Petraeus Underwhelms All by Stating the Obvious

"Qaeda still undefeated in Iraq." The words echoed through the deserted hall where General David Patraeus, U.S. commander in Iraq, was scheduled to give a press conference. Due to almost all news agencies sending their reporters to St. Paul, Minnesota to cover John McCain's Republican acceptance speech, Patraeus's press conference became a one on one interview with lone veteran Financial Times reporter, Sammy "Scoop" Hamilton.

"Well, I was supposed to be in St. Paul too with the rest of the world's press corps" Hamilton confided via phone to Turner/Phelps, "but I missed the bus Sunday to the airport and had to stay here."

Further investigation revealed that "Scoop," his gluttonous love of Middleastern food famous among the other reporters, was en route to the airport when he spied an all-you-can-eat falafel special at Habib's House of Humus and jumped off the bus just as it was leaving the Green Zone.