Bush Declares War on Poverty; Pentagon Forecasts Thousands of Deaths

The Bush Administration today announced a new war on poverty. “Our first plan was to invade Poverty, remove its dictator from power, abuse some of the poor in a make-shift prison, expose Poverty’s ties to terror and then leave Poverty devoid of electricity and civil government,” the President said. “But then Condi explained that Poverty is not a place, which is confusing, I mean how can you declare war on a concept like Poverty? It’s just a case of me being totally unfamiliar with Poverty, which I think is understandable.”

The President went on to explain that the war on poverty would naturally involve many casualties, mostly from the ranks of the poor. “45 million Americans are uninsured, and we think they’ll be among the first to die. This will naturally decrease the levels of poverty in this country. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just call them terrorists and gas them.”

[ed. note: If you haven’t heard, the latest census data indicates that the Bush Administration polices have resulted in 1.3 million more people in poverty, up to 35.9 million below the poverty line. I feel really good about that $300 tax refund now.]