fuck do you think you're
doing?

DOROTHY
Oh, my! You're a-- you're a talking
tree!

TARANTREENO
No shit, Sherlock. I'm also a tree
who is fucking very pissed off right
now. Is there a fucking sign around
my trunk that says, "Yank my balls?"

DOROTHY
What?

Tarantreeno swings a branch and crushes one of Scarecrow's legs. Scarecrow falls to the yellow brick road, grasping his pulped appendage, trying to stuff straw, bone and sinew back into the skin.

SCARECROW
AHHH, my leg! My beautiful, juicy scarecrow
frog's leg!

DOROTHY
Scarecrow! Oh, my!

TARANTREENO
I said, is there a fucking sign around my
trunk that says, "Yank my balls?"

DOROTHY
What?

Tarantreeno swings a branch and crushes Scarecrow's other leg.

SCARECROW
AHHH, my other leg!

TARANTREENO
Say "what" one more time, mother
fucker!

DOROTHY
I'm sorry, I don't know what you
mean!

TARANTREENO
Your perception of your rights and
liberties in Oz is skewed.

DOROTHY
Explain.

TARANTREENO
This is a forest in the land of OZ,
right?

DOROTHY
Yes.

TARANTREENO
And in the land of OZ, everything
is alive, right?

DOROTHY
Most everything?

TARANTREENO
Mother fucking right, most everything,
bitch. So if everything is alive and
has the same rights and liberties of
people, then when you go pulling fruit
off trees without asking, it's the same
as grabbing a big fistfull of my scrotum
and yanking my balls! How about we grab
your tits and play a little tug of war?

DOROTHY
No, no. That would be terrible!

TARANTREENO
You're fucking right that would be
terrible. Now give me back my ball
fruit and get the fuck out of my
forest!

Dorothy grabs Scarecrow, writhing in his own excrement, and drags him away down the yellow brick road.

CUT TO:

What's going on in there? (Part I)

Click the politician to hear what's going on inside his head.

White House Announces Plan to Outsource Dishonesty to India

The White House has announced plans to ship the creation of new falsehoods overseas. According to Vice President and genetically-altered super-troll Dick Cheney, the media’s demand for new lies has outgrown the administration's supply capabilities. “We’re just running out of believable deceits,” Cheney quipped, “and it’s time to give some new talent a try.”

The White House has tapped the “Indians for Truth in American Democracy” group, who had formerly made millions of dollars conducting click-fraud for a variety of state-side web publishers. An Indian company official -- who insisted on being identified only as a Vietnam swift boat veteran -- indicated that they had already selected a new company logo for the project. “It’s based on Hecate, a three-faced deity of Asia Minor. These days, being two-faced is not enough.”

The White House intends to carry on their own home-grown smear campaigns as well. “Read my chin,” Cheney said. “We intend to continue in our grand tradition of duplicity. We’re just not very good at it. No one is buying the whole WMDs in Iraq thing and this whole issue of Kerry’s medals was just idiotic. Who’s idea was it to keep comparing John Kerry’s military service to the President’s record or mine for that matter. Whoopsie-daisie.”

California Voting Machines: The End of the World

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - California will allow voting at electronic voting machines in November at all but four counties, after an improvement in security measures, the state's top election official said on Tuesday.

Miles beneath San Francisco, in his Fortress of Magma, Dark Lord Cheney sits on his mahogany and basalt throne, petting his horned iguana, Rummy, and chuckles to himself.

"Excellent," his voice rumbles through the sulfurous fumes, "the pieces are all falling into place, just as I planned. Soon every state will be using electronic voting machines, and my minions at the Halliburton Electronic Legislation Ligation offices will make good use of the results. Mwah ha ha!"

404 Error - Page Not Found

Here are some 404 errors I’d like to see:

404 Error - Page Not Found
The file “OJ Simpson’s Hunt For the Real Killer,” no longer exists. In a moment, you will be redirected to the page, “OJ Simpson Helps George W. Bush Hunt For Osama bin Laden.”

The Page You Requested Cannot Be Found
The page "Swift Boat Veterans Who Hate America," cannot be found. Since John Kerry is no longer there to protect them, they were all killed by Viet Cong.

Page Not Listed
I'm sorry, the page you were looking for, "Ralph Nader for President," is no longer active in this directory. Mr. Nader has dropped out of the 2004 campaign to investigate cures for his creepy eye twitch.

HTTP 404 - File not found
Iraqi_WMDS.htm could not be found. The page probably never existed in the first place, but you might check Syria if you’re into that sort of thing.

The Page Cannot Be Found
Carrot Top’s list of snappy retorts and witty repartee cannot be found. MSN Search recommends the following similar pages you might enjoy:
* Gilbert Gottfried’s Builds Things Out of Spam
* Gallagher Smashes His Own Head with a Sledgehammer
* Emo Phillips Dances the Seductive Dance of the Black Python
* Elaine Boosler Gets Drunk and Whines
* Jerry Seinfeld Makes Clever Observations about Q-tips
* Kevin Nealon’s New Home Above Will Ferrell’s Garage

HTTP 404 - File not found
The page you have requested, whitehouse.gov/bill_of_rights.htm has been trampled on, shredded, eaten and pooped into the Potomic River by John Ashcroft. Oopsie.

404 Error – File Not Found
I’m sorry, we cannot locate the file “The Best of Michael Bolton.” Please refer to Mitch’s MP3 P2P page, “Deathmatch: John Bolton v. Kenny G.”

Page Not Found
The page you requested, Martha Stewarts Living is not active. You will immediately be directed to SanQuentinPenitentiary.gov.

HTTP 404 - File not found
George W. Bush’s Guide to Proper English Usage cannot be found, ya’ll. Abu Gooboo. Abu abu gooboo.

Matthews' New Album Ain't the Only Crap He's Spreading Around

CHICAGO (AP) - The state of Illinois sued the Dave Matthews Band on Tuesday for allegedly dumping up to 800 pounds of liquid human waste from a bus into the Chicago River, dousing a tour boat filled with passengers.

Plus, in my opinion, the latest Dave Matthews solo album effort adds another 10,000 pounds of human waste to the environment.

According to the lawsuit, on Aug. 8 a bus leased by the band was heading to a downtown hotel where members were staying. As the bus crossed the Kinzie Street bridge, the driver allegedly emptied the contents of the septic tank through the bridge's metal grating into the river below. More than 100 people on an architecture tour were showered with foul-smelling waste. The attorney general's office said no one was seriously injured.

Side note: Left-of-center Matt Turner is the spitting image of Dave Matthews, especially when wearing his retro Greg Brady shirts, plus he also spews gallons of human waste on innocent bystanders. Coincidence?

Turner|Phelps Exclusive: Sneak Preview of W’s Convention Address

My fellow Americans, neo-con sock puppets and inarticulate monkeys:

Recently, my opponent and the left-wing media have tried to distort what this campaign is about. They’ve tried to make this campaign about the 1.3 million jobs lost in the last three years, a failed war in Iraq, an environment on the verge of collapse, the national health care crisis and other items in their commie socialist agenda. But we know better.

This campaign is about feeling vaguely uncomfortable with John Kerry but not really knowing why you have that feeling. Sort of like flying around with your dad, Dick Cheney and a couple bin Ladens on Air Force One while discussing baseball. There’s nothing really wrong with it, it just feels funny in the pit of your stomach. John Kerry’s like that. John Kerry goes on and on about his war record, his courage, his three purple hearts. Don’t it make you wonder? Who signs up to go to Vietnam? Who steers their boat into enemy fire to pick rescue a stranger? Obviously, from early on, Kerry has worked a sinister plan to get into the Oval Office. This twisted, deviant sense of patriotic duty motivated his heroic behavior. Shame on you, Kerry. One thing is certain about George W. Bush – I’m not so self-centered and power hungry to risk my life for another American. That’s not what I’m about.

I’ll tell you what I am about. I’ve made a big deal over gay marriage and you’ve told me I’m wrong to oppose gay marriage. So I’m listening with my giant monkey ears. Gays and lesbians are out to destroy the very fabric of our society. Gays and lesbians want the right to pledge their love to each other, forsaking all others in a bond of matrimony. Since we know they’re out to destroy America with their devotion and love, we can only come to one conclusion: marriage must be evil. I am proposing a constitutional ban on marriages of any kind. Let me remind you that the Clintons are married. I mean, what kind of people stick together after such devastating scandal? Besides me and Cheney. Or me and Ken Lay. Or me and the Saudi Royal Family. Who are these married Clintons who seem so willing to endure adultery and humiliation to make their sacred vows work? Sure, some may call that love and respect or even maturity, but I call it an attack on American values. Marriage has to be stopped.

But your decision in November hinges on one doubt: what kind of man is John Kerry? What kind of man wants to lead this country? This country isn’t what it used to be in the fifties. I’ve kind of stinked it up. I mean, look, I didn’t ask for the job. I even lost last time and they still made me president. God has stuck me with the job. Probably as a punishment for all the coke I did. But what is wrong with Kerry that he’d actually try to get elected? It’s a job for idiots. You think I like hearing Dick Cheney tell me every day about how he should’ve been president and how he’s really leading the country and how I should just shut my cake hole? What kind of man is Kerry to ask for that abuse? And I’ll tell you something else about John Kerry: he’s married. Does that mean he’s gay?

So don’t listen to the environmentalists who say I’m prostituting our national wilderness. Don’t listen to so-called “national security experts” at the “Pentagon,” who say I’m ignoring North Korea at the risk of global peril. Don’t listen to Colin Powell who says I have a peculiar obsession with Saddam Hussein. Don’t listen to women who want to have a say in what they do with their lives and their bodies. Don’t listen to black people who complain that I’m the only sitting president to refuse to address the NAACP. Don’t listen to tech workers who haven’t pulled in a paycheck for three years. In fact, don’t even listen to the GOP when they tell you to vote for me. Hell, you didn’t vote for me last time and I’m still here.

Good night.

"If you're gonna do sports on TV, Put Some Clothes On!"

The God of Thunder (apropros for the Athens games) is hot under the collar about what's considered a sport these days, and what the women athletes are choosing NOT to wear.
Check out his diatribe.
I love him like a brother, but he's a nutcake. (Pecan)

110-Year-Old Portrait of Dick Cheney Stolen

Two masked theives boosted Edvard Munch's "The Scream" today. The painting is famously rumored to be a portrait of Dick Cheney in 1893 who was then a 45 year old nobody hiding out in Oslo and looking to score some absinthe.

Are there any good leads to the theft?

"...there's no secret Dr. No or Mr. Big or anybody like that out in the Venezuelan jungle, or Captain Nemo aboard the Nautilus," said Charles Hill, a former British Scotland Yard detective who helped recover "The Scream" in 1994.

Hmmm... Brilliant insight, and yet we still can't rule out Goldfinger or Professor Moriarty. Damn you evil geniuses, always a step ahead.

Good News for Kerry: Wlezien Predicts Bush Victory

Chris Wlezien, a political scientist based at Nuffield College at the University of Oxford in Britain, is predicting Bush will win 52.5 percent of the vote in a model that combines income growth with presidential approval ratings.

Four years ago, Wlezien forecast that then-Vice President Al Gore would win with
54.5 percent of the vote. In fact, he took 50.5 percent and lost the
state-by-state Electoral College vote after the Supreme Court settled a bitter
dispute over the outcome of the vote in Florida.

Certainly they factored in issues like the war. Or lying about the war. Or lying about the war that cost 12,000 civilians their lives.

Said senior economist Robert Dye of Economy.com:

"We do not consider any type of voter preference on foreign policy and we are
not accounting for noneconomic issues. To the extent they are more important,
they could make a difference."

Dole's Noggin Goes Limp

Bob Dole, America's poster boy for flaccidity, has joined the cause of the Swift Boat Veterans Who Hate America:

"I mean, one day he's saying that we were shooting civilians, cutting off their
ears, cutting off their heads, throwing away his medals or his ribbons,'' Mr.
Dole said. "The next day he's standing there, 'I want to be president because
I'm a Vietnam veteran.' ''

I guess when you're a senile old goat, 35 years can seem like a single day. We know Dole's arm is limp from his heroic service in WWII, his penis is limp sans Viagra thanks to years of kissing Reagan's ass and his Presidential campaign was limp from day one. Has his brain gone numb, too?

I mean a guy like Dole, he must know what he's talking about. He'd surely get his facts straight before he'd make any brazen comments, right?

"John Kerry's a hero," Mr. Dole told Wolf Blitzer. "But what I will always
quarrel about are the Purple Hearts. I mean, the first one, whether he ought to
have a Purple Heart - he got two in one day, I think. And he was out of there in
less than four months, because three Purple Hearts and you're
out."

Mr. Kerry did not receive two Purple Hearts for events of the
same day. He received them for the events of Dec. 2, 1968, Feb. 20, 1969, and
March 13, 1969. Mr. Kerry often acknowledges that his wounds were not severe,
but he still has shrapnel in his left thigh from the firefight that led to his
second Purple Heart.

So Kerry's a war hero with three purple hearts and the compassion to question our involvement in Vietnam in the hopes of bringing more Americans home alive. You're right, he's unfit to be President.

Blog*Spot Loses Ads, Gains Navbar

So, after all my whining about Google Ads, Larry and Sergey have pulled them. All you have is a search bar at the top of TurnerPhelps.

Searches in the navigation bar take users to a results page on the Google site,
where AdWords ads are served to the right of the organic search results.

According to the Blogger site, the goal was to improve access to key
Blogger features: "The Blogger navbar replaces the default ad block formerly
inserted on blogspot.com pages with a more useful navigation tool."

Or could it be the context ads just don't work?

Blog*Spot Loses Ads, Gains Navbar

Save the Court

Let's not forget that the courts are at stake in the election, not just who can tell the most lies about John Kerry's war record. If you vote for Bush, you obviously hate America. You also hate separation of church and state, education, a woman's right to choose, and of course science. A vote for Bush means you hate science, you unpatriotic America-hater.

Consider that the Supreme Court could carry Bush's legacy of failure and incompetence into the next two decades. You might be jealous of John Kerry's patriotic heroism or even his fabulous hair, but you can't tell me you want to stack the court in favor of inarticulate monkeys. Do you? Do you really hate God-fearing Americans so much that you'd do that?

Don't forget gun control. Why am I against guns? Because guns are primarily used to kill Americans. As a true patriot, I am against killing Americans. If you want people to buy guns and kill Americans, you need to ask yourself: why do I hate America so much?

This vote is about basic American values, like putting kethcup on french fries. Americans have slathered their french fries with ketchup for years at ballgames, the circus, and drive-ins. Now the Bushies are asking you to stop buying Heinz ketchup and are insisting on calling your pommes frittes "freedom fries." That doesn't sound very "free" to me. The last people to hate the french that much had "SS" on their shoulders. Do you want to risk a constitutional ban on something as American as ketchup and french fries?

Love America: Save the Court

Bush's Undying Competitive Spirit

On his web site Secondary Wars and Atrocities of the 20th Century. Michael White notes that Saddam Hussein killed 300,000 Iraqis from 1979 to 2003 (24 years).
Iraqbodycount.org notes that so far during George Bush's Democracy-spreading regime change activites, 11,649 civillians have been killed in Iraq.
So, taking Saddam's total and averaging it over those 24 years, we might see the numbers this way:

Stamos and Romijn-Stamos Done For

Aug. 22 (AP) - Full House actor John Stamos has filed for divorce from X-Men actress (and Victoria's Secret Model) Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.

John Stamos (41) said, "well, after she hit 30, the sex, which was unbelievable to begin with, just got better and better because we really got comfortable with each other and she dropped all the Midwest-girl inhibitions she had about doing really freaky stuff. Plus, with two blockbuster movies under her belt, her boost in self-confidence gave her this Amazonian-like libido, where she wanted me day and night, and she just wanted to please me physically and emotionally and take bubble baths with me all the time. So I figured the marriage had run its course... and ... wait, WAIT, WHAT AM I DOING? I'm such an idiot!"

What a Snappy Dresser

So if you haven't seen (and since the feds shut down our TurnerPhelps web cam, you probably haven't seen), I'm wearing a very colorful shirt today. Yep, I'm a snappy dresser. Here are some of the comments I've rec'd:

"Hey Greg Brady!"

"Did you come out of the closet and forget to tell anyone?"

"Are those your pajamas?"

Nice, real nice.

Talk About a Great Heist Story

Variety reports today that Dan McDermott has signed a mid-against high-six figure deal (e.g., maybe $500k to turn in a script, another $400k if it gets made) with 20th Century Fox to write "Hong Kong Heist," about rival gangs drafted by a triad leader to steal three rare gems.

Hey, Phelps and I have made like, $2k against jack squat for our scripts this year. We've also generally made asses of ourselves, but that's another story. Like the protagonists in this McDermott epic, we also stole three rare gems: we stole the "Odd Couple" to write "Spaz", we stole "Pulp Fiction" to make "Harvey and Speeder Are Dead," and we stole Fred Travelena's Richard Nixon impersonation just because we love him like an old brown shoe (Travelena, not Nixon).

Project, to be overseen by Fox's Robbie Brenner and Hutch Parker, marks the
fourth feature script deal for McDermott since he traded the prexy post at
DreamWorks TV for a typewriter. He got off to a flying start, landing $750,000
against $1.1 million from Fox 2000 for "Selling Time," a drama about a man who
trades years of his life to go back and fix the worst day of his life. Interest
from Will Smith gives that project a shot at getting made.

So, this McDermott fella' is very experienced ("In Living Color," "The Simpsons" and "Melrose Place, and he was even the DreamWorks prexy for a time). But $750k for a script that has "a shot at getting made?"

Why isn't everyone on the planet writing scripts? Oh, wait, you are.

Why Lying Liars Tell Big Fat Lies

What are the real issues and the real reasons the Swift Boat Veterans Who Hate America have told their big fat lies. We have an unelected president who will stop at nothing to distract us from his own pathetic record.
MSNBC - Hardball with Chris Matthews for August 19:

MATTHEWS: Let's talk about what's really going on right now in this country. We have people fighting in Iraq right now. We‘re going to lose by election day, based upon the way we're going, a thousand people will be killed over there. 6,500, a lot of amputees, a lot of really serious woundeds from which they won't come back from. They aren't just knicks. Why aren't we talking about that?

CLELAND: Because it is funded with his Republican cronies out of Texas. This kind of swift boat ad, which puts Vietnam veteran against Vietnam veterans. We ought to be talking about those kids that are losing arms and legs and eyes and full of shrapnel that are coming back from Iraq due to this president's failed policies and lack of strategy to win, or strategy to get out.

Iraq Played by Bush

Sports Illustrated reports that the Iraqi soccer team is upset by Bush's political ads. If you haven't seen the ads, Bush mistakenly implies that he's helped Iraq in some fashion by killing 12,000 innocents. It's not his fault, he's a simple little monkey trying to lead the free world.

Iraqi soccer players upset about Bush campaign ads

Farewell Elmer Bernstein

Brilliant and famously liberal film composer ("Ten Commandments" "The Magnificent Seven" "Thoroughly Modern Millie" "Walk on the Wild Side") Elmer Bernstein died yesterday at age 82. He'll no doubt report to his spot on the Left side of God right after a quick trip to Hell to kick Senator McCarthy in the balls.

Farewell Elmer Bernstein, James Horner will have to find someone else to rip off.

Google Dives to 85

If you think the Chinese have a lock on this synchronized diving, check out Larry and Sergey as Google's opener dove from their predicted $135 to $85. Hey, I'm unclear about something. Does the "don't be evil," clause apply to unrealistically hyping your own IPO?

If I missed my own number by some 37%, people would have only one word to describe me: fired.

(Disclosure: Google is totally giving TurnerPhelps a free ride on Blogspot, so I'll probably stop picking on them despite all the self-righteous "I'm less evil than you are," nonsense.)

Geek Corridor

I proclaim the section of Garden of the Gods road west of Centennial heretofore be referred to as Geek Corridor.

Don't act all innocent Mitch or Diet Coke boy, or even you, MC Tim D: You've eaten at that Schlotsky's, you know what I'm talking about. There are more pocket protectors and VWs in the parking lot than a Linus Torvalds love-in.


Here’s a sample of a lovely geek monologue I over heard:

“There’s this nasty rumor going around that corporate won’t let us use JavaBeans. Don’t they know component architecture is critical for the dynamic
loading of objects? “

It was a laugh riot.

...Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

No Child Left Behind (Except Yours)

NYT reports:

In virtually all instances, the charter students did worse than their
counterparts in regular public schools.

Charters are expected to grow exponentially under the new federal education law,
No Child Left Behind, which holds out conversion to charter schools as one
solution for chronically failing traditional schools.

OK, low scores, but this is nothing to be dismayed about, is it?

"The scores are low, dismayingly low," said Chester E. Finn Jr., a supporter of
charters and president of the Thomas B. Fordham Foundation, who was among those who asked the administration to do the comparison.

What do the Bushies plan to do about this? Close public schools to make more charters, naturally.

Of the nation's 88,000 public schools, 3,000 are charters, educating more than
600,000 students. But their ranks are expected to grow as No Child Left Behind
identifies thousands of schools for possible closing because of poor test
scores.

Records Counter a Critic of Kerry

More on the lies of lying liars.

Read the truth.

You Write the Book

What could this book be about? Is it a political thriller, a memoir, a manifesto for elbow-room world domination, a cook book for duck, a collection of love sonnets?
You decide.
Post a comment with your summary of "The DaCheney Code."

You never know, maybe the summary submitted that we like the best will win a limited edition Dennis Culver Day t-shirt.

Ode to Her Dead Honda?

So I ran across this blog today, by a girl in Texas who really loves her vehicle. Of course, depending on how you read it, it could be a girl's affection for her Honda, or a necrophiliac's obsession with a body he robbed from a grave and has kept stuffed with potpourri for the past six years.

When I brought you home in 98

I felt so happy and so great.

You've been no trouble or no worry

If I said I didn't love you, I'd be telling a story.

You're a very pretty shade of green,

You always smell so nice and clean.

You are my rock and my pride,

You are....MY RIDE!

By Jamie, TX, USA

HWJV?

(AP) In Austin, TX, today a panel of religious experts weighed a question with relevance to many people of faith: How would Jesus vote?

I've got the answer for you, and I'm not even a theologian: He wouldn't vote. First off, you need a mailing address to be a registered voter, and "walkin' from one place to another spreadin' the Word" doesn't count. Second, when the registrar asks Him if He's a citizen, He'd probably say something profoundly vague like, "Verily, my kingdom is not of this world."

...Author James C. Moore offered his view to the crowd of clergy and lay leaders at the conference: "If ever there were a bleeding-heart liberal, it was Jesus Christ. I think the carpenter from Galilee was the original Democrat."

Darth Rumsfeld

Just imagine what he's saying...

New Heppenstall CD

So one of my best and oldest friends has released a new solo CD. You can check it out at his web site.

A little trivia about Edward that you won’t find in his bio: When we were growing up in Redlands and Loma Linda, CA, he used to keep a bowl of dry cat food on his piano. The cat would come along and eat out of the bowl every so often, but so would other people thinking it was some sort of savory snack mix. So if you’re ever at his house, and hungry, just ask for a sandwich or something, don’t go snooping around looking for snack mix. I mean, he’d gladly feed you something tasty, but if you’re just a greedy mooch eating out of random bowls, you’re on your own.

I’ll save another story -- of how he saved my life at Madame Wong’s in Santa Monica as I was about to get beat up by a 300 pound angry backstage manager after a show -- for the second album.

One question. How long before Jackie O and Dennis Culver are singing Heppenstall songs out of a Karaoke machine?

The Scribbler

When a problem comes along, YOU MUST SCRIBBLE!

More Lies from Lying Liars

Evil Republicans will stop at nothing, including lying about the record of a confirmed war hero. Pathetic.

Here is the real poop about John Kerry’s fitness for command:

Every member of his own crew – the people who know him best and served the closest to him – support his candidacy.

The book “Unfit for Command,” is a smear campaign brought about by jealous wannabes with a conservative political agenda. Shame on you all. And poop on you, I declare, poop on all of you!

The commanders who have said some questionable things about Kerry’s record – some 35 years later – are the same commanders who wrote glowing commendations of him. Either they’ve gone senile and should not be exploited a la Charleton Heston, or are big fat lying liars. I poop on you, too.

I know you conservative robots hate that he protested the war and threw away his medals, but come on, W spent the war on a golf course. I’d rather have a president who is well-reasoned enough to change his opinions for the betterment of this country than a president who so blindly clings to his ideology that he’s forsaken the most basic American values. Who is really unfit for command? And unfit to for me to even poop on. To poop on such an inarticulate monkey would be an insult to poop. You give poop a bad name, George W.

MoveOn has a petition to send to W about these new lies. Not that he’ll read the petition, because well, he can’t read.

Great Googly-Moogly

Life was so simple before the Google IPO.

Should I sell my house to buy more Google shares or is foregoing food and medical care enough?

Will I adhere to Google's tenet to "don't be evil," when I unload my Google shares on an even bigger idiot than I was when I bought my initial shares?

Should I be worried about Google brand extensions watering down their focus? There's already Froogle to find the lowest prices online. How about Poogle to find dog groomers? Or Shoogle to find the best running shoes?

With so many investment gurus insisting that I don't buy shares of Google, I wonder: should I buy even more shares of Google than I originally planned?

Sexiest Vegetarian is Best Dressed Man!

That's right. Esquire magazine, America's paragon of journalistic integrity, has named Andre 3000, half of the Grammy award-winning hip-rap duo Outkast, the World's best-dressed man.

Let us not forget that last month Andre was awarded the coveted "Sexiest Vegetarian" award by PETA.

And more Andre 3k in the news, this just out: 2004 will be the first time the 30-year old Andre 3k will vote. So that makes him the sexiest, best-dressed, vegetarian new voter in the world!

I love Andre 3k. (I really do.) Hey ya! Heeey Yaaa!

Hey! Quit Hogging the XBox!

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) - A dispute over clothes and (an XBox) video game system between a young woman and a squatter in her grandparents' house apparently sparked the vicious beating and stabbing murders of six people whose bodies were found late last week in a blood-spattered home, police said.

An anonymous spokesperson for XBox assured a nervous community that the slayings had absolutley nothing to do with the release of the new game, "Beat 'Em to Death with Aluminum Baseball Bats, 4."

The squatters warned (the victim) that "they were going to come back there and beat her with a baseball bat when she was sleeping," police said.

All four suspects were armed with aluminum bats when they kicked in the locked front door, according to arrest records. The group wore black clothes and had scarves on their faces...

A Watchful Eye on a French Girl

The Bush Administration and the office of Parks and Wildlife announced this week that it was keeping a particularly watchful eye on a French girl in New York City who has been a long time resident of the metropolis.

"Lady Liberty" as she is affectionately known by locals, spends her days on Ellis island looking eastward and espousing decidedly Liberal political viewpoints with her placard that reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning
to breathe free"

One park ranger, with security dog on a leash, eyed Miss Liberty warily and said, "I'm not too sure about her. First off, she's French. Second, she's always lookin' east. Don't know if that means she's staring at Mecca, or what. Plus, she's holding a torch and in our business with the parks, we just don't trust folks with open flames. Unless, of course, it's the god-fearing pro-American Olympic flame."

Security has been much tighter around the French girl since the attacks of 9/11, but this week the government is allowing tourists back on the island to visit her. An anonymous spokesman for the Vice President's office stated, "She's tall and French and liberal. And that's all we need to be suspicious of her motives."

Iraqi Safe House

'nough said.

Intelligence Czar Ain't So Intelligent

WASHINGTON (AP) - Bush is ready to create the position of national intelligence director, but some lawmakers wonder whether what he's proposed will have enough power to get the nation's 15 sometimes turf-conscious spy agencies working in concert.

Does anybody else think an Intelligence Czar is a BAD idea?
Over the centuries, authoritarian states have relied on centralized and highly disciplined security forces to maintain order and promote loyalty to the autocrat. Henry VII of England had his court of the Star Chamber; Louis XIV of France his royal intendants; Hitler had Himmler, Goering, and Heydrich; the Soviets had the KGB; and Isreal has the Mossad.
Power Corrupts. Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely.
Wikipedia notes this: J. Edgar Hoover (Director of the FBI from 1924-1972) is credited with creating an effective law enforcement organization, but was also accused of flagrantly abusing his authority in blackmailing notable public figures and unwarrantably engaging in political persecution. And he was just over the FBI. Can you imagine what an empowered individual over ALL of our intelligence gathering agencies (whether part of the White House administration or exclusive of it) could do?
This is insanity, people. George Orwell is laughing from The Other Side.

Esther's Vagina

I really want Madonna to get back on stage and act some more. So I had an idea last week... what if she were to do her own version of "The Vagina Monologues" off Broadway?

Then I realized that with Madonna's vagina, you're never alone, so it would have to be called, "The Vagina Dialogues."

But dialogues implies two voices, which made me think that with her, it's not that you're never alone, but that there's usually a party going on down there. So I'd like to suggest that Madonna get back on stage with a one-woman play called, "The Vagina Chorus."

I'm a big fan.

Ambiguously Free Republic

Mr. DietCoke, our frequently nude Rocky Mountain high society right-winger sent this image in the hopes (I think) that it will make people think twice about voting for the Kerry/Edwards ticket. Yes, it shows the "ambiguously gay duo" superheroes from SNL with John & John's heads poorly superimposed on the bodies ("light source, proportion, and light source," my ultra-cool, dog food-eating, life drawing professor used to bark).
I got a laugh out of it.
But would also like to say: I still would much rather vote into office these two untested snappy dressers (a political flip-flopper and a trial lawyer), than a pair of guys who don't blink an eye at the thought of sacrificing 900+ American soldiers over a half-baked politically motivated vendetta.

PS - Thanks, Mr. DietCoke, for not unleashing the FREEPERs on us.
For the uninitiated, those are the subscribed Free Republic members who have nothing better to do than read "Free Republic" and tear
apart anybody who disagrees with them. I think Dick Cheney is a charter
member.