Haggard Cleansed of His Gayocity

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual." (Actual story.)

The Reverend Ahma Homafoab, of Glenn Eagle, announced today that he was certain Haggard has been "cleansed on all gayocity, stripped of all gayness, and that there is a complete absence of fagitude."

Though his ministerial peers say they love Haggard (with Christ's completely hetero, Platonic, non-sexual love), they've encouraged him to travel a new, secular, career path in a field where he can make lots and lots of money writing graphically descriptive books about his prurient descent into and eventual climb out of the gutter. Like psychology. They also debated having a large pink triangle tattooed on his forehead, but eventually voted against it.