Off To See the F**-ing Wizard

Caution (MPAA RATING: R): Strong language in this blog.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Blood-and-guts director Quentin Tarantino may be going soft. The "Kill Bill" and "Pulp Fiction" director will make a cameo appearance in a new ABC-TV movie featuring the Muppets and based on the classic tale "The Wizard of Oz," ABC announced Thursday.

Kermit the Frog is going to play the Scarecrow, and Fozzie Bear will be the cowardly lion...

Script Excerpt from Tarantino's Scene:

EXT. KIWI FOREST -- NIGHT
Dorothy and Scarecrow slow their skipping to a cautious walk under the ominous canopy of the dark, gnarled kiwi trees that loom on either side of the yellow brick road.

DOROTHY
I'm hungry, Scarecrow.

SCARECROW
Me too. Maybe we should eat some
of that fuzzy fruit?

Dorothy steps up to a tree and plucks a kiwi from a branch.

TARANTREENO
OUCH! Jesus Christ!

The tree comes to life and towers over the hapless travelers.

TARANTREENO
What the fuck do you think you're
doing?

DOROTHY
Oh, my! You're a-- you're a talking
tree!

TARANTREENO
No shit, Sherlock. I'm also a tree
who is fucking very pissed off right
now. Is there a fucking sign around
my trunk that says, "Yank my balls?"

DOROTHY
What?

Tarantreeno swings a branch and crushes one of Scarecrow's legs. Scarecrow falls to the yellow brick road, grasping his pulped appendage, trying to stuff straw, bone and sinew back into the skin.

SCARECROW
AHHH, my leg! My beautiful, juicy scarecrow
frog's leg!

DOROTHY
Scarecrow! Oh, my!

TARANTREENO
I said, is there a fucking sign around my
trunk that says, "Yank my balls?"

DOROTHY
What?

Tarantreeno swings a branch and crushes Scarecrow's other leg.

SCARECROW
AHHH, my other leg!

TARANTREENO
Say "what" one more time, mother
fucker!

DOROTHY
I'm sorry, I don't know what you
mean!

TARANTREENO
Your perception of your rights and
liberties in Oz is skewed.

DOROTHY
Explain.

TARANTREENO
This is a forest in the land of OZ,
right?

DOROTHY
Yes.

TARANTREENO
And in the land of OZ, everything
is alive, right?

DOROTHY
Most everything?

TARANTREENO
Mother fucking right, most everything,
bitch. So if everything is alive and
has the same rights and liberties of
people, then when you go pulling fruit
off trees without asking, it's the same
as grabbing a big fistfull of my scrotum
and yanking my balls! How about we grab
your tits and play a little tug of war?

DOROTHY
No, no. That would be terrible!

TARANTREENO
You're fucking right that would be
terrible. Now give me back my ball
fruit and get the fuck out of my
forest!

Dorothy grabs Scarecrow, writhing in his own excrement, and drags him away down the yellow brick road.

CUT TO: