Monday, April 11, 2005

Bolton Pledges to Help Strengthen U.N.

John R. Bolton, a blunt diplomat whose nomination as U.S. ambassador to the U.N. is opposed by most Democrats and some in the foreign policy establishment, pledged Monday to help strengthen an institution that has occasionally "gone off track."

His plan for strengthening the U.N. and keeping the organization on track? By decapitating his evil twin brother, Michael Bolton, drinking his blood, and wearing his entrails like a scarf, he announced.

"It's the perfect plan," Bolton said on the first day of his confirmation hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, "it's fool proof, since I know how to get past Michael's intricate tapestry of auditory protective charms and talismans."

Hefting the still-bloody head of his freshly murdered sibling from a brown paper grocery bag, Bolton confidently announced, "I've done my part, Senators. Now it's your turn to confirm my nomination."

The committee's top Democrat, Sen. Joseph Biden of Delaware, expressed his "grave concern" about Bolton's nomination, citing doubts about his "diplomatic temperament."

"In my judgment," Biden said, "your judgment about how to deal with the emerging threats have not been particularly useful."

Sen. George Allen, R-Va., however, called Bolton "the absolute perfect person for the job," and added, "plus I really hate your brother's music."


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