Britney's New Song Scares Children

With nightmarish arrangements summoned from some hell-born music box and a voice like the rotting corpse of Martha Rae, Britney Spears' new single "Desert Me (Baby Boy)" scares her target market (pre-pubescent girls and early-pubescent boys) too much for them to buy it.

"It's like she recorded it sitting in a closet with a bottle of vodka," commented one Britney fan.

When asked, "what does this song make you think of?" a quick survey returned these responses:

45% Stuffed animals with knives
30% Evil clowns
15% Undead Barbie dolls "coming to get me"
10% Nicole Richie

Putin: U.S. Wants to Dominate World

U.S.: Well, Duh.

The White House responded to President Vladimir Putin's assertion that the United States intends to rule the world as a single "unipolar" super power by sighing heavily and saying, "shuh-huh. WhatEvurr."

Shawna Fondelstein of Martha's Vinyard, the twentythree year-old emo staff intern recently assigned to fill Karl Rove's place as chief strategic architect in the Bush administration added, "besides, by Putin's logic, if there were two super powers then it would be bipolar. And we all know that's bad. And if there were three super powers, it would a super menage a trois and that's just icky."

"Unless," she added, "it's me and two really hot guys who aren't gay and are really into me. Maybe a really hot guy and a really hot girl, but only if they were both really into me, and didn't spend a lot of time focused on each other."

Reservists Called to Task for Market Drop

I could have sworn I railed a week ago that pumping seventy billion dollars into the credit industry would hurt more than help. And here we see it in action. The stock market is still panicking.

If they use their previous logic, the Federal Reserve and ECB should inject more money into the system to quell the growing investor concerns. That money's not doing anything anyway, besides sitting on some shelf, losing value. It should get some exercise outside in the fresh air. Stretch its legs and do a little work, like alleviating market woes. Oh, wait, that didn't work.

Karl Rove Head at Critical Mass

State department papers uncovered by Turner/Phelps show that Karl Rove, mastermind behind the George Bush ascendancy, is stepping down from his position in the white house because the evil generated within his oversized head is reaching critical mass.

"He hasn't had much of a chance to do a lot of evil over the last six months," one anonymous insider told us, "what with all the Gonzales damage control and surge report spinning he's been doing. So, all the evil in his brain has been just building up."

Scientists agree

Every day that Karl Rove refrains from performing some devious act, avoids conspiring to do some inhuman cruelty, or resists the urge to recommend some nefarious policy, is a another day the evil grows in his brain.

"It's like some hideous flesh and bone Pandora's box," Dr. Hecuva Baibikillur, professor emeritus of ancient evil studies at Liberty University, shared with us. "The evil in his brain is of the purest variety. And if it isn't released, like a pressure valve on some diabolical steam engine, it will grow and expand, feeding on itself until one day, boom, the head explodes and the evil forces within flood the world."

Based on visual measurements of Rove's cranium, Dr. Baibikillur estimates that Rove has less than five weeks before reaching critical mass. "Thus, the August 31st date for his resignation. He's not going to spend more time with his wife and son. He needs, and we all need him to, get out of the white house atmosphere that's stifling his deviousness and return to his routine of daily iniquity. Frequent, small acts of pressure-realeasing injustice in the private sector will save us all from a cataclysmic, even apocalyptic event, that could destroy the world as we know it."

Is FedRes Overreacting?

The FedReserve is dumping money from its reserves (hence the name) into our apparently fragile "banking system" with a little help from Europe's central bank, the ECB, in an effort to instill confidence in the credit market and divert any urge to panic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't pouring 70 billion dollars into the system between yesterday and today tantamount to panicking? I think it sends the wrong message. Our system is capable of self-correction. Overreaction to a natural change in state (correction for the subprime fiasco) only makes things worse, by interpretation.

I wonder if they'll start printing more money, next, to really shore up international confidence in our economy.

Gov't Still Doesn't Bridge the Gap 'tween War and Reality

Ever wonder how nice, current, strong, and reliable our bridges would be if we sank into their upkeep the kind of dough we've shat away in Iraq?

Same goes for levies, roads, and tunnels. Hell, what would a hundred billion dollars get us, infrastructure-wise? Terrorists aren't the only threat to homeland safety.

Soliciting comments from anyone in the know...