Kerry Slows Democratic Election Momentum By Opening Mouth

The Republicans are up in arms over a botched joke Senator John Kerry tried to tell during a campaign speech in California aimed at college students. Reading what he said versus what his handlers wrote for him to say, it's obvious how little he knows about telling a joke in the first place. His hair could tell that joke better.

Dear Sen. Kerry,

Please don't try to tell jokes intended to make Republicans look bad, especially in the final days before the election, unless you can do the following:

1. Loosen up.
2. Set up the lead-in smoothly.
3. Time it just right.
4. Then kick them in the balls with the punchline.

How much fuel will this give them between today and Tuesday next week to gain back all the ground they've lost on the election front? If the Dems don't take the house and senate, you're to blame.

Much Ado About AoD

Is it safe?


I've been wondering lately. What happens if you ignite the hatred of someone who thinks he's the Angel of Death? (See recent anonymous comments signed AoD.) Is it really unsafe? Besides a little stalking and maybe a restraining order, you might have a confrontation with the psycho. What would be even more curious is if you roused the anger of the real Angel of Death.

What are your options in that kind of situation? I mean, what's the worst that can hap-

Bush Uses the S-Word in Iraqi Address

No, not sabre, Sean. And not his favorite S-word which you can hear him toss about with other heads-of-state when he thinks the microphone is off.

I can't believe with the hooplah today about Rush Limbaugh's hatred of all things Michael J. Fox (move on, folks, he apologized for being a dick, let's talk about REAL NEWS like the subject of this blog) that it has been overlooked by even the nit-pickiest pundits. In his public address, rife with veiled threats and, contradictions be damned!, even more veiled support of the Iraqi prime minister, President Bush used a word that must have only recently been added to his vocabulary (most likely by his lawyer, Alberto "I'll define torture for you" Gonzales, or his wife, Laura "yes I really was a librarian" Bush), since we've never heard him use it in the past.

Sovereign.

That's right. George actually said that Iraq is a sovereign nation. He used the term at least six times during the question and answer segment. Where was that word in 2003 when he was lubing up the war machine? I don't remember ever saying "sovereign nation" when he was promoting the idea of regime change. How do you spell sovereign in George Bush's dictionary? I spell it h-y-p-o-c-r-i-s-y.

Aim For The Dalmation

Secretary of Defense, Donald "Pass the Red Hot Poker" Rumsfeld, is determined to prove to the world that America's armed forces are ideal for peacekeeping, despite failing miserably so far in the argument. I wonder what advice he would give to soldiers heading over to the Hot Zone for the first time? Hmmm...

Donald's Five Rules for Being Good Peacekeepers

1. Shoot first, answer inquiries later (if you're caught).
2. Blame neighboring countries for insurgent uprisings caused by your own shortsightedness.
3. Prop up warlords, crime bosses, and international fugitives as local government leaders.
4. Take as long as possible to get GDPs and other resources (like oil fields) up, running, and making money.
5. "Accidentally" kill civilians who are vital to societal infrastructure (like fire fighters).

Happy Birthday, Everything!!

On this day in 4004 BC, the universe was created, according to the Ussher-Lightfoot Calendar. Or so says Wikipedia (the official Turner/Phelps reference for facts).

She doesn't look a day over 3800.

When asked how he concluded that Ussher's creation calculation should carry his name as well, Vice-chancellor Lightfoot pulled out a guitar and sang a sorrowful ballad about cold winter nights and beautiful Canadian women.

President Preps for Prison Shower Scene

(AP) The White House is bracing for guerrilla warfare on the homefront politically if Republicans lose control of the House, the Senate or both... Republicans are battling to keep control of Congress. But polls and analysts in both parties increasingly suggest Democrats will capture the House and possibly the Senate on Election Day Nov. 7.

Are you ready for big push, George? Here's a pillow, feel free to bite it. Just close your eyes and power through it.

Maybe a drinkie-poo will ease the pain of the imminent reversal of your anti-American policies? Maybe a congress that isn't intimidated by your bullying will refrain from voting in line with your agenda 90% (and more) of the time? Are you ready for a rewording of the unPatriot Act and perhaps censure or even an investigation into the war profiteering that's been going on under your watch? It might make for a very entertaining last two years of your presidnecy. Much more painful than a soiled blue dress. Go ahead, just one won't hurt. Even Jesus drank a little of the fizzy nifflers now and then, and he's your biggest role model.

Are We Immortal, Yet?

Two weeks after I mention Everlasting God Stoppers, it shows up last night (Oct. 18) on The Colbert Report as a by-line for a guest author. Coincidence? Or are the writers for Mr. Colbert's farcical show hitting the best satirical blogs out there for fresh ideas because the black tar heroin just doesn't give them the edge anymore? I think you know which it is.

To be fair, I had used the term "Ever loving" but that was a direct quote of a misquote and everyone (all seven of you) who reads this blog, knows it was in reference to "everlasting." Where's your truthinessness now, Mr. Colbert? Hiding from the bears, I'm sure.

British General Uses Head for Exit Strategy

The chief of the British army illustrated an early exit strategy from Iraq by drawing the plans on his head for his staff and the press. As he outlined the troop withdrawal with dry-erase markers, he warned that the presence of British troops in Iraq was making the situation worse.

Gen Sir Richard Dannatt voiced concern, despite considerable lack of hair, about the worsening situation of running out of map space on his shiny pate. He argued that the presence of British troops was contributing to the cycle of violence and the lack of scalp waxing space.

Death Toll Staggering (if true)

Some call it comparing apples to oranges, but I distinctly remember that the regime change in Iraq was justified because of the imminent threat Saddam Hussein posed to the United States along with his ties to al Qaeda and the 9/11 attacks. If the recently released report of the civilian death toll in Iraq is accurate, well, it's hard to say what's next.



Lucy, you've got a lot of 'splainin to do...

Crazy Like a...

Giant Camel News No Competition for Foley Fanatics

The announcement this week that archeologists found the fossilized remains of a 100,000 year old camel as big as an elephant, did not deter the national media and political pundits from their prurient fixation on Senator Foley's penchant for "the tightest teen."

University of Columbia archeologist, Aaron Diggsindurt, spoke of the giant dromedary. "It's big," he said, "really big. We're talking Dennis Hastert big. This camel could go weeks without drinking water or admitting it had previous knowledge of improper email messages. That's why we're calling it Hastertis Gigantum."

Continuing his GOP comparison, Diggsindurt said that the camel was as big as an elephant and was killed by homo sapiens at a drinking hole. "We're only guessing the homos killed it," Diggsindurt said, "because without a fossil record of the flamboyancy of the clothes they wore or how tidy they kept their caves, we can't know for sure if these sapiens were homo or not."

"One thing we do know," he concluded, "like its namesake, Hastertis Gigantum stunk to high heaven. Like most giant, homo-hating camels."

[Reuters Story]