Master Debaters Part One

Both Kerry and Bush have been described as "master debaters." Tonight's Florida debate, the first in a series of three presidential debates, will test that statement. Let's just hope they actually address the issues.

Wormholes and Cheneyspeak

Okay, so a middle-of-the-road friend assured me yesterday that the reason we went to war with Iraq was to protect the Iraqi people from the chemical weapons Saddam so often used on them.
What??? She didn't mention that Bush promised in 2003 that Saddam was stockpiling WMDs. She didn't mention the "obvious" connections between Saddam and al Qeada that the vice president so adamantly affirmed in his overconfident Meet the Press Cheneyspeak. She was certain that this military action we're in was all about protecting the innocent people of Iraq from a ruthless tyrant.
Have I somehow slipped through a wormhole into an alternate universe where the UN security council debates of 2003 on sanctions and action against Iraq never occurred? Did I only dream of Colin Powell's satellite photos of mobile chemical weapons labs? Did Rummy's derision of "Old World Europe" never really happen?
Are we experiencing revisionist history even before it's history? Oh, benevolent God of History and keeper of timelines, please remind us what the ACTUAL series of events were before we rolled into Baghdad to kill civilians and sacrifice American soldiers.
And speaking of timelines... we should try to remember that Saddam hadn't used chemical weapons on his own people (or anybody else for that matter) since 1988, during the era of the divine one, Reagan, and Elder Bush. Unless that's a fact I'm remembering from the alternate universe on the other side of my wormhole.

Boss Bashes Bush

NEW YORK (AP) - ... Bruce Springsteen offered harsh words for the Bush administration and its efforts to "sanitize" coverage of the war in Iraq. "The fact that the administration refused to allow photographs of the flag-draped coffins of returning dead, that the president hasn't shown up for a single military funeral for the young people who gave their lives for his policies, is disgraceful," Springsteen says.

Are you kidding, Bruce? When would he possibly have time to go to all of those funerals? He might have to sacrifice some time spent campaigning in the battleground states! We can't have that, now. If he doesn't get re-elected we'll be opening the door for more terrorist attacks.

Open Mouth, Jimmy, Insert Foot

Once again, the baudy evangelical Jimmy Swaggart (who claims to be Christian) speaks without caring who's listening.

BATON ROUGE, La. (AP) - Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart apologized Wednesday for saying in a televised worship service that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.

On the other hand of course, if a twenty-something prostitute were to look at him romantically, he would entertain her with his own brand of Southern hospitality. And if she were to invite her daughter into the room to watch, he'd pay twice as much.

To be fair, Jimmy was just joking about "killing any gay man who looked at him romantically." Let's not forget that he's from the bayou where there is very little romance, what with all the humidity and mosquitos. I'm sure he would have said that if a man looked at him platonically, but asked for plain businesslike sex, Jimmy would have obliged wholeheartedly, especially if it involved masturbating while others watched (that's his particular turn-on).
Listen to him beg for forgiveness: History Channel

What's the Frequency, Kenneth?

It's obviously not, "Deep research and verification of facts to the point of unquestionable validity." (Otherwise there wouldn't be any question about the memos.) That should be Dan Rather's mantra. But is it? We've got to keep watching the headlines to be sure. But wait -- if we aren't certain the news facts are accurate in the Bush National Guard Memo story, how can we know the facts surrounding the facts are accurate?

NEW YORK (AP) - CBS News continued to defend the legitimacy of its recent story about President Bush's Vietnam-era service in the Texas Air National Guard, even as two experts it hired to examine records CBS used told ABC they could not vouch for their veracity. Meanwhile, a former secretary in the guard said Tuesday she believed the documents in question were fake, although they accurately reflected the thoughts of one of Bush's commanders.

I for one choose Mulder's mantra:

Trust No One.

Maybe Dan has some lingering brain damage from that beating he took in the 80s. Or maybe he's just too old, too egotistic and too rich to be an objective journalist anymore? Can someone say, "It's OK to retire, Dan. Make room, my boy, make room."

Damning Evidence

OK, let's assume that two of the 4 memos being bandied around this week are forgeries. Out of respect for the deceased Lt. Col. Killian, let's agree with his son and say that he would never have made the "sugar coating" statements or implied that higher-ups were pressured to protect George W.
So we're down to 2 memos that he did sign. What evidence do we have that George did not fulfill his obligations or that he disobeyed an order? How about this (all from AP) :

Signed Memo 04 May 1972
SUBJECT: Annual Physical Examination (Flight)
1. You are ordered to report to commander, 111 F.L.S., Ellington AFB, not later than (NLT) 14 May, 1972 to conduct annual physical examination (flight)IAW AFM 35-13.
2. Report to 111th F.L.S. administrative officer for schedule of appointment and additional instructions. Examination will be conducted in duty status.
- - -
Signed Memo 01 August 1972
SUBJECT: Bush, George W. 1st Lt. 3244754FG
Suspension of Flight status
1. On this date I ordered that 1st Lt. Bush be suspended from flight status due to failure to perform to USAF/TexANG standards and failure to meet annual physical examination (flight) as ordered.
. . .
3. I recommended transfer of this officer to the 9921st Air Reserve Squadron in May and forwarded his AF Form 1288 to 147th Ftr Intrcp Gp headquarters. The transfer was not allowed. Officer has made no attempt to meet his training certification or flight physical. Officer expresses desire to transfer out of state including assignment to non-flying billets.
. . .

Everybody sing: Oh, I wish I were a Crawford Texas weiner! That is what I'd truly like to be. 'Cause if I were a Crawford Texas weiner, I'd be the President of this country!

The Passion of the Bush

With curtains drawn and lights turned low, George conducts a pow-wow in the Oval office.
George Bush: OK, what's the plan?
Scott McClellan: Let's blame Kerry!
George: Blame Kerry for me disobeying a direct order thirty years ago?
Scott: No, for making a big deal out of this.
Dick Cheney: Afterall, you weren't going to be flying in Alabama, so you had every right to ignore your commander.
Scott: Yeah! Lots of active duty soldiers disobeyed direct orders.
George: But didn't they get court-martialled?
Dick: Occasionally, but these were extenuating circumstances.
Scott: We can say Kerry and his cronies are drumming up forgotten history. And we can say the liberal media is playing into their hands.
George: For reporting the facts?
Scott: No, for intentionally embarrassing the President of the United States and the office for which he stands.
John Ashcroft: I think we have a clause in the Patriot Act for that. We slipped it in for just such a contingency as this. We called it the Watergate Shield.
Dan Bartlett: I've got an idea.
George: Better than blaming Kerry?
Dan: Kind of. How about if we say this is "dirty politics" by the Democrats?
Dick: Good idea.
Scott: Genius!
John: Dan, I want to have your baby.
George: What if they bring up the dirty politics like this that we pulled on McCain in 2000?
Scott: We'll say they're drumming up forgotten history.
George: Hmmmm... Condi? What do you think?
Condi Rice: Don't ask me, I'm outta here as soon as the election is over. I've got a teaching gig with guaranteed tenure already lined up at Howard.
George: Damn! Um, Dad? What do you think?
George Senior: Don't ask me, I'm just here to read my daily CIA briefings for the boys in Riyadh.
George: Okay, I guess we go with the dirty politics and blaming Kerry.
Dick: Good idea.
Scott: Genius!
John: Mr. President, I want to have your baby.

Set Election To "Self Destruct" Mode

A memo from Lt. Col. Jerry Killian (deceased), one of George Bush's superior officers in the National Guard:

"On this date I ordered that 1st Lt. Bush be suspended from flight status due to failure to perform to USAF/TexANG standards and failure to meet annual physical examination ... as ordered."

Whew! That was fun...

Remember:

America is safer now than it was when Saddam was in power!

(Yeah, right.)

Take a Lesson from the Russkies, George.

(Story about terrorist's capturing a school) Moscow (AP) President Vladimir Putin interrupted his working holiday in the Black Sea resort of Sochi and returned to Moscow. On arrival at the airport, he held an immediate meeting with the heads of Russia's Interior Ministry and Federal Security Service, the Interfax news agency said.

So let me get this straight: when something really bad happens in your country (like a major terrorist attack) the President is supposed to stop what he's doing and meet with his top cabinet members and security people to assess the problem? What a novel idea!