Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Their Favorite Wurst

According to Reuters, designer bratwurst flavors are all the rage in Berlin these days. They've filed it under "Oddly Enough," but we say there are never enough sausage stories out there. So we had Mitch ask some of the top newsmakers in the nation to describe their favorite bratwurst flavor. We compiled their responses here.

What's Your Favorite Bratwurst Flavor?

Ted Kennedy - I, er, am partial to the gin and, er, tonic flavored wurst.
Bill O'Reilly - Bratwurst, huh? I'll tell you what I'll do with my bratwurst. I'll slide it up and down the small of your back, like a loofa. Then I'll get a good lather of shaving cream and I'll - wait a sec - I've got another call. Hold on, it might be my lawyer.
Rudy Guiliani - First, I really loved this Sicillian bratwurst, probably for more than twenty years. But, things changed, we grew apart and I glommed onto this light, waspy, low-fat vegetarian brat. That affair only made it about one year before I fell head over heels for my current favorite, a rich, robust, REMEMBER WHERE I WAS DURING 9/11!
George Bush - Apple pie. And baseball! Um, and justice. Yes, justice and freedom. The sweet taste of justice and freedom. And baseball.
Dick Cheney - Go fuck yourself, Mitch.
Hillary Clinton - What do the polls say? The Hispanics are shifting to the right? OK, got it. I prefer my bratwurst taco-flavored. Si, un taco con mucho sabor.
Ted Haggard - The council of elders says I can't have sausage anymore.
Alberto Gonzales - I don't recall.
Karl Rove - Kittens. Ground up with puppies. Really young ones whose eyes aren't open yet. That's when they're sweetest. Aagh! Sheryl Crow! Don't let her touch me! It burns. It burns!
Barack Obama - On first inclination, I was going to say "taco-flavored" but my esteemed colleague from New York stole that thunder, despite the fact that I had said as much as four years ago that I was against traditional brats in lieu of a bipartisan approach to more exotic flavors like taco, Philly cheesesteak, and cilantro mango. So I'd like to clarify my stance by stating unequivicably, the latter, without question.
Fred Thompson - Brats are for sissy boys who need their meat on a bun. Give me a steak. Porterhouse. Rare. Just some salt and pepper. And a beer. And not one of those girly German beers. Screw the beer. Whisky. Give me whisky, neat. I don't have time for this debate. Just give me a raw piece of meat and a shot of whisky. Leave the bottle, sissy boy.


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