Friday, January 19, 2007

If I Did It

Did you hear that Newsweek picked up a chapter of the OJ non-confessional, If I Did It? I've seen snippets and it's ugly. It contains details that perfectly match some of the smallest details of the prosecution's arguments. More chilling are the emotional and angry comments about Nicole Simpson.
What you may not know is that the book has inspired a string of copy cat publications like the following.
If I Read It
By George W. Bush
"Condi wouldn't let up about the Baker Report. I told her I didn't like books without a lot of pictures, so she tricked me and read it to me over lunch. I didn't understand most of it, but just out of spite I decided to do the opposite of what it (and most US Generals, and the American voting public, and my daddy) suggested. I decided to actually boost the troop count, but not by enough to really make a difference. Take that, you people who can read good and stuff."
If I Back-Dated It
By Steve Jobs
"What do you care if I did? I gave you the iPod you ungrateful tiny-brains. How about the iPhone? You'd still be watching your movies in HD on those crummy giant flat screens if it wasn't for me. You'd still be able to discern the difference between crystal clear high sample rates and heavily compressed music if it wasn't that Bono thought I was so cool."
If I Boiled It
By EZ Jones
"What was that sound? Bang! Bang! BANG! I had left the pot boiling and now there were eggs everywhere. Hard boiled eggs on the ceiling and walls. It smelled as if Beelzebub himself had paid a visit to my bathroom."
If I Did Her
By Bill Clinton
"Yep. I had relations with THAT woman. And that woman too. And you look awfully familiar come to think of it. The president has certain needs and he likes the ladies."
If I Cloned It
By George Bush, Sr.
"Barbara was so concerned with our (the CIA's) little monkey-cloning experiment. I told her nothing could go wrong. An army of half-man half-monkey soldiers would be the answer to our military needs without having to impose the draft. You have to remember, cloning was new, and this was long before the RNC made me pretend to be against science. She said, "if you think it's such a good idea, why don't you name Subject A10 after yourself? Why, with all of your influence, he could go to Yale. He could even be president one day." I know she was being sarcastic, but to prove a point, I went ahead with the experiment and her suggestions. I have some regrets."


Blogger Phelps said...

Sadly, the concept of "don't leave a pot of eggs boiling on the stove top while you play Age of Mythology upstairs, no matter how much you're craving an egg salad sandwich" just hasn't sunk in with EZ. Mrs. Jones caught him the other day heading to the bathroom with a book in hand, after he had just started a pot. He's a retard.
- - -
"If I did her" could also apply to Hillary, based on what some insiders say about the then-first lady's daliances with old college roomates.

2:20 PM  

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