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Condie Calls for a "Stop Button" for Iran's Nuclear Program

I'm sure the geniuses at MIT are getting right on that, Dr. Rice.

Our illustrious President is in need of a few buttons himself. Namely a "shut up" button for Condie who, for a secretary of state, seems to talk and talk and get nothing done; and a "come back to reality" button for his vice president who continues to see everything in Iraq and Afghanistan as just dandy. Wake up, Dick. Today's suicide bomber at the base where you were visiting is the undeniable proof that THINGS AREN"T DANDY over there.

- - - - - - - - Fed up: a letter to the President - - - - - - - -

It's time to change course, Mr. President. Swallow some of that surplus pride you've been hauling around since the 2000 and 2004 elections and end the occupation of Iraq. It was a flawed idea in the first place that you shouldn't have tricked us into supporting and we shouldn't have accepted without more indepth debate.

I think the troop surge idea is a good one if it was in Afghanistan. Refocus our current Middle East forces there and fight the real enemy, the Taliban. An increase in troops in Iraq will only mean an increase in our already-unacceptable death and disability tolls. But 20,000 additional troops in Afghanistan could do a world of good in a country where the enemy is an actual organized force that can be seen, confronted, repelled and defeated.

The media seems to be fixated on how you will look in the history books. If that matters to you, fire Karl Rove, fire the ineffectual Condie Rice, and send your pet demon, Dick Cheney, back to the nether realms from which you summoned it. Replace Condie with Ben Stein. Ask the RNC to suggest a moderate, level-headed replacement for the vice president, someone who neither has ties to nor agrees with the policies of Bill Kristol and the other New American Century neo-cons. And ignore the gaping hole left by Karl Rove. He has done you no good aside from driving you into office--the way one of King Henry VII's infrantrymen might drive a pike through a surly Frenchman or the way a drunk Irishman might drive his St. Patty's Day float into the green Chicago River--and his advice to you over the past decade has been more than misguided. It has led you down morally questionable paths that will haunt us all for generations. He can't possibly have your best interests at heart if he repeatedly convinces you to make such magnificently bad decisions.

True repentance is one of the cornerstones of your faith. Practice it by admitting you've done something terribly wrong. Simply saying that what you did was an honest mistake, then letting your cronies lay the blame at the feet of a scapegoat Pentagon intelligence analyst doesn't feed the beaver in the pantry. You didn't make a mistake, and you know it. If you intentionally misled the people you have sworn to protect in order to advance some twisted political strategy, you need to admit it. Humbling yourself in this way before "your fellow Americans" and the international community will not make the United States of America look weak in the eyes of our enemies. It will make us look wise. And by association, it will prove that you are brave enough to make the truly hard decisions, to take the high road, and to embrace your humanity.

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Farrakhan's Speech to be Ignored by Mainstream Media and Other White Devils

Having laid low for the past several years, Louis Farrakhan, the leader of the Nation of Islam, has come out of seclusion by organizing an "I'm Still Here" convention to be held this coming Sunday at the Cobo Center in Detroit.

Motivated by the sudden realization that he might die without having ever said anything nice about anybody, Farrakhan plans to promote hope, peace, and love, among other things, in his keynote speech. Also on the convention agenda:

Saturday 9:00 AM to 10:30 AM
How to Tell if Your Boss is a Bloodsucking Jew

Saturday 11:00 AM to 12:15 PM
So You Think the Pope's a No Good Cracker? I Agree

Saturday 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM
Practical Bowtie Knots and Other Fashion Tips

Major media news outlets plan to ignore the conference altogether, airing instead breaking news about Anna Nicole Smith's continued deadness, red carpet preparations for The Oscars, and commentary on whether or not Paula Abdul will make it through the whole season on American Idol.

Political Winds A-blowin', Turner Changes Shirt

With the recent Democratic upheaval in the federal government and President Bush's approval ratings sliding further into the abyss, Turner announced his decision to graduate from the Greg Brady School of Style (magna cum laude) and change the shirt he wears everyday to work at Turner/Phelps Omnimedia.

Known for his eclectic and who-cares-what-they-think-as-long-as-it's-clean fashion sense, Turner stated that his depeche mode, "is indicative of the new hope I see in America and the rest of the world. Tony Blair is pulling troops out of Iraq, the price of crude oil is dropping despite wars in the Middle East, and for the first time a man of color and a woman are both running for president of these United States at the same time. That says a lot about how far we've come from the dark days of 2004, five and six. So I'm changing the shirt that said, 'I wish we lived in the harmonious time of Greg Brady,' to a shirt that says, 'those times are here.' And I'm glad to do it." He went on to say that the transition in attire will occur immediately.

The new shirt, a sensible rust colored short-sleeve with subtle plaid pattern, oft times referred to as a "Wally Cleaver," will be worn Mondays through Thursdays. Turner continues to reserve Fridays for his dark burgundy, Russell Crowe, fightin' round the world, dock-worker wannabe, wool turtleneck sweater. "Because that says," Turner elucidated, "that Aussies and Kiwis are sexy bad boys who kick ass."

* For the record, although Turner's ethnic origin is uncertain, we do know that he is neither Australian nor from New Zealand. Some speculate that he is either Black Irish, Barcelonan, or Greek.

Yale's History Department Cringes as Bush Links War on Terror to US Independence War

This guy has a history degree from Yale?

Well, OK, maybe you could compare the two. After all, King George III was battling insurgents who were creating chaos and wanted to establish their own form of government. Plus there was another guy named George in there somewhere (275 years young today). And if you slur your pronunciation a bit, bin Laden sounds a little like Ben Franklin.

Tim Hardaway Comes Out and Admits He’s Hetero

Am I the only one who is shocked that Tim Hardaway is heterosexual? First, there’s his name, Hardaway. If he were really hetero, he would have changed his name to something more flaccid, like Giuliani or Trump. But the name Hardaway screams he’s just happy to see you. Would you want a man named Hardaway in your locker room?

Then there’s his style of dribbling, called “the cross-over.” Come on, we all know what that’s referencing.

He also shaves his head, and I understand that several gay men are also bald. Coincidence?

Tim Hardaway, perhaps you doth protest too much?

If you’re not an NBA fan, check out this link (thanks to C-note for telling me about the story).

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North Korea Jumps the Shark

If North Korea gives up their nukes, isn't that the equivalent of Laverne and Shirley moving to California? Kim Jong-Il was arguably the coolest of the criminally insane dictators in the Axis of Evil. Of course one of the other three is dead and the other is getting caned for ticking off the Ayatohlla. But those awesome glasses of his didn't hurt. Now, he's just another Qadaffi, an Arthur Fonzarelli in a sweater teaching Vo-Tech, a Gavin McLeod uncomfortably trading one-liners with Ted McGinley. North Korea has jumped the shark.

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Kansas Desperate to Climb Out of 14th Century

Nibbling on the fruit of reason...

See article.

UK Terrorists Totally Ignored

Hey did you hear about the rash of letter bombs they've had in Britain over the past three weeks?

Of course you didn't. But I bet you know who won Grammys last night.

Primarily you didn't hear about it because the letter bomb terrorists aren't affiliated with al Qaeda, aren't radical Islamists, and aren't threatening US targets. Or maybe it's because the bombs were designed to shock and frighten the victims, not kill them, so news about them wouldn't be significantly scary enough to hold your attention more than, say, headlines about the unexpected death of an ex-stripper, gold digger, whacked-out bulimic with an IQ of 67.

Meanwhile across the DMZ...

The Bible Does NOT Condemn Homosexuality

Here’s a newsflash to Ted Haggard: God doesn’t care if you’re gay, get over it. I’m so tired of hearing the reckless religious wrong using the scriptures of my cherished religious tradition to attack people.

Here is why I don’t believe the Bible condemns homosexuals. You’re free to disagree with me, but you’d be wrong to do so. You’re also free to lift poisonous snakes above your head in an ecstatic quasi-religious pose or put sheets over your head at the next meeting of the grand dragon or even be a total Republican hypocrite and vote for the very pro-gay Rudy Giuliani in the next election. You’d also be wrong, very wrong, again.

Conservatives always try to narrow the Bible down to small details that actually contradict the broader view of scripture. It is a classic case of missing the forest for the trees. No one in their right mind today would use the Bible to argue that slavery is moral – yet that is exactly what was argued using supporting details of certain verses rather than taking the themes of scripture as a whole for guiding principles. This same thinking is being used today to prevent the extension of basic rights to another minority population -- homosexuals. The details provide context of Biblical stories, but not core themes. To focus on such contextual details is to commit Bibliolatry and miss the point of Scripture entirely.

Here’s an example. If I were to tell you that Dick Cheney committed treason by talking to Robert Novak, you might be tempted to agree even though you knew it was illogical. If I were to tell you that Dick Cheney committed treason by betraying CIA operant Valerie Plame, you would of course agree whole-heartedly (unless of course you hate America, you America-hater you). What is important to understand is that Dick Cheney committed treason by outing an American CIA operant, not in how he did it. There. You are free to talk to Robert Novak again, in case you were worried. It’s often a similar case in the Bible. Homosexuality is often the context but not the message.

So let’s talk about the nitty gritty texts that might get tossed around at your next BBB meeting.

In terms of the Old Testament, Mosaic and Levitical law is considered even by most conservative theologians to no longer apply after Christ's sacrifice. In other words, if someone is quoting from Leviticus to say homosexuality is wrong, ask them why they eat pork, or wear cotton and wool in the same coat, or get tattoos or even mix their grass seeds.

In the Genesis story of Sodom, you can interpret the passage very narrowly and say that homosexuality is being condemned. But to me, you would have to shut your eyes to the explicit violence of the passage which is really talking about rape. Taking the broader view of scripture, and not the contextual details, this is certainly not a passage that condemns loving, long-term, mutual commitment. Again, you’re free to talk to Robert Novak. Focus not on the how but on the why.

As for the New Testament, in some areas with Paul (Romans 1, for example) if you look at the intent of the passages he seems to be saying "don't go against your nature," or also, don't fall back into paganism, more so than don't be homosexual. Of course this is not a literal reading of the contextual details, but one that tries to appreciate the larger context of the Christian message of love, monogamy, caring, compassion, etc. If you take this in terms of that total context and also in the broader scope of scripture, you could read Romans 1 and say that it is a sin for a homosexual to go against their nature and act heterosexually. Certainly, that seems to be very pragmatic advice for the Ted Haggards of the world. Robert Novak was not available for comment.

In 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 in some translations, Paul condemns the "effeminate and abusers of themselves with mankind." But these are arguably imprecise translations. The Greek word for effeminate could also mean cowardly and the passage is most likely an indictment of temple prostitution, which degraded and abused young boys. To argue that a passage condemning cowards and pedophiles should apply to loving committed couple of any sexual preference is nonsense. Take that, Robert Novak, you paleoconservative.

There is more evidence every day that sexual preference is at least in some way influenced by your genes. I can't imagine that Christ's radically inclusive life and message could ever be mangled to argue that loving, committed homosexual couples should be denied the same rights that my wife and I enjoy.

Jaded Sailor 10

Far Out Space Nuts

T/P Astromate of the Month:

"Commander Shuttle Thruster"

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 185 lbs

Distinguishing physicality: swarthy, rugged good looks; bench presses 320 lbs (12 reps before breakfast); washboard stomach; tattoo of pirate teddy bear just below and to the right of belly button (in the "danger zone"); always smells like "Old Spice".

Personality traits: serious in flight, but playful on the launch pad; one of the boys, but always a gentleman to the ladies; teaches Native American orphans leather crafts and archery on the weekends.

Turn ons: Candlelight dinners, racing motorcycles, nude free-form rock climbing, married female astronauts.

Turn offs: Islamist terrorists, global warming, the black market ivory trade, crazy married female astronauts who wear diapers and kidnap my girlfriends.

Haggard Cleansed of His Gayocity

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual." (Actual story.)

The Reverend Ahma Homafoab, of Glenn Eagle, announced today that he was certain Haggard has been "cleansed on all gayocity, stripped of all gayness, and that there is a complete absence of fagitude."

Though his ministerial peers say they love Haggard (with Christ's completely hetero, Platonic, non-sexual love), they've encouraged him to travel a new, secular, career path in a field where he can make lots and lots of money writing graphically descriptive books about his prurient descent into and eventual climb out of the gutter. Like psychology. They also debated having a large pink triangle tattooed on his forehead, but eventually voted against it.

Meanwhile across the DMZ...

RIP Sexytime Explosion

It was a good run while it lasted. RIP Sexytime. I'd like to think that the "crash on our couch" reference was directed at me. I still can't get the smell off the couch (just kidding, you know I love you krazy kids).

After two years as a band, Sexytime Explosion has decided to call it quits. We would like to thank everyone who has played with us, worked with us, let us crash on their couch, booked us, written about us, and inspired us.We especially want to thank everyone who has come out to the shows, and supported us through this experience.See you all soon,Sexytime ExplosionJackie, Veronica, Travis, Dave

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