Massacre of Innocents

If the murder of an innocent person is successfully covered-up by the spin doktors, did anyone actually die? What if it was two dozen people? Does that make a massacre? How about a baker's dozen? That's just getting creamed. Oh, the pun of it all.

Current investigations are underway to determine if a company of killbots did in fact massacre 23 innocent women and children in the village of Haditha, Iraq. The question should be "who's conducting the investigation?" Well, for national security of course, it's an investigation by the very organization that trained the killers, assembled the company, assigned them to the region, and gave them their marching orders. (See this article.)

Perhaps we should be re-evaluating the role of these highly specialized death dealers. We build them to be invincible, program them to kill without compassion, then we're surprised when their wires get crossed and they revert to their prime directive*. Perhaps our heart strings are being tugged in the wrong direction and it is the killbot that deserves our sympathy. Those 23 women and children most likely provoked the killbots, or at least hid from them in a suspicious fashion, like behind a closed door or under a mattress, and forced the killbots to respond in the manner that would best protect themselves: kill everyone and let God sort them out.

* Prime Directive:

on (hardReboot) {
_root.killAllLivingThings;
} else {
this.crotch.scratchMindlessly;
}

Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's... Lordi?

Strap on the studded leather, boys, and bang your latex-masked head. Monster rock has invaded Europe.

First it was dried fish, now Finland temps our tastebuds with Lordi, a new "monster" heavy metal band. Their website looks like some teenage boy with no imagination crossed his D&D character sheets with his KISS Army soldier's handbook.

Though comparing the photos to the main page description of the band, there seems to have been some change in which monsters exactly make up Lordi (where's Enary and Kalma? Kalma was my favorite!). Let's see what the current line-up is...

Lead vocals brings us Lordi (or Mr. Lordi) who is some kind of Rob Zombie with horns. FYI his cape turns into bat wings. His fact sheet says he's "the on-treader, the unholy overlord of tremors" and that he's a "cyberundertaker, the hulk of hell."

On guitar there's Amen, the mummy. His fact sheet says he's an ancient assassin and the Ruler of the Anubis Dynasty. Oh, it also says, "so be it, it shall be done." I'm not sure what kind of fact that is, but suffice to say it has nothing to do with good grammar.

Hammering the drums is Kita, the extraterrestrial man-beast from an intergalactic alien race. Obviously an alien race that's unfamiliar with the concept of redundancy. Oh, and he's a soldier orc. Did I mention the Dungeons and Dragons connection?

No Finnish heavy metal monster rock band is complete without the ubiquitous female vocalist, most likely to add the screams and Wagnerian operatics, so next we have AWA. According to her fact sheet, she's a "possessed sorceress, she-devil, snake-eyed feminine spectre, the vampire countess, The Psyghost, also known as ghost witch, Miss Madness, and the queen of insanity." The madness here is that they couldn't make up their minds what to call her and decided to just cover all their bases. Don't forget, "Be Aware." Clever girl.

Finally, there's Ox, the undead minotaur bassist (see photo with fact file).

I bet a Lordi concert is a riot. Can't wait for them to play Red Rocks.

http://www.lordi.fi/

Senate Panel Ass-sucked Into Endorsement

General Hayden's nomination as CIA director won the endorsement of the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday in a 12-3 vote after an hour-long closed-door discussion, where insiders say the general showed the committee members how he got the nickname, "Booty."

The 15-member Senate Intelligence Committee, which Republicans control by a single vote, limped from the closed-door session, some of them rigorously rubbing their hindquarters. The panel chairman, Sen. Pat Roberts (R), was quoted as saying, "Damn, that boy could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch."

Interns reported later that day from the Senate gym's locker room that all of the intelligence committee members had sizable hickies on their sagging pasty white wrinkled tushes, though exactly when each received his hickie -- or by whom -- could not be confirmed.

Madonna Doesn't Let Advanced Age or Incontinence Slow Her Down

Curious what it would cost you to hire Madonna to mow your lawn?

Try 2.8 million bucks per hour.

That's based on the gross ticket sales her new "Confessions" concert generated it's first three nights.
3 sold out shows of 16,000 seats, at $350 per ticket. That's a total of $16,800,000. Consider that each night she does a two-hour show with no encores, totalling six hours of work.

$16,800,000.00
÷ 6.00

---

$2,800,000.00

What does she think she is, a pro baseball player?

It takes a lot of Metamucil to keep the old girl going, I'm sure. But that much moolah buys a whole lot of fiber.

US Kills 80 Taliban, Despite War Being Over More than 3 years

The AP Wire reports that a U.S.-led coalition nighttime airstrike against Taliban rebels in a southern Afghan village killed up to 80 suspected militants, the coalition said Monday. The local governor said 16 civilians were killed and 16 wounded.

Isn't that war over? Watching the cable news channels and their lack of reporting on Afghanistan, one would think the Taliban is an extinct relic that was neutralized or at least marginalized years ago.

And yet we're still killing them (over and over). Sounds like they're villains from a George A. Romero movie. "Night of the Living Taliban"

New Proof: God is Giant Rodent

MOUNT MERAPI, Indonesia - (AP) Mount Merapi shot a large cloud of searing hot ash and gas into the sky Wednesday, ending the two-thousand year old question "is God a giant gerbil sitting in a lawn chair?" Photos of the ash cloud definitively prove the results.

Scientists and theologians around the world are now in discussion on what God would actually want by way of sacrifice. Religious leaders say He wants chopped lettuce and bits of carrots, while the scientific community insists that He would prefer cereal-based feed pellets.

Kyle Hamilton, a sophomore at Cornel University in Ithaca, said, "Dude, give Him Cheetos."

Signature Nose Whistle Steals Bush Thunder

Last night's national address of the President's explanation on how he intends to improve his approval ratings was rudely interrupted several times by a dried chunk of snot lodged in the President's left nostril. Recently hired White House press secretary and former FoxNews bootlick, Tony Snow said the nose whistle "was just another example of rabid liberal senate Democrats opposing the President's plan, regardless of its merit."

During the speech, Karl Rove urged Secret Service agents to forcibly remove the nose whistle from the Oval office, but the agents successfully shielded the President from themselves.

Later that night, Bill O'Reilly snagged an exclusive FoxNews interview with the troublesome chunk of snot. After calling it a traitor and an unpatriotic liberal whiner that should lodge itself in Al Franken's sinuses, O'Reilly asked it what it's "real" motive was for interrupting the broadcast. He was dissatisfied with the nose whistle's only response of, "whheeeeeeee whhoooo. Whhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee whhoooo."

The Saga of Booty Hayden

Daniel Mankeweicz was a second year cadet in 1968 at the Air Force Academy. A fellow cadet and bunkmate invited him to spend spring break at his brother's college in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Saturday of that first weekend, the three intrepid youths ventured into the off-campus frat house row for adventure...

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Rumsfeld Stands Behind "Booty" Hayden

Today Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said that he supports the nomination of General Mike Hayden as the head of the CIA, effectively destroying any lingering respect the world has for the current principal deputy director of national intelligence.

Booty?

You heard it here first. T/P Beltway insiders discovered last weekend that Mike Hayden's nickname at the Airforce Academy was "Booty Hayden." We're fervently looking for the origin of the monicker. More to come on that...

Damnit, David Didn't Drown

With showmanship so exaggerated it would give PT Barnum acid reflux, more commercial breaks than you could shake a stiff gecko at, and enough fanfare to extinguish a self-immolating monk, Mr. Blaine still managed to blow it.

Despite the hype, the weak emcee talent, and David's own unique brand of non-personality, he couldn't even come close to the great Harry Houdini. Remember, Dave, Houdini actually died trying.

Loser.

He bores me. Maybe he should go back to scaring people with that weak "levitation" trick on the sidewalk. Or better yet, how about raising someone from the dead? That's a cool one. Only a couple people have pulled that trick off in the last three thousand years . I loved his card tricks, but these stunts have got to end.

Shame on me.

But I'm to blame, I admit it. I watched the last 30 minutes of "Drowned Alive" last night. I was really hoping he would pull a Houdini, then maybe pull a Jesus Christ three days later.