New Years Resolutions

George Bush New Years Resolutions
1. Get new friends
2. Learn to read
3. Speak a language good-like
4. Start drinking again -- blame it on uncooperative Democrats
5. Screw up the Iraq war even more than I already have
6. Invade Iran and bring on the end of times

Dick Cheney New Years Resolutions
1. Eat fewer kittens (they’re so fattening)
2. Clean and organize secret location
3. When hunting with old lawyer friends, really finish ‘em off, don’t just scar up their face
4. Use more gasoline
5. Destroy the Constitution

Republican Congressional Leadership up for Re-election in 2008 New Years Resolutions
1. Distance ourselves from Bush
2. Show how we’re different from Bush
3. No really, we're really, really different from Bush
4. Be independent thinkers – we’re no George Bush
5. Break from the pack – Bush is acting alone
6. Distance ourselves from Bush

Hillary Clinton New Years Resolutions
1. Change name to Hillary Rodham-Obama
2. Create a committee to uncover the top ten reasons why people don’t like me and then assign another exploratory committee to plan ways to implement the top three ideas without offending anyone in Ohio
3. Distance myself from Bush

Rudy Giuliani New Years Resolutions
1. Downplay my outrageous playboy lifestyle for conservative wackos
2. Find new ways to relate to those country bumpkins outside of Manhattan – maybe watch Newhart reruns before the New Hampshire primary
3. Start looking for a new, younger wife
4. Play up my accidental heroism, play down my long and checkered law career
5. Distance myself from Bush